SANCTORIUM
by sheppardlover928
Summary: There's a room on Atlantis the Ancients labelled 'Sanctorium' Its a place they used often.  Rodney wants to find out why, but its John who must deal with the consequences of their discovery.
1. Chapter 1

Well-it seems the writing bug is staying with me-for now! Hope you like this story-I had the basic idea, but it kind ofis changing as I write. Please forgive any mistakes as I dont use a Beta-all 'oops-es' are mine and mine alone!

Disclaimer: Wish I owned SGA (it would definitely not have been cancelled) but I do not. This story is purely for entertainment value only!

SANCTORIUM Ch. 1 Programmed for Peace

John and Ronon walked ahead of a small group of scientists as they made their way toward an unexplored section of the city. Ronon was there, reluctantly, not quick enough with an excuse when John asked him to join him.

The scientists, headed by Rodney were arguing about something Ronon had no idea about and he wasnt even sure they were speaking English.

"Sheppard, you so owe me!" Ronon glared over at John, who looked like he was in sleepwalking mode. Ronon chuckled when John didnt respond.

"Hey, you okay?" Ronon asked John as he nudged him, a little concerned because usually Sheppard was on alert when he had the responsibility for others' welfare.

"Hmmm-Oh, yeah, I'm good" John smiled slightly "Sorry, I was just zoning out a little" Turning slightly to indicate the lagging group of Rodney clones, he added "Stimulating conversations aside, guess I didnt sleep too good last night"

"Something wrong?" Ronon knew Sheppard never really talked about stuff that was bothering him, but he figured he'd try to get the private man talking.

John looked over at Ronon and frowned, the lines furrowing his forehead.  
>"Got a email from my brother, my Dad had a stroke a few weeks back. He wants me to come back to make amends-before its too late."<p>

Ronon was surprised John had shared that info without much prodding. "What's the problem? Woolsey won't let you go?"  
>"I haven't asked him yet for the time. Fact is, I'm not sure I want to go back." John's frown had turned into a pained wince. "I sort of left on not so good terms with my father."<p>

"Maybe that's why you need to go back" Ronon pointed out.

"Not that simple, big guy... My father and I never saw eye to eye. I hardly ever did anything right in his eyes." John had a faraway look. "The only time he supported me was when I did something he wanted, and that didn't happen very often."

John took a deep breath as they approached the first doorway in the long hall. He slapped Ronon on the back and gave him a nod and half-smile.  
>"Looks like we're here! McKay, is this the room?"<p>

"No, two more doors down, according to the database." Rodney was consulting his computer as he sped up to join them.

"So, this is some sort of sanctuary?" John asked as he walked on to the proper door and swiped his hand over the door control.

Rodney stood to the side of John at the threshold of the doorway. "The Ancients called it Sanctorium. There isn't much more information than that. Just that it was an important part of the their community welfare."

John stepped into the room and immediately it responded to his ATA gene. A sense of warmth and peace spread slowly through him. He marvelled at the feeling. The anxiety he felt since reading the letter last night, floated away. He smiled and then frowned at the thought that this wasn't natural.

"McKay-are you feeling what I am?"

"I don't know, Colonel...what are you feeling?" Rodney did feel 'something', but he couldn't put his finger on it, it was good feeling, a comforting feeling.

"I-I feel...peace." John felt that was the best way to describe it. "Ronon, you feel it?"

"Don't feel anything different" Ronon was confused as he walked around the room. The other scientists entered the room and John noticed only one seemed to be affected by the room. Dr Merck smiled as he wondered around the room. John caught his eye and smiled. "You feel it too, Doc?"

Dr Merck nodded, "Yes, Colonel Sheppard, I feel a sense of well-being."

"Anyone else?" John waited for a response and the two remaining scientists shook their heads no.

"Rodney, I'm guessing you feel it too, right?" John was figuring this out, at least why he, Dr Merck and he was sure-Rodney, felt the room's ambience-the ATA gene!

Rodney nodded his head as he leaned over a console. "Only the three of us have the ATA gene and can feel the room?"

"Right-but why, what's its purpose?" John wondered.

Rodney had been studying the console and pressed a series of buttons and the section of flooring in the center of the room started to slide open. Dr Zahn had to jump off the sliding section of floor.

As the floor fully opened, a chair-one similar to the Ancient chair that controlled Atlantis rose from the floor. They all stood in surprise.

Rodney broke the silence "Well, helloo, helloo! What have we here!"  
>He turned back to the console.<p>

Dr Merck spoke up "I had the gene therapy and was lucky it worked."  
>This is the first time I have ever felt like this!<p>

John was being drawn closer and closer to the chair. The closer he got, the more overwhelming the need to sit in it became.

"McKay, I'm getting a strong urge to sit in the chair" John was a little worried about the feeling, it wasn't a bad feeling, but it felt like it was trying to control him and that was something he couldn't let happen.

Rodney was deep in concentration, looming over the console. By the time he acknowledged Sheppard's statement , John was stepping on the platform and turning to sit.

"No, no,no-don't sit down!" Rodney exclaimed. At that precise moment, it was like John got a shove and he sat abruptly. He looked over at Rodney with a questioning frown, bordering on panic.

Before anyone had time to react, a purplish halo of light descended over John and the chair reclined back. Looking at John, Rodney saw his face go from the slightly panicked frown to a blank stare, then his eyes closed. Ronon reacted by pulling his gun and aiming it at the chair, ready to blast it from existence, all he needed was Rodney's go ahead. "McKay, what's it doing to him?"

Rodney looked over, "Geez, Conan! Don't shoot it! He went back to studying the console's data. A minute later, he frowned "Huh, its not harmful, its some kind of therapeutic program. According to what I'm reading, its meant to rid the occupant of anxieties and create a sense of well-being and balance."

"Are you sure Sheppard's okay?" Ronon asked, his gun still ready.

"No-I mean yes, its okay-its...its like a virtual 'Dr Heightmeyer'." Rodney determined, describing it in terms Ronon would understand. The last thing he wanted Conan to do was shoot the darn chair!

He looked up thoughtfully. "Yeah, right-I think we need to get Colonel Privacy out of there-you know how much he hates anyone or anything messing with his mind."

Ronon smirked and holstered his gun. He moved in to pull John from the chair and found that he couldn't. It was like John was glued to it. "McKay, shut the program down, I can't move him!"

Dr Merck, stood at a panel on the wall that was scrolling ancient text. "It looks like the beam of light acts as a forcefield, keeping the occupant in place during the session."

"Dr Zahn joined him at the panel. "How long is a session?"

Dr Merck, who didnt know Sheppard that well said "Well, it can't take too long, Colonel Sheppard seems like a well-balanced capable man already, so it will probably be an hour or two-that's what most therapy sessions last."

Rodney groaned, as he stood at the console. He looked at the others in shock, "Oh no! The session lasts as long as its needed to have the occupant achieve a certain desired level of tranquility!"

A feeling of dread fell over Rodney as he thought about all the demons and feelings John shared with no one. This may take a long time...a long time indeed! He looked over at Ronon, who knew what Rodney was thinking.

He swallowed and quickly activated his ear com, "Beckett, we need you in the East Wing -stat! Ronon will meet you at the transporter!"

Ronon was already on his way.

TBC Oh no, John's trapped in a chair that will try to get him to open up and deal with his negative feeling! Don't think its going to be a cake walk!


	2. Chapter 2

SANCTORIUM

Ch 2 Meeting Pacil

On some level, John knew he was on Atlantis, sitting in the Ancient chair, its purpose unknown. He remembered being drawn to it and wondered why it had pulled him in , like welcoming arms of a concerned, loving parent. He also figured he should be freaked out right now, but he was calm, wondering what level of consciousness he was experiencing.

"Hello, John Sheppard" a lilting, nuturing female voice filled the silence within his head.

"Hello?"

"John Sheppard, welcome. My designated program name is Pacil. I am programmed to counsel all who seek tranquility and peace."

"Ummm-Glad to meet you, Pacil...but I'm not really seeking tranquility and peace at the moment...we were just exploring and I...kind of had this urge...to a..."

'Yes, John Sheppard. I sensed turmoil within you as you entered Sanctorium and the urgency for tranquility and peace. I am here to help restore your well-being. It is good that you have come to seek my help."

"Listen, uh...no offense, but like I said, I'm not really seeking 'help' right now..."  
>"You have come to Sanctorium, therefore my programming seeks to fulfill my directives. I will help you seek balance within yourself so that you may ascend."<p>

"What? No! I don't want to 'ascend'! I don't need or want your help! Now-please just let me go! ...Uh-End program!"

"John Sheppard, while most seek tranquility and peace freely, others need 'encouragement' so to speak. I believe you are one who needs this encouragement to fulfill the required level needed for ascension.

"You're not listening, lady-or whatever you are! I..Do...Not...Want...to...Ascend...! John was getting beyond annoyed now.

"John Sheppard, you must calm. The emotion within you is much too strong, the ambience of comfort that is inherent within this room and within my programming to provide, will not benefit you if you continue to fight it."

John could feel the pressure of 'comfort' increase within him. It called to him to release his anger. He could feel it trying to control him. One thing John didnt like was anyone or any-thing...trying to control him.

He pushed back, hard. "Pacil, I need you to release me. I did not come here seeking tranquility and peace. I do not want your help and I definitely do NOT want to ascend!"

The voice that was Pacil, spoke, almost in a condescending way. '"Of course, John Sheppard. Your resistance is noted. While my programming is set for those in the final stages before ascension can be achieved, I will need to reset my programming so that I may personalize your counsel to a more basic level."

"Sleep now John Sheppard, while I reset my programming."

Before John could protest, he felt his consciousness yield to the imposed sleep.

TBC Pacil is a very determined and John can't fight the program! Please let me know what you think-I appreciate the feedback! 


	3. Chapter 3

SANCTORIUM

Ch.3 A Wee Bit of Anquish

Ronon was pacing as he waited for the transporter doors to open. Carson was the first to exit, followed by his med team with a gurney in tow.

"What's happened, Ronon?" Carson inquired as they hurried down the hallway.

Ronon grunted, "Sheppard's stuck." Carson waited for more, but Ronon was a man of few words. Carson's imagination started to go wild, being "stuck" could mean a multitude of things, knowing Colonel Sheppard-it could mean blood loss, concussion, broken bones, internal injuries...the mental list went on and on, as Carson followed Ronon . He had a bad feeling and was certainly glad he had chosen to include the mobile med team.

Ten minutes later, they arrived at the room. Carson initially saw Rodney and other scientists hovering over the Ancient console. As he passed through into the room, the sense of peace surged through him. His heightened sense of urgency and the pumping adrenaline in his system were in conflict with this, and he was somewhat confused.

"What's goin' on 'ere, Rodney? Where's Colonel Sheppard? I need ta know how he was hurt!" The view past the scientist was blocked by their bodies, so Carson advanced further into the room. He didnt know what to make of the scene in front of him, but the initial sight of an intact Colonel with no obvious sights of hemorrahging trauma, allowed his mind to subconsiously accept the flow of ambient comfort to permiate his being.

It was an odd mixture of feelings, but Carson was still on alert. "Rodney-is the Colonel okay? Did ja check his vitals? He looks ta be just sleepin'?" He wasn't waiting for Rodney to answer as he made his way around to assess the Colonel's condition.

His hand hesitated slightly before passing through the purplish beam of light...his concern for his patient too great to worry about its effects on himself. He found that while he could pass through the beam, he was unable to move the Colonel's body at all. He could feel the pressure of a gravity-like force holding the Colonel's body in place. He was, however, able to move the Colonel's clothing, allowing him to lift his shirt so that he could press his stethoscope to the Colonel's body and listen to his heart.

He was relieved to hear the Colonel's heart beating strong and regular. A quick exam showed no signs of trauma, thankfully. Carson was thankful for that, but was concerned that the Colonel had not stirred and seemed to be in a deep sleep.

Checking his pupils, Carson found his pupils reactive and equal-another good sign. He was, of course concerned that Colonel Sheppard appeared to be in some state of unconsciousness. Now that he was close, he could see that the Colonel's face was showing signs of stress, that familiar frown and the lips set in determination always gave away the man's emotions. Carson did a cursory check for signs of awareness and was dismayed that the intended checks produced no response.

" Rodney, can ya get this...I'm thinking its some kind a forcefield...ta shut down?" I can nae properly treat Colonel Sheppard this way?"

"Carson-if I was able to, don't you think I would have?" Rodney quieried back. "Whatever program Sheppard initiated by sitting down in the chair, is holding him in place. And before you ask-I don't know why...working on it! Rodney also felt the conflict of emotions, the comfort almost being forced upon him, in conflict to his agitation and concerns for his friend.

Carson nodded "I know, lad...keep working..." In doctor mode, Carson instructed his med team to stabilize the Colonel by setting up an IV of normal saline and setting an oxygen mask in place. Thankfully their adminstrations were only hampered by the inability to maneuver their patient's body to comply with the treatment.

Carson had called for a portable EEG instrument and when it arrived, he connected the various monitoring leads to the Colonel's head. As he watched the data begin to record, he was surprised to see an active level of consciousness comparable to an alert and awake state, though the Colonel was most definitely 'asleep'.

All of a sudden, the lights dimmed, then went out completely. The occupants of the room were too surprised to move. Before anyone even had a chance to respond, the lights came on again.

Rodney consulted the console, and after several minutes announced that it appeared the chair had done a "reboot" of its systems. Rodney was concerned about that since this wing was still not usable and what power was available was not optimum. He was afraid only a partial, incomplete reboot might be attained with the amount of power available.

Sweat broke out on his forehead, as Rodney wondered what that meant to his friend sitting in the psycho chair.

TBC looks like Rodney has his work cut out for him...Carson will make sure John remains stable-at least physically! Please leave a review if you like this! Thanks! 


	4. Chapter 4

SANCTORIUM

Ch.4 Broken Truck

John became consciously aware of himself slowly, at least he thought slowly. He had no idea what the passage of time had been. He wasn't able to feel his body as he reached his mind out to check. He couldn't feel his heart beating, couldn't feel his chest expand as his lungs filled with oxygen, couldn't feel his limbs or the growl of his empty stomach. John was sure it would be growling in protest to the missed breakfast. After a sleepless night thinking about David's email, he had had no appetite, but definitely had needed coffee-actually two really strong cups to perk him up.

Panic flooded his mind as he realized that the absence of feeling his physical body might be due to a more ominous condition than he wanted to think about. Okay, well-he was thinking it-was he dead?

Pacil made herself know then. "John Sheppard, do not fear. Your physical body is well. For those seeking ascension, learning to 'live' without the corporeal body anchoring them to the physical world is part of the process and is a required state during therapy, therefore all connections from the brain to the body are subdued during the session."

"Well, since I'm not seeking ascension-I sure would like to connect with my body! In fact, let's end this session now. I don't want to waste any more of your time-or mine!" John's panic was turning into anger, but it still was so disconcerting, not being able to feel anything.

"John Sheppard, I acknowledge your discomfort. As I have reset to a more basic level of therapy to help you adapt, I realize that this level of physical detachment is too intense. I will now reset the level of awareness, so that you may feel your physical body, though I cannot allow you to have mental dominance at this time."

After an almost complete and utter silence, the rush of feeling was almost overwhelming. The beating of his heart and the sounds of respiration as his lungs inhaled and exhaled was so loud it hurt. The rush of feeling in his limbs felt like pins and needles and yes, he could feel the gurgles of his protesting stomach.

"John Sheppard, allow your consciousness to relax and this will allow your physical body to do so also. Once you have become accustomed to the connection once more, your awareness will dissipate-then we may begin.

"I don't want it to 'dissipate'! I like hearing my heartbeat, and I like to hear myself breathe, too! And I most definitely do not want to 'begin'! How many times do I have to tell you I don't want this! I don't need or want your help."

"John Sheppard, you most definitely DO need my help, my programming will take you through the steps to achieve mental well-being. I can help you achieve tranquility and peace."

"Look, Pacil-you don't seem to get it...I'm not an Ancient, I'm a human. I understand your program is designed to help, but I'm not ready for that."

"John Sheppard, I am not aware of what is "Ancient" and I acknowledge you are human, but you are of Atlantis, I can detect the gene within your DNA code that makes you worthy of my programming, therefore we will begin."

John was frustrated, he wasn't sure how to get this 'Pacil' to understand that he wasn't about to get his brain picked by the likes of her-or anyone-for that matter. He had always done fine on his own, thankyou very much!

"John Sheppard, I sense your reluctance, but I must now sort through your memories for pivotal moments that caused you distress and shaped your persona for what it has become. This will take a moment."

John tried to push her out, he really didn't want her/it-whatever-digging around in his memory box! He could almost feel her rifling through his memories-it was strange...and he couldn't stop it, hard as he tried.

"John Sheppard, I have retrieve a memory from your youth that is a pivotal event that contributed to your developing psyche. An early memory of your brother David and you. Your curiosity was innocent and resulted with you breaking a favorite possession belonging to David. He was angry at you and caused you physical pain as he bent to yell his displeasure into your ear. David had never been so unkind to you and your guilt for breaking his toy was over- whelming, considering your tender age. This incident caused the first feelings you ever had of guilt. We will explore this incident together so that you may come to terms with the feeling of guilt."

John was astounded that Pacil found this obscure piece of his memory. It was, really, the first time he remembered that he had felt guilt and the pain associated with it. But that was his memory, not to be shared, not to be dissected!

"Pacil, I don't appreciate you digging in my memories! I demand you release me now! "

"John Sheppard, the program has begun and cannot be ended until a desired level of..."

John interrupted "Yeah, yeah-tranquility and peace" I get it-but you don't! I am not going to let you dissect every memory I have that caused some kind of...discomfort-okay? I'm just not going to let you!"

"John Sheppard, we will not explore 'every' incident, but I will search your memories for pivotal crises that caused disharmony."

"First off-stop the 'John Sheppard' thing...if I can't get you to do anything else, at least call me 'John'..."

"Very well-John-this first memory of guilt. Why do you think you carried this burden for so long? I sense that you chastised yourself way beyond the timeframe that David himself was angry at you."

John refused to answer, he was angry that she dredged up this event. It was an insignificant event in his youth.

"John, I sense your reluctance to answer. Do you not understand that this first incident of guilt, of betraying your brother and the powerful emotion surrounding this event helped shape your young mind."

John couldn't help but remember the incident, though he could 'feel' Pacil push him to remember. Why couldn't he stop her? The wash of guilt he felt then, flooded him now. He remembered himself at four. He was playing with David's truck. Evidently he pushed down to hard as he made it go and the wheels on the front broke off. David came into the room as he held the wheels up in front of himself. The truck was David's favorite and he grabbed the wheels out of his hand and bent to scream so loud, it hurt his ear. Those words came back to haunt him and he could almost feel the involuntary shiver produced by those three words..."I hate you!"

TBC Poor little John, devastated by words yelled in anger, the emotion strong for both small boys, both unable to deal with the raw feelings that surface during times like these. 


	5. Chapter 5

SANCTORIUM

Ch.5 The Burden Of Guilt Revisited

John remembered how horrible those words had made him feel, especially coming from his older brother who he adored. David was six and had always looked out for John. David was always patient with his younger brother who wasnt quite as quick or coordinated, the two year difference in age, a detriment to the younger one trying to keep up. He had cried himself to sleep that night afraid David would hate him forever. In the morning his dad had made them shake hands and told them that was to be the end of it, but those words had done their damage.

This was silly, why had Pacil seized on this childhood memory. Didn't every kid with a brother or sister have fights where mean things were said but not meant? He was four, for God's sake, of course he hadnt meant to break David's toy, but he had and David had hated him for it. From that day forward, he had done everything he could to keep David from ever getting mad at him again. John was angry that Pacil had been able to access his memories like this. He could block his mind to Wraith Queens, so why was she able to get through? How had she made him so vulnerable?

"John-you may feel this was not significant, but it was. Those words, shouted in anger, though far from truthful, tore a hole in your fragile young soul. You associate guilt with utter dissapointment from others, especially those you care for and most importantly-the disappointment you feel in yourself for letting them down."

John felt the sting of tears and he cursed the idea that this silly event could provoke tears from a man who had seen and dealt with the worst horrors the Milky Way and Pegasus Galaxies had thrown at him. How had Pacil managed to reduce him to this, especially over something so trivial. How was she toying with his emotions!

"John, from this experience-your feelings of guilt and the weight it places on your soul is one of your biggest detriments and perhaps a redeeming attribute too. I sense you readily accept guilt without reservation, but perhaps too readily. You must realize and accept that events happen that are not within your control. I sense you are not convinced of this, so we shall move on, for now.

TBC I know this is a short chapter, but it was a good place to stop-so sorry! If you like this, please let me know? It means alot to get feedback!


	6. Chapter 6

SANCTORIUM

Ch. 6 Lessons of Oppression

Carson was keeping track of John's vital signs. Except for a slightly elevated blood pressure, John was physically in good shape. His EEG readings were heightened, but not distressful. At one point, Carson was surprised to see a single tear make its way from the corner of John's eye and he was not sure what that meant, but would not mention it to anyone.

Rodney was trying to figure out how to shutdown the power, but at this point, Carson wasnt sure if John would have an adverse reaction should the power be cut off abruptly. They had no way of knowing how long John would be held in the program but Carson was ready to initiate medical treatment in the event it was needed or if time became an issue. It was coming up on five hours since John had first sat down in the chair. It was anyone's guess how much longer it would be. All he could do for now, was to monitor John for any changes.

Rodney found more data as he research the info on the console. The program called 'Pacil' had parameters built in to access memories. Every memory, no matter how minute-produced chemical changes within the body. Those chemical changes associated with different emotional states were stored along with the memory. It was these chemical signatures that allowed Pacil's programming to identify heightened, emotionally charged events that were then identified as pivotal or significant. The program directives were to search the chair occupant's memories for pivotal moments and then explore these moments interactively with the occupant so that 'tranquility and peace' were acheived, allowing the occupant to relieve their soul's from stress that weighted their minds. The goal was for complete ascension. Rodney felt his blood pressure begin to rise..."Oh, crap!"

"John, I see at age nine you had an extremely tumultuous period with several major events that caused you distress. There were periods of prolonged stress with peaking emotions interspersed and we will need to discuss these in length. Tell me about Jeffrey Bristol."

"Who?" John was really getting pissed. Damn this stupid program! He tried to throw up a wall to block it/her out.

"John, if you cannot remember I will access your memories and refresh the events for you, but we must explore the events and what it meant to you.

He had a feeling living through it once was enough and figured it was better he try to remember on his own, since it didnt seem like he could refuse. He really was a captive audience here, trapped in his own mind-so to speak...He had no choice but to play along-for now.

He thought back to that time. It was a really bad year, for more than a few reasons. The name Jeffrey Bristol conjured up mixed feelings and the picture of a tough stocky kid with a crewcut formed in his mind. Ah-Jeffrey! He remembered now-the terror of fourth grade. He had taken a particular dislike to John and had made it his mission to humiliate and torment John as often as he could.

John didnt even know who he was, when this kid just came up behind him and punched him in the back while they were outside at recess. He remembered his friends just staring with their mouths opened as he gasped for breath. The kid was practically twice his size! The kid said nothing, but smiled down at him, then walked away.  
>He had no idea who this kid was (he found out later it was Jeffrey) and why he had targetted him. Within days, Jeffrey had been all over him...grabbing his books and throwing them into puddles, pushing him out of line, tripping him whenever he could, taking his lunch or lunch money and worse. When John's humiliation had peaked and tears had fallen, Jeffrey became even more torturous , calling him a baby in front of everyone,every chance he got. It escalated to a point that John's friends became scarce. They were all afraid to be subjected to the same treatment. Oh sure, they had apologized to him, but no one helped him. John was on the small side for his age, so he had asked David to help, but David had told him to 'grow up'. Apparently, eleven year-old brothers were too cool to help out "baby" brothers. John remembered how much David's refusal to help had hurt.<p>

So he had been left-all alone-to deal with the daily torment. Until one day when Jeffrey had gone too far and John had had enough. He stood up to Jeffrey and fought back. He had suffered a bloody nose, fat lip and black eye, but he had left the big jerk with the same-plus a broken arm. That though, had been an accident. Jeffrey had tried to push him down, but John had backed away quickly, as he was much faster, and Jeffrey had fallen down onto his own arm.

His father had come to school in a rage. From the nurses office, John had jumped up and smiled when he first saw his dad. At first John thought he was mad at Jeffrey but soon realized his father was mad at him! Here he had taken such abuse from Jeffrey for so long and now, when he stood up for himself, his dad was actually mad -at him!

His father had lectured him about maintaining the Sheppard name and then his father had taken him to Jeffrey's house and made him apologize! John had been furious that his father hadnt considered the horrible treatment he had suffered over most of the school year. When he tried to argue that, two weeks punishment turned into four. John had dropped it then, defeated, but he vowed that no matter what, no one would make him apologize for sticking up for himself ever again.

After a weeks suspension from school for fighting, John returned to the cheers and admirations of his friends and schoolmates and that had felt pretty good! He was just happy to have his friends back. Jeffrey, though he had probably had been told to stay away from John, then began bullying another unlucky kid.

It didn't take long for John to remember what it had been like to not only be bullied but abandoned. Plus, John felt responsible and decided he wouldn't let this kid suffer like he had. For the second time in two weeks, John found himself in the nurses office, this time with a bloody nose, waiting for his father to come. He knew he was in deep trouble, but didnt regret what he had done.

His father had threatened to send him to military school, but by this time, his mom was sick and she had cried at the thought of him being away. Secretly, his mom had told him she was very proud of him for sticking up for himself and then, for sticking up for the other kid. She had told him that it had been the right thing to do and that he should always follow his heart to do the right thing and not worry what others thought. She reminded him that he had to live with the decisions he made, whatever they be. With a smile she told him she knew he would always choose what was right and just.

John had been lost in his thoughts of his mom when Pacil broke the spell.  
>"Do you see John, why these events are pivotal to your developing persona and why you must understand them-even now. You received both negative and positive feedback from this event." "The initial injustice of being singled out for abuse for no apparent reason made you feel vulnerable. The daily torment made you feel helpless. Your friends shying away from you instead of helping you and David's refusal to help made you feel betrayed. When you finally found the courage to defend yourself, you father punished you, angered that you spoiled the Sheppard name and made you apologise to the very boy who had tormented you with no just cause. These were all negative reactions and you knew they were wrong. From the wrongness, you learned what you needed to do. Your father and brother were wrong John, but it wasn't so much about you as it was about their own selfish perceptions of how they were perceived by others. Luckily from this, it was your friends and schoolmates approval and most importantly, your mother's words that shaped the man you have become.<p>

"Your father's one-sided stance and your brother's betrayal scarred your young fragile soul once again, but the wisdom from your mother and her acknowledgement of your self worth and your morality, has given you the courage to stand against oppression. To do what is right because it just is, no matter the consequences. An attribute you should be proud of John Sheppard."

TBC Please send some feedback-tell me what you think, please? 


	7. Chapter 7

Sanctorium

Ch. 7 When Push Comes to Shove

Wait! Had Pacil just paid him a compliment? Huh! Maybe this wasnt so bad after all...

"John, we will now explore the period of time that I have determined was of the greatest sadness for you."

Ok-back to the NOT so good stuff! John was almost sorry he could feel his body again...he knew what was coming and he DID NOT want to go there! He could feel his heart begin to race and his anxiety level increase. In defense, he sent the most powerful 'shove' he could to get Pacil to stop her from sorting through his memories.

"John, John, John..." Pacil 's voice was annoyingly condescending and it almost sounded like she was getting a bit perturbed.  
>"You can not hope to rid me from performing my program duties. Please do not try to force my program to exit again! John couldnt help but feel the warning that Pacil had just issued and he had a really bad feeling.<p>

"John, we will now discuss your mother, her illness and subsequent death and its affects on you."

Not heeding her 'warning' John shouted in his mind..."Get Out, Get Out! I Will NOT be Discussing My Mom and THAT period of time -with YOU!" He was furious now-and determined to end this-NOW! He threw every block he could think of-just like he had done with the Wraith Queen.

The incredible spike of pain in his head was crippling. John swore if he had been standing, he would have been crashing to the floor. Agonising nausea also accompanied the pain and he felt himself heaving. Good thing he didnt have anything in his stomach-he wondered if his physical body was heaving or was it all in his mind?

As quick as the spike of pain had been-it was now gone. He could feel the quickness of his heartbeat and the quick respirations, so he guessed the nausea he had felt had been more than just in his mind...He hoped that Rodney had called on Carson-he had a feeling if he wasnt freed from this soon, he would need the doctor there to take care of his body, since he couldn't deal with it himself!

When he had calmed down both physically and mentally, Pacil made herself known. "John, I am sorry for demonstrating the negative feedback your reluctance produced, resulting in the default mode you just experienced. I suggest you not object quite so strongly again, as I have detected an error in my basic commands. I cannot predict the result that may occur if you choose to do so."

"Oh, crap!" His head ached and he was suddenly overwhelmingly weary. This was just not right!

The steady beep of the heart monitors had lulled Carson into a daze and coupled with the rooms ambience of 'comfort' he was totally unprepared when the monitor alarmed. Fumbling around, Carson quickly snapped back into doctor mode. Checking the monitor, he was relieved to see that John had not flat-lined..instead the alarm had gone off due to the sudden increase and rise in blood pressure. Carson studied the data and was further relieved that the EKG waves were all normal. He was concerned for the Colonel though because the monitors and EEG all showed the increase was due to an incredible amount of stress. Looking up, he saw the obvious signs of stress on John's face, along with profuse sweating.

Before he had time to decide a course of action, the Colonel starting exhibiting signs of nausea. Carson had just enough time to grab a basin and put it in place when John vomitted, then dry-heaved. He noted the lack of vomitus and selfishly sighed in relief.

Ronon had been sitting against the wall, dozing. He wouldnt leave this room or Sheppard but he was bored out of his mind. If they'd let him just shoot the damned chair, he'd get Sheppard free. Hearing the alarms, he jumped up and was at Beckett's side in an instant.

Rodney had been studying the data bursts and actually was the first one alerted to the sudden change as he saw the increase happen in the database platform. He was dumbfounded by the rise in intensity as the codes filled the screen of his laptop. Oh, this was so not good!

"Carson!" Rodney looked over at the doctor as he held the basin under John's chin, catching the bile that escaped from the still form of his friend.  
>" How is he? I'm detecting an error in the database associated with the program directives?"<p>

TBC Ohno! An error! What does THAT mean? Please forgive any techie or medical errors! Please send me some feedback-I really appreciate it!


	8. Chapter 8

Sanctorium

Ch 8 A Mother's Love

"John, let us begin"

John's headache was a 7 on a scale from 1 to 10, his weariness was a 9...That mental 'shove' had taken alot out of him. As much as he didn't want to placate Pacil, at this point, he wasn't mentally able to stop her.

"John, your mother was very ill during your ninth year. A disease called "cancer" took her health away slowly. I can sense the helplessness you felt as you watched her suffer its effects. The extended absences of her at home while she was receiving treatment, left you feeling lonely. You had a wonderful relationship with her. I sense much love and joy. Your mother was the primary recipient of these emotions from you. While I sense you loved your father, but I sense a feeling of loss there, but for now we will only deal with your mother's love and influence. It was your mother's love that made you feel special. She was the only one who consistently made you feel this way. I acknowledge that she was the most influential person in your life, even after her absence."

Was it possible to be mentally sick-not mentally ill-but mentally sick? The images of his mother lying on her death bed conjured a myriad of feelings John had always pushed back down-deep down. Now, Pacil was dredging them all up and he couldn't stop her. The only thing he could do now, was to shut down.

"Your mother was directly responsible for the positive, nurturing feelings that made you feel loved, happy, secure and confidant. She never judged you, but she always had a way of making you see the two sides to any given situation as they arose. She showed you how to see situations from you own view, but also from the other side as well. Your sense of fairness and your humbleness were born through her love for you and her hopes and dreams that you become all that you were destined to be."

John mentally swallowed the emotions Pacil was trying to evoke from him. He wouldn't give her anything. Memories of his mom were wonderful but painful. Maybe, if he shut her out, she'd have no choice but to end this stupid program. He felt her probing and tried to mentally shut her off. His sending any cursed emotion hadnt worked out too well, so if he remained passive, maybe she'd get the hint.

"John-I can sense your reluctance and I must warn you that any resistance may have a negative effect on my programming. The error is allowing your negative feedback to discharge a negative anomaly within my directives. I am afraid I can not control this. It is in your best interest to comply."

Pacil or her defective programming, was creating a disturbing pressure against his attempts to remain passive. His headache ramped up to level 8 and the nausea was returning. He thought about asking Pacil to disconnect his mind from his body again. Damn, he had no choice but to give in, he feared the pressure would continue until his brain exploded. He felt his breath catch against his ribcage. What kind of physical toll was this taking on his body? He couldnt move, but now that his mind and body were as one again, he feared that the mental strain was affecting his physical self too.

He thought about dropping his mental shield, he could do this, right? He wasn't nine anymore...he was a grown man. Too many years had passed since he had initially had these feelings, and he had survived then. How bad could it be?

As the shield dropped, so did the pressure. His headache was descending, and he sure hoped it would go away altogether. Wishful thinking, ha!

Pacil was waiting for John to stabilize. "John, tell me how you felt about the helplessness and loneliness you felt during your mother's illness."

TBC Poor John, he cant get a break! Pacil sure is persistent, isnt she/it and what is this error all about?  
>Please review-send me your thoughts! Please? <p>


	9. Chapter 9

Sanctorium

Ch 9 Forbidden

Ten hours had passed with an unresponsive John still seated in the chair Rodney had dubbed The Psycho Chair. Mr Woolsey had come several times to find out about their progress and Zelenka had joined Rodney at the console. Carson was getting concerned about the passage of time. If the Colonel was not released from the chair in two more hours, he would need to intervene. He was sure the Colonel's bladder would be needing some assistance and then there was the fact that Carson was sure the vomiting and lack of nutrition would start taking its toll on the stressed Colonel. He would need to set up a nutritional IV also.

As he was contemplating his next move, the alarm went off on the heart monitor once again. Carson cursed. What was the poor man dealing with that would cause such stress? John's blood pressure dangerously high and it was clear that he was in some sort of extreme pain from the telltale signs evident on his face. His breathing was erratic and Carson got the basin ready when he saw the first signs of nausea appear once again. Moments later, John was again dry-heaving. Carson was thankful the forcefield yielded enough to allow John's body to go through the motions of heaving unrestricted.

Abruptly, the signs of stress alleviated. Carson sighed with relief. Any longer and he had been afraid John would code due to the sheer amount of stress he exhibited. "Rodney, are you any closer to figuring how to get the Colonel released? I don't know how much more stress his body can handle."

Ronon came to John's defense, thinking Carson was saying John was weak-minded. "Sheppard can handle it. He's been in alot worse situations."

Damn! John contemplated...he decide he'd rather have his fingernails pulled off one by one rather than go through this! Physical pain, he could handle-but this emotional crap-well-it left him reeling! He never really dealt with his mom's illness and death. He hadnt been allowed to. Sheppard men didnt cry. That's what his dad had said and that's what he had expected from his sons.

He had sat with his mom one day, it was toward the end. She was home from the hospital, but the visiting nurse continued the medicine that made her sleep alot. He sat holding her hand, watching her life fading away. He had felt lost the last couple weeks, when she had become too ill to talk with him for any length of time. She had been too weak. He had missed her easy smile and comforting hugs. He couldnt stop the tears that fell as he sat holding the her hand, knowing it was one of the last times he would be able to do so. Tears tuned into sobs.

His father had come into the room then. John was caught. Sheppard men didnt cry. His father ordered him out of the room, but John wanted to stay, holding the hand that anchored him to happier times he knew would never be again. His father had physically steered him out of the room, not cruelly, but sternly. John had stood in the hall listlessly, detached from the surroundings that seemed cold and distant. He ran to his room, onto his bed, pulling the bedspread and blanket up over his head. He lay there shivering until he was exhausted and sleep let him escape reality for a little while.

His father had come into his room and told him he was forbidden from visiting his mother until he could contain himself. Crying was a sign of weakness and he needed to be strong for his mom. She needed to see that he was fine. These were things his father had told him and he was expected to follow them.

How could his dad be so cruel! His mom was dying and he forbid him from spending any more time with her! Didn't it matter that he wasn't fine, that he wasn't strong. Didn't it matter that he was only nine, almost ten and losing his mom felt like he was losing himself too. Didn't it matter that the world was losing all its color and warmth. Didn't it matter that he desperately wanted to go with her when she couldnt hold on any longer.

He had hated his father then.

TBC Emotional turmoil for dear little John. Please send some feedback! 


	10. Chapter 10

Santorium

Ch 10 Lightening the Load

Yes, yes...he had hated his father. He had vowed then that he'd never be like his father, so cruel and uncaring. He remembered how lost he felt, how helpless. He had defied his father once and had made it past the nurse as she left. He knew she had seen him, but had pretended she hadn't.

He had sat with his mom for quite awhile, when she woke briefly. She looked so small, so fragile lying in the bed they brought in from the hospital. She smiled when she realized John was sitting next to her, holding her hand. She saw the tears welled in his eyes and she raised her hand to brush them away as they made tracks down his pale cheeks. A sad smile and tears of her own were all she could manage before she drifted back to sleep.

The nurse returned and gently shooed him away. Her regret for doing so showed on her face as he reluctantly left the room. That was the last time he had seen his mom, she had passed away that night. Her sad smile the last image he would ever have of her.

That morning, alone, he had cried until he fell asleep from exhaustion. He dared not show such emotion again as he was reminded that Sheppard men didn't cry. The days that followed passed in a haze, he stood detached from the world, afraid that if he reconnected, he would lose the control he was expected to contain. Both his parents had no brothers or sisters and both sets of grandparents had passed on. John had never known any of them, though his mom made sure David and him had known all about them. Still, there were no sympathetic relatives to comfort him. David was lost in his own grief but was bending over backwards to emulate their father. Even Dave had told him to buck up when he had seen him with red eyes.

Pacil then choose to break into his thoughts, but he felt the presence back off. John could feel the gasping that accompanies heart-wrenching sobbing. He realized then, that he had actually been crying, he felt the wetness on his cheeks. The profound sadness was overwhelming as he lost himself in the grief he hadnt been able to fully realize so long ago. He didn't know how much time passed, but he was glad Pacil remained silent.

Slowly, he came back to himself, surprised by the depth of emotion he had held inside for so, so long. He felt a weight had been lifted from his shoulders as he thought about his mom now. He smiled to himself as he realized he could think of her without his heart constricting. Though he was unable to physically wipe the tears away he knew must be flowing down his face, he felt a cloth run across his cheeks, drying the sweat and tears that fell so freely now. He was further astounded to realize he really didn't care that Ronon, Rodney and the other scientists would be seeing the tears and sobs he was allowing his nine year old self and damn it-his adult self to finally shed for his mom he so desperately missed.

Pacil spoke softly then. "Very good, John. You have released the grief and sorrow that has been locked inside you for so long. Your mother's passing was devastating and your inability to be able to express your grief has led you to be emotionally unavailable through many times in your life. If you gain nothing else from this session, perhaps you will now be able to allow yourself to show your emotions more freely and realize that in doing so, it does not show you are weak and vulnerable."

John had to admit that he did feel "lighter" and it was a good thing. But as good as it was, he still felt like Pacil was trespassing on his thoughts and memories. He still couldnt allow her free reign over him, the anger was welling within him now as the grief receded.

Carson was having a hard time treating John as he tried desperately to get free from the invisible bonds that held him tight. Whatever John was mentally going through due to this damned program, it was causing an extreme reaction. Carson cursed as he watched the gut-wrenching sobs and copious tears that wrapped the Colonel in some kind of mental torture.

It was taking its toll on his physical body as well. His blood pressure was sky high, the heart monitor was alarming once again and the EEG data, again showed patterns of extreme distress. It wasn't the individual periods of stress that had Carson concerned, but what the overall effect would be if this continued.

Carson was beside himself as to what he could do. He wasnt sure what effect any medicinal intervention might cause, so he was reluctant to go that route just yet. In the end, he just held John's arm tight, hoping the distressed Colonel would feel his support. He also ran a cool damp towel over John's face to wipe away the tears and sweat. He prayed the mental torture would be over soon.

Rodney kept looking over, in between deciphering Ancient codes. He was failing his friend who was obviously engulfed in some mental tragedy. He felt guilty watching his friend so distraught. He had never, ever seen John cry before. John was always so in control and seeing his tears and sobs made Rodney uncomfortable, like he was some voyeur hiding in a closet. Rodney had never felt so inadequate as both he and Zelenka were no closer to figuring the program out. It was like the program kept changing every time they got close.

Ronon was right beside Carson and was angered that the chair and its programming had reduced his friend to such a state. He wondered just what his friend was dealing with that caused this reaction. He only hoped once they did get Sheppard out of this chair, that he would be alright. Maybe he should just shoot the chair now and get it over with! If this didnt end soon-he would do it!

After some time, Sheppard calmed and everyone in the room sighed in relief. Carson was relieved to see a calmness wash over the Colonel's face. He fancied he even saw a small but brief smile, but then the frown appeared once more.

TBC Well-maybe this Pacil's got something good going! John has finally been able to release the grief he's held for so long. That has to go a long way, doesnt it? Please send some feedback-I really appreciate your sharing your thoughts!


	11. Chapter 11

Sanctorium

Ch 11 A Father's Love Remembered

Pacil began. "John, we have identified and you have gained control of those feelings of grief admirably. We must now deal with the originations of suppression. I sense your father was an extremely controlled, emotionally unavailable parent. However, this does not always seem to be the case and it did not mean he did not love you. Do you see that possibility."

Again, John felt himself anger quickly. Okay, so he had dealt with his grief, but he really, really, REALLY didnt want to disect his relationship-or more like-the lack of a relationship with his father. Again, he threw the walls up, as futile as it had proved to be.

The headache returned in spades. His resistance was gauging the progression of the headache. The harder he resisted,the more severe the headache became. When it reached level 9 again and he felt his body buck from the abuse, he felt inclined to stop resisting. That's when his body finally had had enough. He was lost in the seizures and felt the darkness take over.

It had been six hours since John had endured the mental anquish his friends had witnessed as his body had responded to some kind of cursed emotional torment. It had been heart-wrenching to see the usually stoic Colonel devastated like that. Carson prayed that whatever had taken place, his friend would be okay.

Carson had decided it was time to intervene. He had made everyone in the room wait outside while he set the Colonel up with the additional medical procedures that would help alleviate the physical discomforts the Colonel was experiencing. Having already put a catheter in place to drain his bladder, Carson was just finishing threading a feeding tube through the Colonel's nose down to in his stomach when the seizures started.

While the forcefield held him in place, it also didn't allow for much movement and Carson watched as the muscles in the Colonels arms and neck bulged with the spasms. The sheer intensity of the tremors that managed to defy the forcefield's restraints shook the chair. It was disheartening to say the least. The sound was deafening in the silent room as everyone watched helplessly.

Carson looked over at Carol, his triage nurse who was already holding the syringe ready. He had been reluctant to use any meds, but the Colonel was in physical danger. If he didnt intervene and calm the seizure, he was afraid John may suffer a stroke. He nodded and gave her a "here goes" half smile as he took the syringe and injected its contents into the IV that was already in place. He prayed intervening in this way would not be detrimental, but he could not standby watching the Colonel seize without intervention.

John became aware slowly, testing his mental capacity to feel pain. He wasn't looking forward to the level 9 headache from before. Before, when?  
>It seemed to him, it was a lifetime ago. He still had no idea how long he had been sitting in the chair-it could have been minutes, or hours, or days...he just had absolutely no idea. He did feel achy and exhausted. He could feel a kind of uncomfortable feeling somewhere-or two somewheres...Now, why did he think Carson was involved somehow? He was curiously relieved and comforted with that thought.<p>

Pacil responded to the wakefulness she sensed. "Hello, John. I am sorry you have suffered negatively once again. Are you ready to begin? Let's try to examine your relationship with your father without undue stress, shall we. If you can not, I can not control the error backlash and you will suffer again."

John wanted to tell her-it-to got to hell, but was afraid of the "negative feedback" he might initiate. He mentally sighed as he figured he didnt have any choice. Man, he hoped he lived through this-intact, if not enlightened-like Pacil promised.

Pacil began. "John tell me of your first memories of your father."

John gave himself a pep talk before he reluctantly thought back...

His first thoughts were when he figured he was three or four. His dad surprised them all and had taken the family to Disneyland. His mother had smiled and laughed the whole trip. Come to remember-so had his dad! They had gone on every ride the two young sons could handle, which was pretty much every single one! He remembered riding on top of his dad's shoulders when his legs got too tired to walk, and his dad holding his drink up for him to take sips while he rode above his head. Good times! He remembered his father holding him in his arms when the giant Mickey Mouse came a bit too close for comfort. He remembered his father holding him tight and laughing when he saw his son's delight as the wind whipped through his hair as the ferris wheel went round and round. He remembered his dad laying between him and David, reading them a story before bed. His father had always left this task to his mom-so it was a special treat both he and David cherished. Good times, indeed.

His memories continued as he remembered the Pinewood Derby and the car his dad had helped him build. While he wouldnt let John use the power tools, he showed John how to sand the car to a silky smoothness. He had loved sitting on his dad's lap as his dad held his hand on his own, teaching him the finer skills of sanding the wood. He took John to the hobby shop to pick out the paint colors and decals and had let John paint it all by himself while he hovered over him, resisting the temptation to take over. John remembered being covered with the royal blue paint and his dad laughing at the sight of him. The car had come out excellent-at least thats how John remembered. He also remembered how proud his dad was on the day of the race. He had stood behind John with a proud hand on his son's shoulder as John got a trophy for competing. He hadnt won and had cried, but his father had told him it wasnt about winning-it was about participating and doing your best.

Shit-had his father really said that? And...hey wait-his father had "let" him cry-without admonishment? He felt Pacil push him on.

He next remembered his dad taking him on a business trip. He had already taken David on one and it was his turn. He was seven or eight-seven, he remembered now. It was the first time John had flown on the private company jet. His dad took him to the cockpit and introduced him to the pilot and they sat there so John could see the view. He was mesmerized and exhilirated by the feeling of flying and knew that one day he would learn how to be a pilot too. His passion was born that day.

They had stayed at a really nice hotel with a huge pool with palm trees all around it. They spent the afternoon together in the pool, his father teaching him how to swim and how to dive off the diving board. He remembered how patient his father had been as he came up spluttering, the firm but gentle hand holding him until he caught his breath again. The easy smile when John reverted back to the doggy paddle after the hours spent learning the right way to swim. The next day, he had dressed in the suit that was dark blue-just like his dad's. His dad had taught him how to tie his tie then...no more clip ons for him!

A big long car had come to pick them up and John remembered being excited that there was so much room as he climbed over every inch of it. His dad had laughed, then gently calmed him-then explained that he would need to be on his best behavior. He remembered his father introducing him to the secretary, telling her the Sheppards were there for their meeting. He had felt so important.

Once inside the meeting room, his father had proudly introduced him to the other men and John was seated next to his dad. His dad had patted his leg and when John looked up, he smiled and winked. John knew he would need to behave and wanted to make his dad proud. He hadnt lasted very long. He had sat listening to talk he had no clue about and was soon bored. Before long, he had curled up in the chair and had fallen asleep. His dad had woken him gently with a smile. He then hoisted John into his arms, and with John's head resting on his shoulder had said his goodbyes. The other men had smiled and patted John on the back, wishing him well. It had been a wonderful trip, despite his falling asleep in the meeting, but his dad had not gotten mad-not at all.

John was amazed at the memories he had totally forgotten. His father has been loving and caring...and nurturing! Why had he blocked those memories out? And when had things gone so bad between his dad and him?

TBC So John's dad hadnt always been so bad. Why had John forgotten those memories? Please let me know what you think! 


	12. Chapter 12

Sanctorium

Ch 12 A Battle of Wills

Pacil sensed the change in John. "John, you have seen your father's love and it was wonderful. I sense much love and joy from this period of your life. I also sense a change. The presence of your father lessens after these memories. I sense the physical absence that took its toll. Let's examine this time so that you may come to terms with it."

"Let's not-and say we did..." John was still reeling over the realization that he had forgotten or suppressed the father who did love him and nurture him. He could stop now and be happy that he at least had recovered these memories. They made him feel good, his father had loved him-at least early on!

"Oh, John-I believe your father loved you always. but let us move on" John could feel the mental push again and it was uncomfortable, the pressure in his head increased.

"Okay-give me a minute here-okay! John snapped at Pacil's insistence.

Not long after the wonderful business trip, his father started to become distant. His mom had said he was working late alot, but not to worry. David knew more and told him he had found out that their dad's work was being sold to a bigger company. John remembered not long after, his dad was home all the time, but he hardly spent any time with them. He was always in his office. If David and him made too much noise, his father yelled at them to be quiet. His mom always tried to find quiet things for them to do. He remembered it wasn't a very happy time in the Sheppard household.

That summer had been brutal-it seemed he was always in trouble for something, even when he escaped and went outside. The final straw had been when John had been practicing his pitching against the pitcher's net. The ball had rebounded and gone through the picture window. It was the first time his father had ever raised his hand to him.

Not long after that incident, a sullen John sat on the couch watching a baseball game on the television in the den, when David came in and turned the channel. John was livid and started yelling at David. The television took the brunt of the abuse though as both of them fought over turning the channel dial. When the television crashed to the floor, his father came out of his office in a rampage...the bruise of his father's fingerprints faded slowly from his upper arm, but not before John had been sent off to summer camp while David got to stay home. He never quite figured that one out, after all- David had started it! Regardless, it had hurt to be sent away, even if he had had fun at the camp -after a week of sulking in the bunkhouse. He had been glad to get away from his dad's bad mood, though he missed his mom.

His father had become even more distant, but he was happier-luckily for John!. His mom had told them that his dad was busy starting a new business and that it took alot of time to get it up and running. She told them to be patient with him because he was under a lot of stress. Not long after, they moved to a really big house, with a huge horse stable behind it. John was estatic, he loved horses! His dad even took the time to teach them how to ride. That period of time John remembered being a pretty good time with his dad.

His parents entertained and had parties alot since moving to the new house. David and John were expected to be perfect gentlemen. More often than not though, they were banished to their rooms. He remembered his mom always apologizing for not being with them, but his dad expected her to be with him. His mom always made it up to them though. His dad never did.

Things continued on a downhill slide. John mused that it was more like an avalanche. His father and him butted heads on so many things that John was affected physically. He started having migraine headaches. He was underweight and small for his age. John's mom made sure she spent as much time with him as she could. David called him a mama's boy, but he didnt care-he loved spending time with her. His headaches had improved and he had gained weight. While he was happier, he still missed his dad-at least the old one who cared about him.

John remembered this is about the time his mom got sick and then the Jeffrey Bristol thing happened. His father was frustrated with him and no matter what John did, it didnt seem good enough. His mom still ran interference until she became too ill. He remembered the first time she had to go to the hospital and stay there for awhile. His dad had come and gone, but was mostly gone-even when he was home, he hid himself away in his office.

Then his mom died and he had wished it was his dad instead. In fact, it was the last time he had ever called his father "Dad"-from that day forward he had referred to his father as "Father"-he vowed no term of endearment would ever pass his lips when he spoke to him. His father was even more distant. He started to wonder if his father had ever even loved his mom, because he never saw him cry or show emotion...John's breath caught as he remembered one time... It wasn't long after his mom had passed away, he had gone down in the middle of the night for a glass of milk. He had heard a noise coming from his dad's office. Curious, he had leaned in to the door and heard a man crying, he had been sure it wasn't his father though- because Sheppard men never, ever cried.

Funny-he had forgotten that...

Over the next several years, John made it a point to do the opposite of what he thought his father would want. He joined the football team while his dad had balked, telling him he would be better off joining the chess and math teams. He chose friends he knew his father wouldnt like, mostly because they were from middle class families and not the upper class his father liked to associate with.

His father expected David and John to make an appearance at social events. David was the good son and always showed up spic and span, looking like a mini-lawyer in his fine dark blue suit. John always showed up after an afternoon rough housing with his friends and before showering. His dirt-clad jeans and T-shirt bad enough without the odor of sweat permeating through them. He'd always smirk through the admonishments the next day as his father raved on, the smirky smile causing his father to strike out at him, more than once. His dad never apologized and neither did John. All the while, he and David grew far apart. John called David "Mini-Sheppard" every chance he could and he actually enjoyed the fights it instigated because by now John was taller and more well muscled than his older brother and won more often than not.

Now looking back, John guessed he had not handled himself the way his mom would have wanted him too and it saddened him. In a way, he had done things to make his dad mad, but he had never done anything he really didnt want to do. He wanted to play sports, finding it boring to sit and use his brain. He wasnt into the whole prestige thing and found most of his dad's friends and their kids were too uppity and fake. He wanted to be around regular, true friends. Most of his friends didnt even know he was of "The Sheppards". His father made sure everyone knew who Patrick Sheppard was and that he ran the most successful Fortune 500 company, Sheppard Industries.

Pacil forced John to move on. "John, I sense things were stressful but no pivotal events happened- until your seventeenth year. I sense a dispute over your higher education expectations. You are quite bright and your father wanted you to attend the college of his choice while you decided a different route, the military."

Yeah-John had really butted heads with his father over that. When he had secretly applied and was accepted at the Air Force Academy, he thought his father's head was going to explode, it got so red! Instead, his father had turned his back on him and never spoke to him again for the rest of the year. He did attend his high school graduation but never really acknowledged John's accomplishments, even at his being valedictorian.

Three weeks before John was to head out for the Academy, he figured he should sit down with his father. That had been a mistake. His attempts to try and get his father to understand that this is what he wanted met with deaf ears. His father found that he wasn't interested in going to Harvard or Stanford as an insult to him personally. And not being interested in learning how to run Sheppard Industries an even bigger insult. John pointed out that was more suited for David. His father hadn't listened and they had the biggest fight ever. John tried to hold his tongue, but at some point lost it and things were said on both sides that were hurtful. His father had told him to get out and for the second time in John's young life, he turned his back on his son. John had sat there stunned. How had it escalated to this.

John had every intention to attend the Air Force Academy. He wanted to be a pilot not a businessman. If his father couldnt accept that, too bad! He had packed that night. With his bag in hand, he had hesitated outside the office he knew his father was in, even though it was quiet. He had felt sick and had no one to talk to. David was at some social event at the golf course. John had left then, without saying good bye to his only remaining family. He thought he had seen his father looking out the window, but then- it probably had been the curtain blowing in the breeze.

John cursed when he felt tears trail down his face-again. Well-at least it wasnt the embarrassing sobbing...he just didnt have that in him for his father.

TBC quite a tumultuous relationship...Poor John.


	13. Chapter 13

Sanctorium

Ch 13 Perception is Relative

Pacil again interrupted John's thoughts. " Is it not possible your father only wanted the best for you and felt you had been making poor decisions and had been displaying rebellious behavior in spite."

John guffawed at that thought. "No...I just made decisions HE wasnt happy with! I was the bad son, the black sheep. David did everything our father had expected. David did everything right. My father and I were on such different wavelengths."

Pacil noted "Yes, John-I sense through you that David and your father had a more closely aligned relationship. David was much more like your father. You were much more adventurous and vibrant than your brother. And your intelligence was a more natural gift. I sense these attributes got you in trouble far too many times"

"You can say that again" John, chuckled, at least in his mind...He realized he really did kind of purposely yank his father's chains to get any kind of reaction-even if it was a bad reaction.

Pacil continued "Your feelings of abandonment started with your father's withdrawal and was cemented by your mother's death. Do you see how you used this to act out your feelings against your father?"

"Wait-are you saying that I am to blame for my father hating me, for all the times he punished me or turned his back on me because I didnt do as he wanted? Listen lady-"thing" - I was what eight, nine-ten, when my father couldnt handle being a father anymore! I was a kid, HE was suppose to make sure I was okay...HE was suppose to LOVE me no matter what! HE was suppose to CARE...I couldnt do anything right, so I stopped trying!

"No John-you did not stop trying...instead you provoked him, every chance you could, into at least engaging you, even if it was in anger. It wasn't the right way to get your father to pay attention, but it was one way."

John was dumbfounded. Had he really been so rebellious just so he would have 'some kind'of a relationship with his father? Had his father's withdrawal affected him so much, that arguments and disappointments were better than-nothing? Man, was he THAT screwed up?

"John, it was a learned process. Behaving got you no where, while misbehaving got a response. And for you-that seemed the most important thing-the response. Your brother was a quieter soul and his personality matched that of your father, while you were more like your mother. Your father knew this, but didnt know how to handle you. It was easier dealing with David, he knew what to do-but you-after your mother died, your father was lost-he just did not know how to deal with your vibrant, inquisitive, and overly rambunctious nature. You must admit you did not make it easy for him.

Incredibly, he actually could see that...but still, his father had checked out from being his father-his DAD!

"John, do you see that your broken relationship does not fall entirely on the fault of your father? Can you see that your behavior pushed him into his own learned behavior of how to deal with you? It may not have been right, but was it any more wrong that what you did by provoking him?"

"But he was the adult! He was the parent!" John felt the sting of salty tears well in his eyes-again-damn it! No-his father didnt deserve these tears!

"John, these tears are not for your father. They are for you! For all the missed opportunities you and your father could have shared. You shed tears now for taking the wrong path with your father. You shed tears because you are afraid all is lost. But it is not, John...it is never too late."

Carson was concerned. It had now been just over twenty three hours since John first sat down in the chair. John's stress levels were apparent and now were staying at a much higher constant than normal. Whatever this damned program was doing, it had not allowed John any rest, somehow keeping his mind active despite the time frame. He had already reset the monitors to a higher setting, the alarms alerting the above average readings had become constant and had put them all on edge.

"Rodney, are you any closer to figuring this out?" Carson really was praying for a positive response.

Rodney's red tired eyes met his. "Everytime we get close, the program sends us on an extraneous pathway. I can't tell if its designed that way or if the error is controlling it."

They were all weary. Twenty three plus hours with nothing to show for it. Colonel Sheppard was still trapped and they had no idea when this vigil would end. Carson was pretty sure that if it didnt end relatively soon, they would be carrying the Colonel's body out in a body bag. No one, not even Colonel Sheppard could maintain the level of stress mentally and physically that he was enduring for much longer.

Teyla had joined the waiting group several hours before. She had been visiting her people on the mainland. When the Colonel had gone into seizures, Ronon felt he had to contact her. She had returned straight away and now sat diligently wiping the sweat and tears from the Colonel's face.

Ronon once again volunteered to blast the damned chair from existence as he raised his gun, but they convinced him that it may harm the Colonel if he did so. Woolsey had joined theose in the room, wanting to be apprised of the situation with his military commander first hand, besides he couldnt concentrate in his office with the Colonel is jeopardy.

"John , I believe it is time for you to examine what you have learned from your memories. I will remain present, but will be silent as you do so. I will monitor your thought processes and will interact if necessary."

"What? You're just going to leave me here? You make me relive things I never wanted to revisit again-that I had successfully filed away and NOW you want to leave me!"

Shouldn't he be happy she was leaving him alone! Damn-all these memories are messing with his mind!

"John, please do not lie to yourself. If you had successfully dealt with these memories, you would not have needed my help. You are closer to enlightenment than ever John. Please use this time to contemplate what you have learned."

He felt the pressure lift from his mind. "You do remember that I don't want to ascend, right?"

He wanted to make that perfectly clear!

TBC So-I think the worst part is over, though John has alot to think about. This chapter started out rough for me to write, and I'm now happy enough with it to post! I'm hitting a roadblock here-so bear with me-next chapter may not be up right away as I am having a hard time on where to go so I can get to where I want to be! (Does that even make sense?) Once again:: Please send me some thoughts! I really do appreciate them! 


	14. Chapter 14

Sanctorium

Ch 14 The Release

John felt Pacil recede. With the pressure gone it made him feel light-headed and he took a moment to relax.

He wondered how much time had past -maybe a few hours? He hoped everyone else was okay or at least, watching his six while he was stuck here. Of course they were. He knew that his friends would be trying to find a way to shut down the chair and its program.

He was still angry for all Pacil had put him through, but in all fairness he did learn a few things he d never thought about. Maybe he did egg his father on after his mom passed away. But, his father had changed before that...

That summer his dad had been at home all the time holed up in his office practically night and day. John remembered it was the first time they had butt heads. He now knew it was the pressures from losing his job that drove his father down. Now as an adult, John could understand the pressure his dad must have been under. He also knew his dad had let the pressure ruin him, change him.

Even when things got better after dad formed his own company, his dad had remained all business. His father forgot how to have fun with his sons and rarely had time for them. David being more like him, hadn t been ignored as much. That had hurt most of all. He missed the dad who had nurtured and cared about him. John realized how many times he really did do things just to get attention. Man, that was hard to admit! He had always blamed it all on his dad, and while he still thought his dad was in the wrong, at least he understood a little bit more how he didnt help the situation.

John wanted nothing more than to go, right now, and talk to his dad about what had happened between them. He felt it so deeply, it was almost like a physical ache. He needed to rectify things before something happened to his dad.

"Pacil, please! Please release me! I need to go see my father...I need to fix things.!"

Pacil came forward. "John, you are not yet sufficiently tranquil and at peace enough to release."

"Pacil I really hate to admit this, but you have opened my eyes to the possibility of reconciling with my dad after all these years. I really would like that opportunity."

"I sense the urgency, but you have more burdens to address before you are released, John."

"Listen, Pacil...I'm pretty sure that my other "burdens" stem from my relationship with my dad. If I get the chance to try to mend things with him, maybe those other things will be easier to deal with. I can't even think of anything else right now. You can't expect any more from me! You said that it sometimes took the Ancients many sessions to unburden themselves...Give me that! My father is ill and if I want to see him, I need to do it soon. Please release me!"

"John, I understand. Time is of the essence-I can sense that from you. My programming requires more, but I sense you will not be able to focus past what we have discovered. If I release you, would you willingly come back to finish our sessions?"

John was taken by surprise-would it be that easy to get released? He'd promise anything to get out of there! "Sure...I'll come back once I take care of this."  
>John knew he was lying. There was no way he'd willingly do this. Of course, he soon realized Pacil could read his emotions. She would know he was lying...<p>

"John, unlike the Ancients who sought my help to unburden themselves to seek ascension, I acknowledge that you will not return on your own accord. I also sense that any further examination that has to do with your burdens will be met with resistance."

"So you re going to release me?" John asked, hoping for the best.

"Yes, John...I sense you are now open to the events of your youth that caused you to close yourself off. I would like you to further examine how those events affected your experiences and decisions in your adulthood. At some point I would like you to return so we can explore this, willingly."

Okay...I'll think about that." John knew he had more issues to work out, and he knew he would take need the time to deal with them. Just not right now. First he needed to visit his father.

"John, I am sorry for any physical harm that you have incurred during this session. It was not in my original programming to cause any physical distress, however, due to maintenance neglect and power reductions an error has occurred in my system. I will reboot after you are released so I can carry out a diagnostic. This will ensure there will be no further risk to others who wish to benefit from my program. I have enjoyed joining with you - Good Bye, John."

TBC So, Pacil is going to release John-finally! Has this experience changed John?  
>This transitional chapter was really hard to write! I wasnt sure whether to delve into John's other demons, but opted to have Pacil release him to deal with what he had learned...Thanks so much to Joaniexjony for all your help! Hope to get the muse back to carryon! Thanks to all of you who have stuck with the story, I apologize for the delay and hope to have the next chapter up ASAP!<p>


	15. Chapter 15

Sanctorium

Ch 15 Released, but not Free

Rodney was frustrated and beyond weary, but he knew he would stay at it, trying to shut this damn program down to get Sheppard released. The worried look on Carson's face as he monitored Sheppard's condition rallied Rodney on, despite being at the console for over twenty some-odd hours. Carson had tried to strong arm him into taking some rest, but Rodney knew he would never rest with John stuck in the Psycho Chair.

Zelenka had joined him hours ago and even with the two of them brainstorming, every time they got close to figuring out the program protocol, it blocked them out-sending them on a goose chase. Rodney had found numerous erratic pathways that had been created in error due to the lack of preventative maintenance and lack of sufficient power. The program was creating its own bridges and solutions to missing data. He was sure the basic program was not corrupted, but he wasn't sure how much longer that would last. The most significant error was causing sporadic energy spikes that he knew had affected Sheppard. Rodney noticed that as long as the program was busy actively eluding their efforts to hack into it, the energy feedback had diminished-which he figured was a plus for Sheppard!

His frustration level was at a all-time high and with the lack of sleep, Rodney was feeling a bit punchy. Rodney had his head down in concentration when he heard a cry of surprise. Was that Carson?

He looked up to find Carson racing over to catch Sheppard slumping over, ready to fall from the chair. He stood transfixed, as did everyone else in the room. After so long, no one expected the chair or forcefield to spontaneously shutdown. The silence lasted only seconds more before Carson was calling for the med team standing by to bring the gurney over so the unconscious Colonel could be laid upon it so Carson could do a preliminary check before they headed for the infirmary.

After doing his checks, Carson was concerned about the abnormally high blood pressure, but he knew the man must be exhausted, as his brain had been active the whole time he was imprisoned in the chair. As they prepared to leave, John showed signs of awakening.

"Colonel, it's okay lad. You're going to be okay. Rest now, we'll be taking you to the infirmary where you can rest and I can keep an eye on you for awhile." Carson wanted to assure John that he was safe.

John was so weary, opening his eyes was really difficult and he could hardly think straight. His body felt like a lead blanket was covering it, his arms refusing to cooperate.

"Ron'n...where Ron'n?" John's words were whispered and so slurred, Carson took a minute to figure out what John was asking.

"Ronon, lad...John's asking for ya" Carson moved back so that Ronon was next to John.

"Sheppard, I'm here. What do you need, buddy?"

"Ron'n...shoot it!"

Ronon smiled his feral smile. "My pleasure!" With that he drew his gun and before anyone else could stop him, he flipped his gun to the kill setting and fired three successive shots into the chair. Jerking his head in a gesture, he shooed Rodney and Zelenka away from the console. Once they were clear, Ronon fired his gun at the console. Both chair and console were destroyed.

Before his exhaustion could claim him, John looked over at the mangled remains. Satisfied, he sighed with relief. He let sleep take him then, oblivious to anything else.

Halfheartedly, Rodney scolded Ronon. "Did you have to do that? I don't think Sheppard was thinking straight! I don't think he wanted you to destroy it!"

Ronon glared at Rodney. Carson knew everyone had to be exhausted and figured the relief at seeing the Colonel released and relatively okay, let the tension reveal itself. He also was too tired to deal with the bickering.

"Aye, Rodney-its what the Colonel asked him to do. We still don't know exactly what he went through, but I'm guessing he doesnt want anyone else to go through whatever he just did!"

Rodney knew, of course, that the program was corrupted and that Sheppard had suffered from that corruption. He couldn't really blame Sheppard for wanting it destroyed. He nodded wearily.

"Okay, people! Let's get the Colonel to the infirmary where we can monitor him more closely" Carson ordered before ushering them out the door. Rodney, Ronon and Teyla followed the Colonel-laden gurney to the infirmary.

John never woke up to any of the activity that accompanied his arrival in the infirmary. His clothes were swapped out for a pair of scrubs and various tests, including ones with needles were performed without any signs of acknowledgement from the sleeping man.

Carson was concerned that the Colonel's blood pressure remained high and his blood chemistries were out of whack. He was inclined to believe these things would sort themselves out as the Colonel relaxed and caught up on much needed rest. But it was the episodes of extreme stress and pain the Colonel had suffered as the result of the computer error that had Carson concerned. The brain scan results should be available on his computer by the time he made it to his office.

As Carson injected meds into the IV port, he instructed the charge nurse. "Carol, blood pressure checks every half hour and basic metabolic panel every four hours. I'll be in my office if I am needed. Thankyou." Carson added the orders to the chart. With one last look at the peacefully sleeping Colonel, he made his way to his office to view the results. Mr. Woolsey would be waiting for a report and then there was the Colonel's team waiting for word on their friend's condition. Carson sighed, it would be a while yet before he would be able to rest his weary head.

His head drooped, but not from fatigue. The brain scan results were not what Carson had hoped for. There appeared to be an anomaly, most likely due to the effects of the energy spikes. Carson wasn't sure what this meant for the Colonel. Further testing would need to wait until he was awake.

TBC So John might have more to contend with than just the emotional baggage.

Next chapter will reveal just what that means!


	16. Chapter 16

Sanctorium

Ch 16

John woke, immediately aware of a blinding heachache with the accompanying nausea that just added to the misery that shrouded his head. His groan of pain alerted his nurse, who in turn, alerted Dr Beckett.

Carson arrived at his bedside quickly, armed with a syringe full of pain medication. Pain was evident on his patient's face as was the telltale signs of nausea. Carson had just enough time to shove a basin under Sheppard's chin, before the wretching began.  
>Carson instructed the nurse to add a dose of Compazine to the IV, which would help take away the nausea and vomitting.<p>

Watching a patient in pain was hard for Carson, especially hard if that patient was a dear friend. He held the basin in place as the scant vomitting led to dry-heaves. There wasn't much in the Colonel's stomach, so the dry heaves came on quick and were quite strong. Looking down on a face of sheer agony, pale with sick, and sweat covered had Carson wishing he could do more for the man, as the meds would take a few minutes to be effective.

Once the meds started to work, the nurse quietly cooled the exhausted Colonel down with a cool sponge bath, his scrubs and bed linens were then changed. Resting easier but refusing to succumb to the sleep that threatened to take him, John wanted to know what was happening.

Carson waited until John was settled before he sat down with him so they could talk.  
>"Colonel, how are you feeling now?"<p>

Obviously weary from the bout with nausea and the headache from hell dulled by the pain meds, John was still squinting, despite the low level of light. "I'm good." It was an automatic response, but then John remembered what the session with Pacil had shown him. "Actually, Doc...I feel like I've been run over by a truck and my head feels like a hot poker was jammed into it...but the pain meds are helping ...Thanks..."

Carson was surprised at the honesty. The reflexive response of "I'm good" was never followed by an actual response relating the actual level of pain when the Colonel was involved. Carson usually had to guess or gauge the level of pain by what his eyes revealed. His eyes never lied.

"Okay, Colonel-let me know if the pain gets any worse. I can see you fighting to stay awake and its really what you need right now. So, I'll be as brief as I can. Your blood pressure is still a little too high, but more rest will most likely remedy that back to normal, although the pain has made it rise. We'll try to stay on top of the pain for now, so don't wait to ask for more meds, okay?" John nodded, he really, really didn't want to go through that again.

Carson frowned, "John, we did a brain scan when we brought you in and I'll want to do another once you've rested. The results show a small adhesion in the DLS portion of your brain."

"You mean I have brain damage, Doc? What the DSL? What's happened to me!"  
>John had been worried that the intense sharp pain had done something to him, but he hadnt been able to do anything about it.<p>

"Its called the DLS and it stands for the deep limbic system. It sits in the central brain and is the size of a walnut and is responsible for the emotional state. You have a small adhesion that most likely formed by what we witnessed to be extreme pain during your time in the chair. Are you aware of what happened to you during that time, John?"

"Wait! Are you saying I'm going to become mentally unstable, Carson?" John was getting very anxious when all of sudden a searing pain lanced through his head. On reflex, John curled into a fetal position cradling his head in his hands. A scream of agony involuntarily pierced the silent infirmary.

Carson was already instructing his nurse to prepare medication that would work along with the current pain meds to help the Colonel. He talked soothingly, rubbing circles on John's back, hoping his efforts would help calm the suffering man. Once the new medication was injected into the IV, it took another minute or two to see its effect, as John's body showed signs of relaxing. Carson was sure he was asleep when he saw his eyelids part slightly.

"Doc, what's happening?" John moaned as he unfolded, the tension releasing from his body slowly. He was getting really tired of having this damned headache from hell. He really didn't know how much he could stand.

"Colonel, we really need to keep you calm. I'm afraid the sudden increase of any emotion will cause this reaction. This adhesion is most likely to be the cause, but I assure you, Colonel-you are not, nor will you become mentally unstable. This is a physical manifestation from whatever that program's error did to you. Its problematic, Colonel-but I believe with rest and a conscious effort to keep your emotions in check will help to heal the adhesion completely.

"How long?" John was so weary, but he needed to know how long he'd be incapacitated. He really meant it when he told Pacil he wanted to see his dad. Now this would delay his plans.

"It takes as long as it takes, Colonel" Carson warned him. "I can't tell you exactly, but if all goes well and you listen and take the meds I will be prescribing-it may take a week or two, but you will be fine. We'll talk more, but I want you to get some sleep."

TBC John didnt come out of this unscathed, but i dont think it will be serious-but you never know! hope you are liking the way this is going-still struggling here-so your feedback is key! Thanks for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

Sanctorium

Ch 17 The Good and Bad

When John woke this time, it took a moment for him to realize his headache was much better, nowhere near what he had had before. He was relieved because he was afraid he was reaching his limit in the pain department. He hadn't opened his eyes yet, but he could feel a presence nearby. He opened his eyes slowly, afraid any sudden light might trigger the pain to return.

Sensing a change in John, Teyla rose to stand by his bedside, grabbing his hand and squeezed lightly to encourage him to wake. "Good morning, John!" Teyla spoke softly but cheerfully. She was a sight for sore eyes...John smiled as his eyes adjusted to the dim light from the wall light behind the his infirmary bed. He saw that Teyla held a glass of water ready for him to take a sip once he got his bearings.

"Thanks..." John took the glass and knew from experienced to sip slowly. Clearing his throat he asked "What time is it and how long have I been asleep?"

"It has been about sixteen hours since you last woke. It is 0900 Friday morning." John loved the way Teyla spoke. She always said things in such a calm, truthful and tactful way.

"0900 Friday? But we went to investigate that room on Wednesday! How long was I stuck in that chair?" The headache was revisiting and it was the last thing John wanted to deal with-again. He willed himself to calm, taking deep, cleansing breaths.

"I will get Dr. Beckett, John." Teyla went to move, then felt a hand on her shoulder.

"No need, Teyla. I was on my way when I heard your voices. And-it's Carson to you, my dear!" Taking out his penlight, he focused on John, "Good morning, Colonel...how's the head today?" John flinched when Carson did his pupil check. "Hate to say it too loud, but its not too bad, almost gone.

Teyla spoke up "John, did it not bother you just now, as we talked?" He supposed he should tell Carson of the spike of pain when he got upset about the passage of time.  
>"Ah-yeah-just a bit, but its better now. I was just surprised at how much time has gone by..."<p>

Carson frowned "That's one of the things we need to discuss, Colonel...If you remember me telling you that it is imperative for you to keep calm. And..."

Looking at Teyla, he continued " Teyla, here, is going to teach you some meditative exercises to help you maintain a state of calmness." It will be necessary, so that the adhesion can heal and anything that causes stress will impede that healing. I will be prescribing medication that I know you won't like taking, but you'll need to if you want to let that adhesion heal."

Teyla smiled as she squeezed John's hand lightly once more. "I hope you are a better student than Ronon was!" John chuckled at that when he remembered that he was the one who sent Ronon to Teyla so that she could help him chill out. Ronon had balked at the idea...just like he was ready to do now. He sighed and smiled "I promise to not fall asleep-or at least try not too.! No promises!"

Carson smiled, he had expected a fight..."Well, Colonel...I want to do another brain scan to see how that adhesion is doing. If its no worse, and hopefully-it is better, I will release you to your room, along with the meds you need to take."

"Ah, Carson...really? What kind of meds are they? From how you're acting, its the kind you know I hate to be on...I don't want to be a damned zombie!" He became aware of a slight pounding and winced.

"Aye, Colonel...see? Any kind of upset is detrimental to your condition. I think the sooner Teyla can teach you some calming techniques, the better. You can start now!"

Before John could argue, Carson took his leave. John looked up at Teyla and gave her a weak smile. "Guess you're stuck with me." Teyla smiled "I do not consider myself 'stuck', John."

Forty minutes later, John's stomach betrayed him as the silence was interrupted by the very audible growling. Teyla had been nonchalantly gazing at her friend's handsome face when his stomach protested. She giggled when he opened his eyes to see if she had heard. "Sorry, Teyla...I'm really trying, but I guess my stomach won't be put off any longer." John smiled.

"It is fine, John...You have done very well. Carson wants a blood pressure reading after meditation, so I will get a nurse to do so and then I will go to the mess hall for some breakfast to bring back. Is that alright?"

"Sounds like a plan, Teyla...and Thanks...for your help." They had been facing each other on the infirmary bed, the curtains drawn closed. Teyla leaned in towards John so she could place her forehead upon his as was the Athosian way. At the same time, John leaned forward and on impulse, he met her lips with his. Teyla was surprised and opened her eyes to see John looking directly into hers. Knowing that she had dreamt of a moment like this many more times than she could count, she smiled slightly,then closed her eyes and returned the kiss with feeling.

It had been an impulse, but the feelings behind it had been building for a long time. John had been attracted to Teyla from the first day they met, but being thrust into the commanding military officer job so quickly had been overwhelming. He had the safety of the whole expedition and the city itself on his shoulders, plus he had a lot to prove to himself. Mixing in a personal relationship would have complicated things way too much. He settled for having Teyla become a close friend, keeping his feelings in check. Thinking about how he felt now, he wondered how he had kept it in. Maybe his session with Pacil had opened him up. Huh!

As the kiss deepened and they moved closer for an intimate embrace, John was disappointed to feel the return of his headache. John ignored it, not wanting to break the bond he and Teyla were building. As his feelings and emotions became more heated, the headache became more pronounced. John cursed as a pain spiked in his head. The spell broken, Teyla knew something was wrong. "John! What is wrong?"

He grimaced "My head-Oh God-it hurts!" I c-can't..." Words eluded him as his world reduced down to spikes of pain that made him fall back, clutching his head.

"Carson!" Teyla felt helpless. "John, I'm sorry! Focus on your breathing. Take a deep cleansing breathe in..." John was beyond any reasoning as he wallow in his pain.  
>Carson entered the enclosed space. "What happened, luv...you were teaching him meditation techniques?"<p>

TBC looks like John can't handle ANY emotion right now! How will he get through the weeks needed to heal? Stay tuned! Thanks for sticking around! Please send me your thoughts!


	18. Chapter 18

Sanctorium

Ch 18 Unaware

John settled, Carson summoned Teyla to follow him to his office. She was reluctant to leave John and Carson could see that.

"Come on, luv...Marie will keep an eye on him for a few minutes so we can talk." Carson nodded to Marie as she injected yet another medication to John's IV port. She smiled her reassurance to Teyla.

Teyla followed Carson to his office, wondering how she would explain what just happened between John and herself. Now it seemed a bittersweet moment. Selfishly, she was ecstatic that John had shown that he cared for her more than just a friend. Sad, that the feelings he finally allowed to shine through had caused him pain. But more than anything she was worried that he had sustained more injury and she felt much guilt for letting their emotions rise, after all Carson had entrusted her to teach John how to keep calm.

"Teyla, what happened?"

"Carson, I am sorry! I had no idea that..." She bowed her head "I believed his condition only worsened when he was upset or angry-I had no idea...this would happen if we...I'm sorry!"

"Teyla, dear...sit down and tell me what happened. I'm sure you have no reason to be sorry dear..." Carson reassured her, knowing Teyla would never do anything to harm the Colonel. In fact, he had seen the opposite-there was more than friendship brewing between the two...practically everyone but them-and Rodney...knew there was something more. That realization hit him and he couldn't stop himself from smiling, despite the seriousness of the Colonel's condition.

He could see Teyla struggling for a way to tell him and he felt sorry for that and also that she obviously felt guilty. He came round and patted her knee. "Aye, Teyla...I can guess what happened. I have seen the way he looks at you and you at him. Its about time he made a move! He just picked a helluva time to show you his feelings! It appears not only being upset or angry causes aggravation of the adhesion!"

Carson added "I should have known that any strong emotion, bad or good, would affect his condition."

Teyla now took her turn to reassure Carson. "I did not see this coming from John, though I must tell you I am pleasantly surprised. You had no reason to fear for his safety on this matter."

Carson smiled. "Aye Teyla, this moment has been a long time coming. I am very happy for the two of you to finally show your feelings for one another...the problem right now is-what do we do now!"

He sat down behind his desk, lacing his fingers together. "I'll be doing another brain scan in a few minutes. That will determine how we will have to deal with the situation. I'm sorry Teyla, but for now I can't let you see the Colonel...I'm afraid what it might do to him...In fact, for now, I intend to keep him sedated at least until we know how these headache spikes are affecting the adhesion.

"Carson, if you keep John sedated, why can't I sit with him? He will not know I am there. I do not want to leave him. Please!"

Carson took a minute to decide, as long as John was sedated, he guessed there was no reason why Teyla couldn't stay. "Okay, lass...but while we do the scan, go get yourself breakfast and you can also let Mr Woolsey, Ronon and Rodney know what has happened."

Teyla smiled sheepishly. "I do not know how to tell them about John and myself."

Carson smiled "Aye, luv...they will not be surprised...we've all been waiting for the two of you to realize what we've seen for a very long time." Teyla was surprised at this, had the two of them been the only clueless ones! She prayed that John would recover quickly so they could catch up on the feelings they both apparently had been hiding-if only from one another! She left the infirmary after taking one more moment to make sure John was resting easy.

Carson was sitting in his office, reviewing the brain scan results he had just recieved. It was not good...the headache spikes that John had suffered since being released from the chair had caused the adhesion to become even more inflamed. He feared one more episode might cause a bleed that would cause serious, if not permanent damage. The danger of it being even fatal was a possibility. He couldn't and wouldn't let that happen to the Colonel. His decision was made for him. He prepared himself for the even harder part of being the Colonel's friend and physician, facing the people who loved John like family.

Carson was somber as he made his way to Mr Woolsey's office. Besides Mr Woolsey-Teyla, Ronon, Rodney and Lorne were present. Carson was exhausted and he had wanted to tell Teyla first, but time was of the essence, so he opted to tell them all at one time, he hoped Teyla understood.

"Hello. Thankyou for meeting so quickly. I know that Teyla has informed you that Colonel Sheppard has suffered a few bouts of headache spiking. The adhesion that was identified is a direct result from these spikes which have been aggravated by any heightened emotional state the Colonel exhibits. The latest brain scan shows an increase in inflammation. It is definitely going in the wrong direction and I'm fairly certain that should it continue unchecked, the Colonel will suffer irrepairable, possibly even fatal damage."

There was a collective gasp and he knew not one of them expected to hear this. He held up his hand to a myriad of exclamations and questions. "I know it's not good news, but...as of right now-the damage is reversible. We need to get the swelling and inflammation down." He grimaced as he spoke. "I think the only option is to put Colonel Sheppard in a medically induced coma until the adhesion is healed completely." Rodney went to protest, but Carson squashed his rant with a knowing look. "I know this isn't ideal, but we can't let any kind of emotion surface before he is healed. He is currently sedated and I dont want to risk letting him awake. In fact, my nurses are prepping him now. Colonel Sheppard will be on full life support until he is healed completely. Time is of the essence here...Now, you'll have to excuse me..."

Before any of them had a chance to protest, Carson was gone.

TBC Not what anyone wants, but it may be the only way for John to heal...  
>Hope you enjoyed this chapter-please let me know! Thanks so much for reading! <p>


	19. Chapter 19

Sanctorium

Ch 19 The Waiting Game

Once Carson had his patient settled in the ICU section of the infirmary, he allowed Teyla to sit with John. She clasped his hand in hers, afraid if she let go, he would be lost to her. Sure, she knew this was the best way to ensure that the adhesion in John's brain could heal with no further interruption, but that didn't mean she accepted it. He hadn't even been allowed to wake before he was taken deeper into sleep. The thought that he could have died, made her stomach lurch with nausea. She wanted him back, whole-so that they could explore what they had started. Tears fell as she thought how close she came to losing him.

She knew he would be angry that he hadn't been included in the decision to place him in a coma. She hoped he would understand-no, she knew he would. His handsome face was serene, the breathing tube obscured the lips that just a short while ago, had kissed her-awakening possibilities she had only thought in her dreams. She felt a flush of emotion as she thought about the many dreams she had about John. She had told no one how she felt. She found it odd that everyone seemed to know.

Her pondering was interrupted by raised voices. She cleared her mind, alert to a possible danger.

"Carson! How long do you plan on keeping Sheppard under? You didn't even give him any other option! He doesn't even know he's a vegetable right now!" Rodney raved on with Ronon beside him, glaring at the doctor.

"Auck! The two of you! This is an infirmary! Keep your voices down, for God's sake!"

Carson knew this was inevitable. Rodney's ranting-well-that was Rodney-he was used to dealing with the scientist. But he really, really did't like the way Ronon was looking at him!

'Gentlemen-please calm down and sit...This is my fault-I should have explained better, but I wanted to attend to Colonel Sheppard before the sedation wore off and he woke."

Rodney was about to rip into another rant, but Carson stood his ground.  
>"Look, I couldn't risk the Colonel...<p>

"Whoa, whoa right there-Beckett! You just sent the man into zombieland-the least you can do is stop calling him "the Colonel"! God-I hate that! Call him 'John' or 'Sheppard'-just...just stop calling him "the Colonel!"

Carson was annoyed at Rodney for bringing up such a triviality now, but when he thought about it-he was right. He did always refer to John as "the Colonel"...huh! It was out of respect, but John was his friend, too.

"Okay, Rodney! 'John' was in a tedious state, like I told you-any emotion-and I mean ANY emotion-could have caused another episode and the adhesion just couldn't hold up to another spike. I don't know how long he will be kept under-that depends on how fast the adhesion heals. Like I told 'John'...it takes as long as it takes...we will be doing brain scans daily to check the progress. There really was no other option and he is NOT a vegetable, nor a zombie! Now... he is stable and not in any danger." Carson sighed, "I suggest we all get some rest. Teyla is sitting with him now. Let her be for awhile longer...then, please...maybe you two can get her to leave and get some rest too."

One week past and each day the brain scan showed more improvement. Carson was pleased. If the healing continued at this rate, he could foresee waking John in another week.

With their team sidelined, Teyla had spent most of her waking days sitting with John. She was relieved alternately by Rodney or Ronon. John was never left alone. They would watch his back regardless of whether he knew it or not.

The signs of stress were showing on Teyla. Though she knew each tube or monitor attached to John was for good reason, it made him look fragile. Carson had explained the breathing tube was in place just to ease any stress on John's body. It really wasnt necessary, but it was an option Carson chose to use-he didn't want to leave anything to chance. A feeding tube had been added along with many other support processes. Watching John lay inanimate, depressed Teyla.

Carson came in to do a check on John's vitals and he noticed the forlorn look on Teyla's face as she sat holding his hand, making tiny circles over his hand with her thumb. Her gaze was on his face and it looked like she was trying to will him awake.

"Ah, Teyla dear...it's not good for you to sit here for so long with nothing to occupy you. At least get a book to read."

"Hello Carson, I am just missing John. It is hard to see him in this way, unmoving. This has been a very long week. But it is worth it, as long as John is healing. I do not mean to be so selfish."

"Luv, you are not being selfish, not at all. It is hard sitting vigil for a loved one, especially for someone like the Col...like John." Carson chuckled. "I don't think the man knows how to sit still for very long. I always threaten him with sedation when he gets antsy to leave the infirmary after a stay. I don't think I will ever do that again." Carson put his hand on Teyla's shoulder. "Remember, lass...this is for his own good, and it's working. He is healing quite nicely."

TBC John's healing and everyone is just doing the waiting thing. Dont' worry-he'll be waking soon! 


	20. Chapter 20

Sanctorium

Ch 20 The Homestead, Once Removed

David Sheppard was annoyed. He shouldn't have expected John to care that their father had had a stroke. John left a long time ago, leaving him to help run father's business. Now he was his father's caretaker too. He loved and respected his Dad, but he was a stubborn SOB...David smiled...That's probably why he was still alive! The old man refused to give up!

David had felt it was only right to contact his brother after their dad had the had been over three weeks ago and not a word from John. David wasn't even sure if his letter got to John or if he just ignored it. No, John may have been estranged, but he wasn't callous or vindictive-he would have at least called. Wherever the hell John was, the mail was slow as molasses! He picked up the phone and dialed information. "I need the number for Peterson Air Force Base."

It took forever for David to get through the proper channels. He had explained the situation with no less than five different people. His anger was boiling when once again he was put on hold, but no way was he ready to give up-Oh No!-he was going to give the next person he talked to a piece of his mind!

"Mr. Sheppard? This is General O'Neill." David's heart dropped, his anger giving way to fear. No way did a General talk to a querying family member, unless something was wrong.

"Yes, this is David Sheppard. I was trying to find out about my brother, Lt Colonel John Sheppard. I sent him an urgent message over three weeks ago about our father's illness and I havent heard from him at all."

"I'm aware of the situation, Mr Sheppard. I'm sorry no one has contacted you and I'm sorry to hear about your father's illness. How is his health doing, sir?"

"My father is doing much better, thankyou. He's a stubborn man."

"Then the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. John is one of the stubborness men I have the pleasure of knowing." David heard the General give a slight chuckle.

"You know my brother?" David was curious about John's chain of command and what circles he hung out with.

" It's my pleasure. I've worked with him several times, saved my ass more than once!"

"Good to hear, though-sir...that's why I am calling. I haven't heard from John. Maybe he never got my letter? I know he's stationed pretty far away."

"That he is, indeed." He heard the General clear his throat. "Mr Sheppard, I'm sorry to inform you that John has suffered an accident and has been unable to contact you, though at this point I don't know if he got your letter or not. I will inquire about that as soon as possible."

"Accident! When did this happen? Is John okay?" David felt his body go rigid with worry. He didn't know what to think, what to do!

"Mr Sheppard, Colonel Sheppard was placed in a medically induced coma. He suffered a brain injury almost two weeks ago. But-he is improving everyday and is in stable condition."

"Two weeks ago! And no one felt it imperative to contact his family? The shock was turning into anger, fueled also by a helplessness that was rare for a Sheppard to feel.

"I'm really sorry, Mr Sheppard. Colonel Sheppard is stationed far away. We just got word of his condition four days ago."

"That's still four days too late, General O'Neill! What kind of a place are you running there!

"Hey, hey ,hey! Calm down-no need to admonish the military, Mr Sheppard. I have Colonel Sheppard's paperwork in front of me here. His emergency contact list is blank.  
>I'm sorry sir."<p>

David was stunned. Why would John not have their father or him, for that matter, as his emergency contact. David knew things were strained between them, but he had no idea it was so bad. On a different day, David would be screaming mad that John snubbed his family like this. Now, he felt only sadness. Had John felt so removed from their dad and him, that he felt they wouldnt care to know if there was an emergency-or what if, God forbid-John was killed. They would never receive a call, they would conceivably never know?

"I...I don't know what to say. Please tell me what happened and what is John's prognosis?

"I don't know the details of the accident and I'm sorry but Colonel Sheppard is on a restricted base and all information is restricted. I can tell you, however, that he was placed in the coma so that his brain would have the best chance to heal properly. From all tests to date, he has not sustained any brain damage and his condition has improved dramatically. His physician expects to be able to bring him out of the coma within the next couple of days."

David sighed with relief. "You're sure he will be okay? Are his doctors sure there is no permanent damage?"

"Mr Sheppard, I spoke directly to John's physician. He assures me that all tests indicate that John will be 100 percent John Sheppard when it is safe for them to bring him out of the coma. Your brother has a hard head, sir."

"More like he's hard-headed, another trait straight from the tree."

General O'Neill chuckled at the comment, made from a man he was sure held that very same trait.

"Thankyou General O'Neill, for speaking to me today. I have one request-can you please send word to John, when he wakes up-that his family is very concerned for him and we wish him well...and he's welcome home whenever he can come back."

"That is one request I will make sure gets through. Mr Sheppard, its not my place to add you onto John's emergency list, but if and when you talk to him, you might ask him to add you on."

"I will, sir...and Thankyou."

"I'll make sure you get an update on John's condition as we receive the information. Be patient though, it takes a few days to hear. Best Wishes to your father. Good Bye, Mr Sheppard."

The line went silent and David didnt move. He was still processing the information he had just recieved. Here he had been screaming mad at John for not caring- all the while, his brother was laying in a coma in hospital with a brain injury. It was in that instance that he realized how much he missed his little brother. He knew his father had regretted the blow-out fight that ended with him banishing John. Both hurt by the words exchanged during the heat of battle, both too stubborn to see the other's side. Both too stubborn to be the first to apologize.

David wasn't sure how his father would take this news. Since his stroke, his father had mellowed quite a bit. Still feisty, but a bit more reflective, especially so where it concerned John. He had been asking about John every day. With each day that passed without word from John, their father grew more anxious and the hurt look on his face had made David even more angry at John.

David rose, took a deep breath and tucked his shirt in, smoothing it down his chest. He headed for the door, no sense putting it off...

TBC Had to touch base with the Sheppard happenings on Earth! Don't worry-John will be coming 'home' soon! 


	21. Chapter 21

Sanctorium

Ch 21 The Awakening

Carson studied the latest brain scan done that morning and smiled. The adhesion was gone completely. Still, Carson was reluctant to immediately bring John out of the coma just yet. He wanted to wait one more day for good measure. After what John had been through, he knew his emotions would be getting a workout and Carson didn't want to take any chances.

John woke slowly, Carson's voice breaking through the fog that filled his head. Man, he had really zonked out. His body felt really stiff and oddly weak, but his head which he remembered had hurt like hell, felt surprisingly good. He opened his eyes and it took a few blinks for him to be able to focus. His first thought was that he could get use to waking up to this sight-the smiling, radiant face that was Teyla. He stretched out his lean body and couldn't suppress a huge yawn.

"Oh-look at that! Colonel Sleepyhead can't possibly still be tired? Rodney had just enter the curtained off infirmary bed. John's awakening had his teammates gathering to welcome him back. Ronon was already there, satisfied to stand back and wait until Sheppard had acclimated to the idea that he had been asleep for two weeks. He wasnt sure how he would react to that particular fact.

"Hey, Rodney...I'll trade places with you! You can have the headaches from hell for awhile-see how you like it! He sounded like he swallowed a frog and man, his throat was dry and sore!

John was getting curious at the attention he was recieving and the huge smiles on everone's faces. He wondered why Carson wasnt making a fuss over him, like he normally did.

Carson could see the confusion building on John's face. The last thing John knew was that he had had another excrutiating headache spike after getting a bit frisky with Teyla. He had no clue that it had been just over two weeks since that lovely event had happened. Carson took a deep breath.

"Colonel-there's something we need to talk about." He shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "Your condition after that last spike of pain was very serious. I had to sedate you, afraid that if you woke another spike would cause severe damage."

John saw the uncomfortable look on Carson's face, then glanced around at his friends, settling on Teyla's eyes. She also looked upset and he noticed the signs of weariness that resided in her doe brown eyes. She looked up towards Carson, so John turned his attention back to Carson.

The doctor really looked nervous. "Doc, what? What's wrong? So you sedated me-I'm kind of glad you did-that pain was way too intense! Wait, am I dying or something?" John didnt feel like he was, and his headache was gone-he actually felt pretty good-tired, weak-but good. So what would make all his friends look at him so cautiously. His weak muscles! Had he suffered a stroke, was he paralyzed?

Carson cleared his throat. "John, I sedated you initially, but after reviewing the brain scan we did, it was necessary to put you in a medically induced coma." He paused, so John could digest what he had just told him. John's face paled a bit and he frowned, his head tilted slightly sideways.

"Come again? What?" John couldn't quite comprehend what Carson was saying.

"John, you've been in a medically induced coma for 15 days. Due to your condition, I couldn't allow you to awaken from the initial sedation. The adhesion had become too inflamed and was in danger of rupturing. Any kind of emotion, good or bad could have caused severe, possibly fatal damage. Carson wanted to avoid getting John upset, but it was inevitable, from the look on his patient's face, at least now-with the adhesion completely healed, there was no more danger from any emotional turmoil.

Teyla decide now was a good time to step in. "John, I am so sorry. After our...session..., you became quite ill. I feel it is my fault that Carson was forced to make this decision. He explained to us that it was a decison he did not make lightly, and it was the only way he could assure that your condition did not become critical or worse."

John's gaze softened. "Teyla, whatever happened-it was in no way, your fault. He squeezed her hand that held his. He would have to make sure that Teyla didnt feel bad about returning his kiss, because frankly, he intended to continue where he had left off-provided he was actually going to live!

His gaze went back to Carson. "So...wow-its been two whole weeks? No wonder I'm stiff! Wait a minute! Why is my throat sore-did you have to put a breathing tube in? Damn! I hate that thing and Oh, Doc! What other "tubes" did you assault me with? Oh-don't ...I don't wanna know!

John knew whatever Carson had done, he had done it for his welfare-but it didn't mean he liked what had been done to him while he had been unaware!

"Okay, so where are we at now? I'm assuming I must be better-or I'd still be in LaLaLand...Just tell me it was worth it. I'm hoping with two weeks of no emotions going on-this adhesion had time to heal, right?

"I don't believe it!" Rodney chimed in. "You aren't mad, upset, ready to rip out Carson's throat? Cause, honestly-I figured you'd be screaming bloody murder by now!

Ronon, also surprised by John's attitude but irritated by Rodney's bringing up how they all thought John would react, warned "McKay!" His look told Rodney to lay off.  
>With Rodney duly quieted, Ronon added "It's good to have you back, Sheppard."<p>

"Thanks, Chewie... and sorry to disappoint you Rodney! Carson did what he had to do. I am healed, right Doc?" John asked, mentally crossing his fingers.

"Aye, you are! There is no evidence of the adhesion left. You are 100 percent clear!"  
>Carson grinned and was relieved and surprised that John was okay with what had been done to him without his knowledge. John was a fair, considerate and decent man, but cross him and all bets were off. He seemed a tad more mellow than usual, which had Carson a bit worried.<p>

"So! Since I am 100 percent John Sheppard...when can I get out of here?

Carson chuckled. Yes, he was-100 percent...no worries...John was just-John...

"Aye, I will release you to your quarters. You may have been in a coma, but it wasnt like normal REM sleep...you need a few days of restful sleep to catch up. And ya need to get food in your stomach. The feeding tube did its job, but you still lost weight. Just take it slow-soft, easy foods to digest at first...Auck-you know better than most!

"Yeah, Doc...been there, done that! John shoved the blanket aside. He was pleased to see he was dressed in scrubs, shuddering to think about being unconscious while someone dressed him-but who was he kidding-he'd been through that so many times he didnt have enough fingers and toes to count! He would never, ever get used to it though!

Ronon had already secured a wheelchair. "Come on Sheppard, before the Doc changes his mind." John took one look at the wheelchair and opened his mouth to protest. One look from Carson had him swallowing his words of protest and figured he'd better just go while the goin' was good!

Teyla helped John as he stood. He tried not to leaned too heavily on Teyla, but his legs were like rubber. Luckily it was only a few steps to the wheelchair. Rodney offered his shoulder for support and John readily accepted he needed help.

"Now, Colonel...you are bound to be weak from inactivity. Take it slow...I don't want ya back with a fracture because ya fell. I want you back in the infirmary here tomorrow morning for a check-up. Any problems, and I mean ANY problems, use your ear com to contact me. Ideally, I'd like ya not to be alone for the night."

John looked over at Teyla. "Oh, that's a really good idea, Doc! I..ah...I am weak and all." Pointedly looking at Teyla, he asked "Who wants to spend the night?"

Teyla smiled and laughed. "It is Rodney's turn, I believe..."

"What? I sat with him last night!" He noticed the gleam in Teyla's eyes. "Oh-okay...you're kidding right?...Right...ah...I'll see you all in the morning. He looked down at John as he got comfortable in the wheelchair. "Its good to see you awake and...100 percent again...don't do anything I wouldnt do!"

John rolled his eyes..."Don't worry McKay-I will, you can count on it!" Rodney laughed as he made his way out.

"Let's go! I need my rest!" He threw his best puppy dog look at Teyla.

Carson shook his head and laughed quietly to himself. Yes, John would be alright.

TBC So John is all better, just needs to rest up and then he needs to set things right with his father. Hope you are enjoying the story! Please send me a review with your thoughts!


	22. Chapter 22

Sanctorium

Ch 22 Warm and Cozy

John was disappointed that the short trip to his room, and riding in a wheelchair no less, had exhausted him. The energy it took to move from the wheelchair to his bed, with help, had zapped the last of his strength. He was fighting to keep his eyes open because he really wanted to talk with Teyla.

Ronon wheeled the chair out of the way, but it was near enough if needed. "Sheppard, I'll see you in the morning, I'll come back to take you for your check-up."

John was going to protest, hoping he'd be better rested and could walk, but he could feel his muscles already strained from practically doing nothing, so he nodded to Ronon. "Thanks, Chewie...see you in the morning." Ronon smiled at Teyla as he left.

Teyla sat next to him on his bed. "John, please do not stay awake for me. You must be very tired. Carson said you need much sleep in order to recover. I will sit in the chair and read for awhile." She moved to get up, but John's hand gently held her in place.

"Teyla, we need to talk..."

"John, you need rest. We can talk later, there is no urgency to do so right now. I am here and will be here, for as long as you wish me to be. Now sleep."

"Lay with me Teyla? Just let me feel the comfort of holding you in my arms? I think I'd fall asleep faster?" He smiled, a hopeful look on his face.

He melted at the smile that blossomed on her face. Damn, he wanted her! For now, he would be satisfied just having her near. He held the blanket out with a shaky arm, inviting her to join him. She giggled, kicked her shoes off and joined him, molding her body next to his. It felt so right to be so near him. His warmth spread to her and the feeling was wonderful.

John drew her in snuggly against his body and felt a peace he hadn't felt in a long time. He felt alot more than just peace, but that would have to wait, unfortunately. Their body heat warmed the small spaces between them, a blissful warmth that made them both relax and it wasn't long before both were in a restful sleep.

Teyla woke abruptly to a peculiar sound, her eyes flying open. She did not move, as her disorientation made her cautious. The sound happened again and the bewildered look on Teyla's face would have been priceless-had anyone seen. It took her a few moments to realize she was in John's room, in John's bed, with her head resting on John's stomach!

She chuckled to herself when she realized the sounds were coming from John's bowels. She stifled a laugh as she listened to his stomach gurgle...the steady rise and fall of his chest told her that he was still fast asleep. She was mesmerized by the bowel sounds, quickly noting that John had not eaten in over two weeks, though he had been nourished by the feeding tube Carson had fitted him with.

Unable to resist, she slid her hand up under his scrub top and she could feel the flat plane of his muscled abdomen and chest. She had always admired his lean, muscular body. She frowned, when she realized she could count his ribs though. He had lost much weight despite the feeding tube.

Reluctantly withdrawing her hand, she had a clear mission in mind. She would make sure John would regain his strength and stamina in record time. This would start with her bringing back breakfast for them to share. She quietly extracated herself from his embrace, not wanting to wake him just yet. John stirred but did not awaken. Teyla made a quick stop to her own room for a shower and change of clothes and then made her way to the mess hall.

Balancing the tray laden with all sorts of breakfast foods, a coffee for John and tea for herself, she swiped the door open. John was still sound asleep. She was glad that he had slept so soundly and she almost hated to wake him now. Actually she was kind of surprised he could sleep with his stomach protesting so adamantly.

She knelt on the floor, her face inches from his. His handsome face made her heart flutter. She had never met a man who was as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside, until she had met John Sheppard.

She had taken an instant liking to the man, so different from the others who had come with him that day. His lop-sided grin and charming demeanor had drawn her in immediately. She had purposely taken only him to the site of the ruins, so that she might get to know him a little bit better-so she could gage the measure of the man , representative of his people and their values.

She leaned down and kissed his cheek, noting the roughness of his unshaven cheek. Surprised that he did not stir, she kissed him again and again. She grew concerned at his lack of response. Reaching for her ear com with the intention to contact Carson, John opened his eyes and smiled. "Good morning!" He blinked a few times and stretched, his hands then came around to gently caress Teyla's face, leaning up to place a lingering kiss on her lips.

"John, I was worried, as you did not awake."

"Oh, Teyla, I was definitely awake, but I was enjoying your attentions too much to ruin the moment." He smiled that lethally charming smile once more. Teyla playfully slapped his arm and giggled. She leaned in for a more satisfying kiss and John obliged. The door chimed and they ignored it, until it chimed again and again. They groaned as they separated. John gave Teyla that "later!" look, then thought the door open.

Both Rodney and Ronon came in with breakfast trays, enough for four. Ronon looked over at the tray Teyla had brought. "Morning, guess we're just in time!'

John muttered "More like your timing sucks, McKay!"

Ronon stacked the empty breakfast trays on John's desk. "That was good, I'm full."

John grinned. "You should be! You had your tray and practically everything on our tray!" Teyla nodded. "Yes, Ronon...it is essential that John eat to regain his strength. We must make sure he gets a proper diet." "John" John pointed to himself "Is a big boy and honestly, that bowl of oatmeal and the coffee were plenty! I'm sure my stomach shrunk over the last two weeks. It might take a while to eat normal. I can never figure out how you can stuff so much in at one time, Ronon...and Rodney!

"Hey, wait a minute. I only had what was on my tray, Sheppard!" Rodney protested.

"Yeah...and that tray was piled high!

Teyla changed the subject. "John, it is soon time for your check-up. Do you need help getting to the bathroom?"

"Hmmm, I might need some help- in the shower!" John waggled his eyebrows.

"Oh...oh...here we go...you two all lovey dovey! I'm out of here! Catch up with you at lunch" Rodney bolted for the door.

Ronon stood and offered his hand to John. "Come on, old man...I'll help you to the door, then you're on your own." He scowled, then smiled.

John took his hand and used it as leverage to lift off the bed. He stumbled and Ronon caught him. Sheepishly, John thanked him. His legs were shaky, but by shuffling along, he made slow amd steady progress to the bathroom. "I sure feel like an old man!"

"We will wait out here. If you need help..." She looked over at Ronon and back at John "I will send Ronon in..." The disappointment on John's face had both Teyla and Ronon laughing. "Very funny, you two!" He shut the door and thought the shower on.

John had showered and dressed before the inevitable weariness set in. Teyla offered to help him shave and against his protests, she sweet talked him into letting her help. Actually, having Teyla shave him was a real turn on and he noticed she seemed to be enjoying it too. She sure was taking her sweet time gliding the razor over his foam-clad face and neck.

Ronon cleared his throat, growing impatient..."Better hurry, got your check-up remember?"

John chuckled. It really didnt matter what time they made it to the infirmary...it wasnt like he had an appointment or anything...he wondered if the big man might be a little jealous. Naw, not Ronon...he was just bored. Ronon was worse than he was in the 'keeping still' department.!

Ronon brought the wheelchair close to the bathroom so John wouldnt have far to walk. Once settled, John sighed. "Man, I hate being so weak...but thanks...to you guys...for helping me."

"You will soon be strong once again, John. Do not become frustrated with yourself. We will help you in any way we can."

"Yeah, once Carson says you can, we'll start weight training and running to build you up. It shouldn't take long...you've been worse."

"Thanks, Chewie...words of encouragement!" John just shook his head. Carson was, in fact, waiting for them. "Good Morning, Colonel! Teyla! Ronon! How is everyone this fine morning!

"Gee Doc, did you take some of your good drugs? You're awfully chipper!"

"It's called having a good night's sleep. Does wonders! And...how did you sleep Colonel? You do look much better this morning, did ya sleep well?"

"I slept like a log, Doc...thanks to Teyla!"

Teyla blushed. "I merely made sure he was comfortable and warm. He was quite exhausted."

"Hmmmm. I bet he was..." John caught Carson's teasing look. "Doooooccc!" John warned.

"No offense, lad. I'm only teasing!" Carson clapped his hands together. "Let's get this check-up done and I'll want another brain scan. Let's see where you're at!"

TBC John's on the mend, but needs to build his strength up. He'll need his team for help under Carson's watchful eye. John's in a hurry...


	23. Chapter 23

Sanctorium

Ch 23 Two Sides of a Coin

Waiting patiently for the results of his check-up, John sat on the infirmary bed with Teyla in the chair beside him. Ronon had gone as he had a class of Marines to torture. John figured the first recruit would be showing up any minute in need of stitches or at the very least-an ice pack.

Carson approached them with the brain scan results. "Well, Colonel-looks like everything is just fine. There is no evidence at all of any adhesion. Your blood pressure and blood chemistries are all perfectly in normal range. We need only to concentrate on getting you physically back into duty ready."

"Great, Doc...thanks! John went to get off the bed, but Carson's hand on his chest stopped him.

"There is something we haven't discussed, Colonel. What happened while you were in the chair?" Carson hated to bring it up. John seemed to be emotionally okay, still-whatever happened to him while he was in that chair was bound to come back to haunt.

"Doc, not yet...I'm not ready...besides it was kind of all personal stuff..."

"Colonel, since we have no psychologist at the moment, Mr Woolsey has asked me to evaluate you emotionally as well as physically. I cannot do this properly if you won't talk."

"Carson, please...I need to deal with getting my strength back as quick as I can. I will tell you, I promise-plus as soon as I am physically able, I will be asking for Leave to go back to Earth...my dad is ill and I need to see him."

"John! I had no idea! Why did you not tell me-us of this?" Teyla was surprised and a little hurt that she had not known.

"Teyla, that was one of the things I wanted to talk to you about last night. I found out my father had a stroke the night before the whole chair thing...My brother sent me an letter and it was over a week late. I wasn't sure what to do, then all this happened. I don't even know how he is doing now!"

Carson spoke up "Colonel, while you were in the coma, I informed the SGC of your condition and General O'Neill contacted me, personally, to find out how you were doing...he also wanted an update, which I was going to do today during our next relay to command. Perhaps you can sit in with me and talk to him about finding out about your dad."

"Thanks Carson, I'd like that.." John was anxious to find out about his father and send word to his brother via the SGC that he would be in touch as soon as possible. Knowing David, his brother was pissed that he hadn't had a response from his wayward, detached younger brother. He wasn't sure if he would even be welcomed to come back.

"The relay won't be open until 1700 hours. Meet me in the conference room."  
>Carson clapped John on the back lightly. "In the meantime, I'm ordering you outside to get some fresh air and some sun...tis a beautiful day out there today. Be careful though-put some sunblock on! I don't want to be treating sunburns or worse!"<p>

John chuckled when he saw the first Marine recruit casualty from the war machine, also known as Ronon. As a nurse guided the recruit past him, the young Marine smiled shyly and saluted his Colonel. "How are you doing, McNabb?" The recruit seemed genuinely surprised that the Colonel knew his name. "I'm good, sir!"

"No...no you're not...and its okay to say so...Marie and Dr Beckett will fix you up though. Take care...and McNabb?...next time you spar with Ronon...block to your left, then come in low on your right...that's worked for me!"

McNabb smiled broadly, his smile showing where a tooth used to be, blood poured from the hole and also from his nose. "Yes, sir!" He saluted again before Marie led him to an infirmary bed.

John felt tired and weak. Eyeing the wheelchair thenTeyla, he resigned "Come on, let's go save some Marines, Teyla! We can plan for a picnic on the East pier. Carson , want to join us?"

"Aye, I just may do that-providing you stop Ronon from sending me any more patients!"

"Okay-we'll let you know what time in a little while."

Teyla was struck by the fact that John didn't seem concerned that the young Marine recruits would see him in a wheelchair. John had always wanted to show no weakness as he was the military commander. It was odd, now, that it seemed John did not care.

"John, do you wish to go to the gym?" Teyla asked tentatively, not sure how he would answer-he certainly had changed somewhat. It wasn't quite disturbing, more it was just plain -unJohnlike.

"Yeah, Teyla...it's too nice a day for Ronon to be sending the newbies to the stuffy infirmary."

Teyla decided to just ask the question that was reeling in her mind. "John, do you want the Marines to see you in a wheelchair. Would you like to stand and walk in on your own?"

"Naw, Teyla. I figure they need to see me as a human being first before they can respect me as their commander. Now-on the battlefield?, well-that's a different story... I will always be as stoic as possible."

"John, I do not understand this change. You have always maintained that you needed to show no weakness in front of your men?"

"I know, Teyla and I still believe that, ..but there's a time and place. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes and I get hurt-just like everyone else. I hope that my actions as their military commander will show them the kind of man they can respect and follow. Don't worry, Teyla-I still have a lot of pride and stubbornness left and can give anyone a run for their money in that department! I'm sure you'll still come across that part of me-unfortunately-and just let me apologize now for those times!"

Teyla was unsure, but she kind of liked that John seemed more open and a little bit more vunerable. It was just different from the John who held everything in and kept even his closest friends at bay, though over the last year he had opened up to them much more. She knew the "other" John was still there, waiting in the wings, waiting to help him be strong when he would need it the most. She reminder herself that, this John took the chance and showed her his feelings. This John was making her dreams possible.

TBC So this is the new, improved John. Do you like him this way? Its not a huge change-well-maybe it is...I just wanted John to come out of his experience in the chair a little more thoughtful and a little more reflective, not really vulnerable-just perhaps a little more open. Send me your thoughts, please? 


	24. Chapter 24

Sanctorium

Ch 24

The sun felt good on his face. It was good to be here with his friends. His appetite was improving and the cheeseburger, made with real beef from Earth, had tasted soooo good. Satiated and relaxed, John looked around at his friends, all lounging on lounge chairs they had ordered from Earth for just such occasions.

John thought about how his father was doing. He prayed he was doing well and had not been too ill to recover. It was an awful feeling not knowing if his dad had survived the stroke or not.

John thought about his own ordeal. His dad and brother had no clue what had happened to him. Normally, the military informed family when there was an illness, injury or, unfortunately, death to their loved one serving in the military. John gasped when he realized that his family wouldn't know-had never known-all the times he had been at death's door.

When he had joined the Air Force so many years ago, against his father's wishes, his father had ended up disowning him. In defiance, John had refused to put his father's name or his brother's on his emergency contact list. Over the years, even when John's defiance turned to regret, he had never updated the information.

The realization made John sad that so much time had gone by. He really needed to get back home. Not his home-Atlantis was that now. But he figured he had a childhood home and regardless, it was still there, if his dad and brother opened it to him again. He just wasn't sure that either one would want to reconcile. Still, David had made the move and contacted him about their dad. Maybe there was hope.  
>Carson had been looking around and as his eyes fell on John, he saw sweat and paleness replace the healthy glow. It wasn't hot enough to cause anyone to sweat as the ocean breeze was pleasantly refreshing.<p>

"Colonel...John...are you alright lad?" Carson was on alert as he watched John carefully. He seemed to rally and color slowly made its way back. John smiled sadly at Carson.

"Yeah, I'll be okay. I was just remembering something."

No one else had seen John's discomfort and Carson didnt want to draw any attention. so he whispered "Do ya need to talk about it, lad?"

"Not here, not now. Maybe in a little while, Carson-before the conference call, okay?"

"As long as you're okay, we can talk...later"

John's color was back and the sweat sheen had evaporated on the ocean breeze. Teyla had gone back to the mess hall for water bottles and had just returned, after passing a cold one to each of them, she sat next to John. Knowing John so well, she sensed a discomfort that had not been there before. She caught Carson's eyes and he flashed her a look not to ask.

Rodney, as always with his impeccable timing broke the silence, as he turned towards John. "You know, Sheppard...with everything that happened, you never told us what happened to you while you were in the psycho chair. Want to share?"

Carson was shocked at Rodney's bluntness-and his timing. "Rodney, just enjoy this day. Leave the Colonel alone!"

"See...there you go again! "The Colonel...the Colonel...he's your friend Carson! Call him John!

"Rodney!" John's jaw clenched. "Let it go!"

The silence could be cut with a knife and no one moved. John's mind reeled with so many thoughts. He wondered if this would be a good time to tell his family here what he had gone through. Oh, he wouldn't tell them everything, just the 'cliff notes' version. John sighed. He guessed it would never get easier and there would never be a good time and he did need to let them know how desperate he was to see his father.

John smiled. "I like that Rodney-psycho chair...kind of fits. With that damned error that's exactly what it was." He took a minute to collect his thoughts.

"The program called itself Pacil..." John told them as much as he felt comfortable with. Eventually he would share more with Teyla.

So now they knew why he needed to get home. He tried to explain his childhood and his relationship with his father so they wouldn't think of his father badly. He wanted them to know that their severed relationship was as much his fault as it was his father's. Sheppard men were stubborn and hard-headed. A fact they all assured him they knew all too well-John had actually laughed at their agreement...

It actually felt good to get this off his chest. It wasn't so bad being open to his friends he considered his family. He knew they wouldn't judge him, though he wasn't sure about what they thought of his father.

The situation was what it was. He had the ability to rectify the wedge that was set between him, and his dad and brother. He needed to try. No -he needed to succeed.

John met Carson and Mr Woolsey in the conference room fifteen minute before the conference call. They went over the 'wish list' Woolsey had compiled and would relay to the supply officer back at the SGC.

Chuck keyed the intercom, informing them the Stargate was engaged and contact had been made. General O'Neill greeted them. They had alot of information to exchange in 38 minutes. The official Atlantis/SGC/IOA business was completed first and Woolsey excused himself to go deal with a facility issue. Carson was next to give his official report on John's condition. John sat patiently, finding it weird to sit there listening to an official report about himself.

"Thankyou Dr Beckett, so what you're saying is Lt Colonel John Sheppard's health is improving, but is still rehabilitating?"

"Yes, General. Colonel Sheppard has made a remarkable recovery, but is still not duty ready. I will be re-evaluating Colonel Sheppard in one weeks time. I'm confident that with the present physical rehab he is doing, he will be at top level to be return to duty then."

"Well, that certainly is good news, Dr Beckett. As always you have done an exemplary job as Chief Medical Officer. Thankyou. Now, I'd like to speak to Colonel Sheppard privately, if you don't mind."

"Certainly, General O'Neill. Take Care." Carson stood and squeezed John's shoulder before he left the room.

"Lt Colonel John Sheppard here, sir"

"Drop the formality, John.. We're off the record now...So, how are you really doing, John?"

"Honestly, sir...I'm good, well, much better...the PT is tough, but I'm improving everday. Carson really is an amazing Doctor...and I have a great support system here, sir. They don't let me get away with anything!" John laughed.

"John, drop the "sir" too...it's Jack-off the record...of course. You're a lucky man, John. Good family, good friends!"

"Yeah, I don't know how I'd survive half the stuff the Pegasus Galaxy throws at us without my team..and Doc Beckett!.

"Like I said "good family"...John, about your family back home here..."

"Ah, Jack? That's why I wanted to be included in this conference call. I have a favor to ask. My brother sent me a letter..."

"Hold on John...I know all about your father's illness. I had a very interesting call from your brother..."

"You did?" John was surprised and shocked. David had actually called asking about him?

"Yes, John...seems your brother was very concerned as to why his letter to you was never answered."

"Well, I got the letter the night before the whole chair thing. I didn't have time to respond."

" I think it was more than that... But...listen John, I know the whole confidentiality health disclosure thing, but your brother was really worried that he hadn't heard from you. Your paperwork didn't list your father or brother as contacts, so they were never apprised of your condition. Whether they were listed or not, your brother who has power of attourney for your father, is technically your next of kin. Next of kin are privvy to information about health issues, so when he called inquiring about you, I was obligated to disclose the status of your health."

"Oh! Thank God!

"Excuse me? Thank God? John, I've been torn up about this since I had to tell your brother that you suffered a brain injury and were in a forced coma! I don't know what rift you have with them and it's none of my business. But I'm going to make it my business to tell you that your brother was genuinely shocked and concerned for you! He wanted me to relay his concern, made me promise that I would make sure you knew your family was praying for you and hoped when you were well enough-you might consider coming home. In fact , he said you would be welcomed anytime. Oh, and your father was doing better, by the way!"

Tears welled in John's eyes. It was such a releif to find out his dad was doing better. Had his brother really extended an invitation to come home? John's thoughts were interrupted .

"John, we only have a few minutes. Son, do me a favor?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Update your damned personnel file!"

"Yes, sir! Oh, Jack? Would you send word to my father and brother to let them know I'm okay?"

"You can tell them yourself! I'm requesting you return to Earth for evaluation and rehab for the next week , which can be carried out in your hometown. And then, I am approving another two weeks of personal time I know you want to take, right? Tell Carson-no offense-but you need to come home for some unfinished business and it will cut through alot of red tape if its medically indicated.

"Thankyou, Jack. Oh! Can I bring a companion along?"

"I need to ask who for security clearance purposes."

"Teyla, sir."

Jack chuckled, rumors about John and Teyla had made it all the way through the wormhole express, God knew how!  
>"Of course, John. We'll get paperwork ready for her visit. Be ready tomorrow. I'll approve a scheduled Stargate activation at 1300 hours. See you then!"<p>

"Thankyou, sir! See you then!"

TBC so John is finally going 'home'...and Teyla's going with him! This was hard chapter to write...let me know what you think! I'm sure there are lots of technical errors, but I dont even pretend to know what I'm doing! LOL! Just remember this is all for entertainment value! I just hope it makes sense and you enjoy it!Thanks to you all who read and review! Feedback is so cool!


	25. Chapter 25

Sanctorium

Ch 25

John and Teyla were greeted by General O'Neill and Colonel Carter as they stepped through to the SCG gateroom. O'Neill could see the stiffness evident in John's movements, but the man exuded sheer happiness as he escorted Teyla down the ramp. Sam hugged both of them tightly.

It had been a year since Sam had been replaced as the expedition leader on Atlantis. She was glad to be back near Jack, but she missed Atlantis and the people . John and her had developed a great working relationship as well as becoming fast friends. She had been aware of the sparks between John and Teyla, though both had kept their feelings for one another hidden. She knew how difficult that was as she had experienced the same concerning Jack.

She took Teyla aside "Soooo, tell me! Is it official? Are you two a couple yet?"

Teyla blushed and smiled radiantly. "I believe we are!"

Sam hugged her again "Congratulations! John is a great guy and he's just as lucky! You are very special too!. I wish you both much happiness!"

Jack rolled his eyes. "How are you doing today, Colonel?"

John winced as he switched the duffel bag to his other hand. "Still a bit stiff, but I'm sure its from the brutal regimen of physical rehab Carson and Ronon dreamed up for me to do!"

"Well, you're not escaping that while you're here either. At least for the next week back in your hometown. Janet has a list of Physical Rehab centers in town. I want you duty ready in one weeks time, even if you have another two weeks of personal time built into this visit. You deserve a full two weeks off with no physical determents, so work hard this next week. That's an order!"

"Yes, sir...and Thankyou sir...for everything!"

"My pleasure, Colonel. Good to see you mending well." General O'Neill gestured them to follow him out of the gateroom. "You need to do the mandatory physical and Janet, ah Dr Frasier, wants to get her hands on you, Colonel-to do her official evaluation. Sam arranged for a rental car for the next three weeks, courtesy of the IOA."

"Wow, thanks Sam. I hadn't even thought about if I was okay to drive. My reflexes are still a little sluggish."

"Hmmm. We hadn't thought of that either! Let's wait to see what Janet says. If she doesn't think you're ready, we can always find you a chaffeur."

"Swell" John whispered, more to himself, he totally hated being under par. Carson had explained how the forcefield had played havoc with his muscles, yet another error caused by the power fluctuations when the system rebooted. Still, he was impatient with the slow recovery his body was making, especially after the torturous workouts Ronon, aka Conan the Barbarian forced on him! He swore Carson and Ronon were evil torturors in their previous lives!

Dr Janet Fraser was at her desk reviewing all of John's test results involving the incident and its aftermath. Dr Beckett had theorized, based on the elevated enzymes in John's blood, that he had suffered moderate muscular degradation due to the forcefield that held him immobile while he was in the chair.

The enzyme levels had been dangerously high initially, but had steadily decreased back to normal. The damage done, Carson had started John on an aggressive regimen of PT to build up the lost muscle tissue. She would recommend the same regimen of PT to the Rehab center that John chose to use.

All this had been secondary to the brain adhesion that nearly cost John his life.  
>She marvelled that the man was ambulatory at all, two weeks out! He certainly had been through the ringer, physically and emotionally.<p>

The charge nurse informed her that Colonel Sheppard and Teyla had arrived. She rose to meet them and was pleasantly surprised to see Colonel Sheppard looking so well.

"Colonel Sheppard, Teyla! Welcome back to Earth! John, you are looking very well considering what you've gone through. I was just reviewing your chart...trouble unfortunately seems to seek you out! I'm glad Carson sorted you out so well.

"Good to see you again, Doc! Yeah, Carson sure has his hands filled with all the stuff the Pegasus Galaxy puts us through. Dr Beckett, the miracle worker of the Pegasus Galaxy!"

"That, he is! He did pretty well here on Earth too!

" Teyla, you look marvelous, as always. You absolutely glow! It's good to see you again too." She hugged Teyla, then John.

"John? Carson is still concerned about your weight. We just got in some new muscle building protein drinks that I want you to start taking. I'm recommending Carson stock these shakes, replacing the protein drinks he is stocking now. This one has a new improved formula that really does the trick. Anyway, let's get the physicals out of the way and then I'll concentrate on your evaluation John."

Dr Fraser was pleased by John's physical recovery to date. At present he was still struggling with fatigue and muscle weakness. With the continued regimen of aggressive PT, the new protein shake added to his diet and John's sheer determination, she was sure he would be duty ready by this time next week.

However, she couldn't clear him to drive. His muscles were still too weak and stiff to respond quickly enough. John had pretty much guessed he wouldn't pass on that account. He didn't care about driving, as long as he got back home soon. Hmmm, he had just called home-home. It would be good the see the old homestead, it had been over 15 years since he had left as a disowned son, swearing he'd never ever return.

He remembered the last words he yelled "Good Riddance" before he entered his car and drove away. Life sure had a way of kicking him in the teeth. Looking over at Teyla, he also had to remember that Life had provided a means for him to start his own over again. Being able to come to Atlantis, having the strongest known ATA gene, meeting Teyla were all blessings he was so incredibly grateful for.

Teyla watched as John slipped into a melancholy mood. She offered her hand and he took it as he stood. They embraced and she whispered words of encouragement. She knew he was most likely thinking about his impending return to his family after so many years of animosity. He hugged her tight. "Thanks Teyla...thanks for being here.

John had to attend an official meeting with General O'Neill, Colonel Carter and Dr Fraser, while Teyla had to fill out the paperwork created for her visit to Earth.

Sam had cancelled the rental car since John couldn't drive yet and instead she had ordered a limosine to take them to the airport. With John's permission, Sam had contacted David and explained that John was unable to drive. Without hesitation, David had offered to fly John and Teyla home on the Sheppard Industries private jet.

Their business done at SGC headquaters, John and Teyla were free to go. Jack and Sam walked them out. "Good Luck, John. I hope everything works out for you. The Longwood Rehabilitation Center will contact Janet with your prognosis in a week...make it good!" Jack shook John's hand. "Thankyou again, sir. See you in three weeks."

"Teyla-keep him in line." Teyla smiled and assured she would do her best.

Sensing the goodbyes were done, the limosine driver moved to open the door for Teyla and John to board the stretch limo. He familiarize them to the amenities provided and then closed the door. John powered the window down. Smiling, he said "This is great Sam! We feel like royalty! Thanks again! " He waved goodbye, as did Jack and Sam. They watched as the limo drove away.

"I hope John can reconcile with his dad and brother. I can tell there was alot of bad blood there, but his brother was pretty sincere when he asked me to tell John he was welcome to come home."

Sam nodded "John's really a great guy. I just don't understand what would cause a father to banish his very own son."

Jack hugged Sam then. "If it doesnt work out, at least he's got Teyla now"

TBC Sorry for the late explanation as to why John is so weak! It just dawned on me that I had not include that little whump detail! My bad! John and Teyla are off to Sheppard land. Let's hope their visit is all that it should be. 


	26. Chapter 26

SANCTORIUM

Ch 26 Heading Home

Settled on the Sheppard Industries private jet, John figured it was a good time to fill Teyla in on the Sheppard family history. He figured he wasn't really being fair to her, telling her now-while on route-just how screwed up his family was. Or had been. He sure was hoping the years had mellowed his father and brother. This trip was the make or break deal. The black or white. The all or nothing. The...okay-enough with the stalling, Sheppard...just tell her what she's gotten herself mixed up in.

"Teyla?" John cleared his throat. "We need to talk."

She looked so beautiful, the sunlight spilling in through the window to highlight her exotic features. What a fool he'd been for all the years he never acted on his feelings. He should have told her long ago...

"John?"

His thoughts of her were interrupted. She was looking at him with concern.

"Ah-sorry Teyla...I was just thinking...never mind...I, ah...this isn't easy for me to talk about...my broken relationship with my father and brother...I should have told you all this before we left-so you could have had the option to back out of coming with me."

Teyla saw the trepidation in his face. "John, I come with you, to be-with you." She smiled. "We have stood side by side facing many dangerous adversaries, surely your family can not be that bad."

John smiled sadly "They could give the worst of them a run for their money."

"I can not believe that, John. It has been many years since you left, perhaps the reasons why you left do not exist anymore." Teyla could not imagine a father banishing his son, no matter what the reason. In the few years that she had known John, she had never seen anything but goodness. Oh, she was not discounting that he had faults. The man could be most hard-headed and stubborn! Most likely those were family traits and would account for the disagreements that led to the rift.

Over the next hour, John told Teyla the tale of two very different Sheppards and the many clashes that ended with his disownment and his sworn pledge to never return.

"So, should I have the pilot turn around?" John asked, half-heartedly.

Teyla looked into his hazel eyes and loved what she saw there. She saw hope and love and determination...and vulnerability. He had opened up to her, something he had not done with anyone else. "John, it means so much to me that you felt you could share this with me. I want to be with you...I want to help you, support you...whatever you need from me."

John smiled as he stood up, taking her hand and pulling her up into his embrace.

"I'm so glad you're here with me. I'm hoping things will turn out for the best, just...its been a long time...whatever happens, having you here with me means so much." He needed to feel her lips on his, needed to feel the connection they had started. He bent his head down and gently met his lips to hers. The gentle kiss became more needy, the embrace more intimate.

Reluctantly, John pulled away, knowing if they continued he wouldn't be able to stop..and he wanted things to be perfect and now was not that time. He knew without a doubt that he loved Teyla deeply and he also knew he needed things to be settled with his father for better or worse-before he could commit fully to pursuing a relationship with Teyla.

As the car came to the gated driveway, John drew a deep breathe and exhaled slowly. He hadnt been this nervous the first time stepping foot onto the Wraith hive ship. Teyla saw his nervousness and squeezed his hand, smiling. "Everything will be fine John, your brother extended his welcome and he said your father has been asking for you.

John nodded. Yeah, he hadn't spoken to David directly, which felt weird. John hadn't been able to talk to David about coming due to inconvenient gate scheduling, so he had relied on Jack to send word to his brother that he was on his way. Jack had said David was sincerely excited about John coming home. Man, he hoped so-or this was going to be more than awkward...

The car pulled up in front of the house. The house had been painted since he left and John liked the lighter feel of the light gray with white trim. John helped Teyla out of the car and she looked around in amazement. She couldn't believe that this was a house for a single family. The entire Athosian village would fit inside! She was surprised to see the adjacent field, green with grass. On New Athos, such a fertile field would be used for planting crops. John saw Teyla's awed looks and was embarrassed that what she saw was so decadent compared to what she was use to.

Before either could speak, they heard the front door open. John saw his brother step out and their eyes met for the first time in over fifteen years. Each stood stock-still as they took in the sight of the other. David had been 21 when the then 19 year-old John had slammed the door for the last time.

David took in the sight of John and was amazed that despite a harsher lifestyle than his own, John looked amazingly healthy, if not a little too thin, probably due to his recent injuries. He had always been jealous that John had the better looks and noted that maturity had enhanced every feature the girls had claimed were 'cute'. John was downright handsome. The pang of jealousy reared its ugly head once more, but only briefly as David reminded himself he was now a secure and mature male...

As David sized up John, John did the same of David. His brother had always favored their father's looks, but seeing David now, well-it was like looking at his father's clone! The distinquished businessman look fit David to a tee. He looked regal in his Ralph Lauren tailored suit. John felt so under dressed in his blue denim shirt and jeans.

Both smiled at the other at the same time. Both smiles turned to genuine grins as they closed the physical gap between them. Both extended their right hands for a handshake greeting. One pulled the other towards himself for an embrace that was fifteen years late. "Welcome home, John."

TBC John's home and so far so good... Hope you are liking the way the story is taking shape? Please let me know your thoughts! 


	27. Chapter 27

Sanctorium

Ch 27

John was taken aback by his brother's hug, he definitely had not expected such a display of emotion. As they separated, John felt awkward and it took him a moment to regroup. He turned to bring Teyla beside him. "Oh..ah...David, this is Teyla.

David's sight fell on one of the most exotically beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was petite, but there was such strength in her small frame. Her smile lit her face as he noticed her hand come up.

"Teyla, welcome! " He took her hand lightly and smiled. "It's a pleasure to meet you. You both must be tired. Come on in. Martha made a pitcher of ice tea and your favorite chocolate chip cookies, John.

"Martha's still here?" Martha had been their live-in caretaker/housekeeper since right after their mother had died. He had resented her at first, thinking she was trying to take the role no one would ever fill, but he had warmed to her quickly and she had become his confidante. He loved her like a grandmother and he had regretted not keeping in touch with her, at least.

"She lives with her sister in Chatham now. You know, she quit when you left. I found out she was looking for work again eight years ago and talked her into coming back. She did, part-time Monday, Wednesday and Friday. She'll be here tomorrow and she's so excited you decided to come home. Come on, lets go inside."

Jeff, the limo driver had opened the car trunk and was waiting for instruction as to where to put their bags. John went to help, though his muscles had stiffened during the journey and he was embarrassed when he had a hard time lifting even Teyla's smaller bag out.

"Its okay, sir. I've got them, its part of the service." Jeff said. John had learned during their drive that Jeff had been military at the SGC until he had been disabled during a mission offworld. He had opted out and now worked as a civilian contractor driving dignitaries and such, to and from Cheyenne Mountain in his private limosine.

John smiled gratefully and David showed them all into the house. Not sure what room arrangement John and Teyla needed, David figured he would ask John later, so no one was embarrassed. He had Jeff leave the bags in the foyer.

John reached for his wallet as he thanked Jeff for the ride. "No need, Colonel. It was my pleasure and my services were a gift from General O'Neill. John was surprised, but insisted on tipping Jeff for his excellent service. Jeff wouldn't take it and instead held his hand out for John to shake. John took the offered hand and thanked him. "Good luck, sir" Jeff said his goodbyes to Teyla and took his leave.

John took a deep breath. Here he was, now what? He turned to look back at Teyla, who smiled warmly. Only Teyla could calm his nerves with just that smile. He looked over at David and he felt at a loss at what to say or do, but there was one thing he needed to know before they got any further. "How's Dad?"

David ushered them into the living room. Once seated, David cleared his throat. "Dad's doing pretty well-considering. He's upstairs taking a nap. He tried to hold out for you to get here, but...he gets tired easily and is use to naps now." David shifted in his seat. "The doctor's are hopeful, he's come a long way. John, he's in a wheelchair and his speech was affected...his left side was affected. He goes to Physical therapy three days a week and has really come a long way. You know he's stubborn and a fighter."

John smiled sadly. "Yeah, I know about that.

Teyla felt the awkwardness and decided to interject. "Ah! Now I know who to blame for your own stubborness, John Sheppard! Is this not a family trait?"

John and David both chuckled. "Yeah, it definitely is a Sheppard trait. My wife says the same thing!" It took a minute for John to register what David had just said.

"Wait-you're married?"

David hadn't meant to tell John this way. He knew that despite the broken relationship, John would feel alienated when he learned that he hadnt been included in certain events over the last fifteen years, his wedding being one.

"Sorry, John...I married Lindsay Taylor a little over a year after you left. I wanted to contact you, but Dad refused to hear of it. I...I felt bad then and I still feel bad that you were excluded."

"Gee, David! If you really felt bad-you could have at least sent me a note-Dad didn't need to know!" John's temper flared and he knew he shouldnt be so angry, but he couldn't help it. "So you married Lindsay-Congratulations! Guess by now, I have a niece or nephew I don't know about , too!" He knew he was ranting, but couldnt stop himself.

Teyla grabbed John's arm and drew his attention towards her. "John, calm down. It has been a long while, many years have passed, many things have changed. But you are here now to be reacquainted with your family. Do not let what has happened in the interim, to cloud your reason for being here."

John stood, his nervous energy making him pace. He took a cleansing breath and let it out slowly. "Sorry...its just...I don't know-maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

David rose and grabbed both of John's arms with his hands. "This IS a good idea John, its been too long! Too many years have passed and we can't change what happened.

John was hurt and angry. What did he expect! Of course-life goes on, despite whatever tragedy happens-life goes on in its wake. People pick up the pieces and move forward. David had. His father had. And so had he. He shouldnt be mad at David...No-he was mad at the circumstances that left him with a span of fifteen years of missed family. He could blame his brother and his father, but he had to blame himself too. Damn the Sheppard stubborness!...Damn the Sheppard pride!

If nothing else, Pacil had shown him that it wasnt strictly his father's fault, that he had an active role in the events that lead to the big blowout. He was here to make amends. He needed to let it go, starting now. Long moments passed before John was able move on.

'Lindsay was a great girl...how'd you get her to marry your scrawny ass?" John smiled as he faced his brother.

"Hey, watch it! Lindsay loves my ass and it ain't so scrawny anymore! If I remember correctly, I could kick yours pretty well!" David jokingly challenged, glad John had let the tense moments pass. But he wasnt done telling John a bit more. He prayed he wasn't adding more salt to the opened wound.

David got serious again "John, there's more. I, ah...Lindsay and I do have two children, a boy and a girl. Jacob is nine and Kelsey is seven."

John was stunned. He mentally squashed the feelings of hurt for not being included, of not being told he had a nephew and a niece, again. "Wow, Dave! Kids! Wow! That's great-really great! I'm an uncle!"

"Yes, you are! And they can't wait to meet you!"

"You told them about me? They know you have a brother?"

"Of course, John...you might not have been around, but it wouldn't be right to deny them an uncle. Besides I always held out hope that we'd be together again. I just wish it hadnt taken so long...".David slapped John's back. "Now its your job to show them that you are a mere mortal! We, ah..they have this idea you're a super-hero military man!"

Teyla laughed "The children of my village also view John in this way! He has not been able to convince them otherwise...in fact, I would say many of the men under his command feel the same."

John smiled "All they need to do is watch me spar with you, Sweetie and my image will be in the toilet!" Looking over at David, he added "Sparring with Teyla keeps me humble. I haven't bested her yet!"

David was astounded that Teyla, then John had shared this bit of info and it didnt seem to bother John at all. He would have to get Teyla alone, to learn more about her and his brother!

TBC Some tense moments-they are bound to happen, right?. John's feeling the effects from being banished for such a long time. Seeting his dad is up next-wonder how that will go! 


	28. Chapter 28

Sanctorium

Ch 28 Breaking the Ice

David felt the vibration of the pager that was attached to his belt. His father was awake. "Dad's awake. I got this pager so if he needed me and I wasnt in shouting range then all he would have to do was hit the pager button." David smiled "You ready to meet the old man?"

John gulped as his nerves kicked in, his heart started beating faster. Geez, this was his father, not a damned Wraith Queen! Right at this moment though, John thought the latter would be easier to face.

He frowned "Yeah, I am...I just hope he's ready to meet me."

Teyla grabbed his hand, noting the flush spreading over John's cheeks. She had never seen him like this, he was alway calm and cool-even in the middle of a shoot out! She knew he wanted this, needed this. "John, it will be alright. He is your father, just talk to him. You do not have to try to solve all your differences right now. Pace yourself, and don't forget to listen, too."

John squeezed her hand and nodded. He looked at David, nodding again. David smiled and pat his younger, obviously nervous, brother on the shoulder. "We need this family united, bro...he really has been asking for you...it'll be alright John." David turned to leave "It will be 15-20 minutes, so go get yourselves a glass of ice tea-or a stiff drink if you need it." He smiled again and left the room.

"Oh, yeah...I could use a stiff drink right now." He held his hand out for Teyla and led her to the Billiard room which had a fully stocked bar-or had, fifteen years ago...

Some things never change and John was happy to see that the room hadn't changed one bit. The same richly panelled walls, same Brunswick antique pool table and the same fully stocked bar. John walked to the bar to scour the selections and smiled when he found a bottle of twenty year old Laphroaig whiskey. "Teyla, would you like a drink or ice tea?"

"I think I would like ice tea." Teyla said as she walked around the room mesmerized by the decor. "John, this room is so beautiful. What is this table for, I do not understand why it has holes, is this not for dining?" Her head was tilted sideways and her question was so innocent that John laughed. He poured his drink and joined her as she stood looking around. He drew her into his embrace and kissed her softly. "This is a billiard table, more commonly called a pool table...its a game using sticks to hit balls into the "holes" which are called pockets. Its quite a game of skill. While we are here I will teach you to play!" He sipped his drink and its warmth spread through him, calming his nerves.

"Let's go get your ice tea. Follow me." He took her hand and led her to the kitchen, where he poured her a tall glass of ice tea. He found the cookies and offered the tray to Teyla. "Martha always made the best chocolate chip cookies, here-would you like one?" Teyla took one and took a bite. She smiled "Yes, this cookie is very good, I can understand why you love them so!"

Her face grew pensive. "John?-After I am introduced to your father, I think it would be best if you two spend some time alone, without David or myself to distract you...but if you wish, I will stay."

John had assumed Teyla would be there, but maybe it was a good idea for him and his dad to have some time alone. He could have David show Teyla around the grounds, get to know each other.

"Thanks Teyla...I guess we have alot to talk about and maybe I need to do this alone. You sure you don't mind? I can have David show you around?"

"John, I think that would be lovely. Are you alright?"

Before he could answer, they heard the a bang. John spun around to find David trying to manuever the occupied wheelchair into the room. "Sorry, Dad! These darn doorways are sure narrow!"

John's eyes were drawn straight to those of his father and he stood there transfixed. His stomach did a flipflop and the memories of that last day flooded in. Damn! Not now, John! Don't clam up! You came here to fix things! John swallowed hard. Wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans, he felt himself move forward. It was only about ten steps, but it felt more like fifty as he stood before his father. He held out his hand "Hi Dad."

Patrick Sheppard had never been the nervous type, hell, he could count on one hand how many times he had acknowledge that he had been nervous. Well, this moment would certainly count for one. "Hello, son...Welcome home." He took John's offered hand and after a slight hesitation, he pulled his son down for an embrace that totally took John by surprise.

John felt the man shaking and he wondered if he was cold or if maybe, just maybe, his father was just as nervous as he was. He hoped it was nerves, otherwise he was really going to kick himself for his next move...He threw his arms around his father and held on tight. "Its good to be home."

Teyla wiped away tears of happiness...She had hoped that this would be the way. John had prepared her for the worst, warning her of his father's stoic presence, the sternness...She knew he had expected his father to be cold and unyielding...Perhaps the years had tempered his father's emotions.

As they broke their embrace, both men were quiet. David broke the ice "Well, you two have some catching up to do...I thought I'd take Teyla on a walk around the grounds."

John snapped out of his trance..."Ah, Dad-I want you to meet Teyla" He turned to Teyla, who joined him. She offered her hand and Patrick took it, smiling. "It is nice to meet you, Teyla. Welcome...please make yourself at home." His voice was deep and rich and sincere.

"Thankyou. Your home is beautiful, John has told me much about it."

David interrupted "And now, I will show you around." He winked at her as he held his elbow out for her to take. She kissed John on the cheek and looked him in the eye to make sure he was alright. John saw that look and smiled. "It's okay, Teyla...I'll see you in a little while."

TBC Phew! The first awkward moment is over! This is tough writing! How am I doing-am I dragging it out too much(Actually-more like stalling!)? LOL! Please review and let me know what you think...I promise..next chapter will be mostly about John and his dad...  
> <p>


	29. Chapter 29

Sanctorium

Ch 29 First Impressions

John watched Teyla go until he couldnt see her anymore. He turned back to his dad.

"She is a very beautiful woman, John. You always were a good judge of character, so I know her inner beauty matches, and most likely exceeds her outer beauty."

John smiled 'Teyla is an amazing woman, on both accounts...I'm glad she came with me, to meet you and David."

Patrick looked his son over. "You look good John. I was so worried when David told me he was contacted that you had been injured and were placed in a coma. It was hell not knowing how you were doing...then General O'Neill called to say you were on the mend. I can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that"...He smiled.."You've grown into a fine-looking man, but then you got your mom's good looks...and you're a Colonel now! Congratulations! After what happened in Afghanistan, I thought your military career was finished. I'm glad they gave you a second chance. Obviously you made the right choices this time, John. I'm really happy you are doing well...Are you happy?"

John cringed on the inside at the little jab about his "screw-up". He wanted to tell his father off for making assumptions about what happened in Afghanistan, but that little gem would have to wait. He was committed to making this visit work, so he would let it go. He found it interesting that he now knew his dad had been keeping tabs on him. He wondered if he did it to make sure he was alright or to find out how his career was going. He bet his father had been really smug when he learned about his demotion. He could practically hear Pacil telling him to let his inner demons go. He sighed.

"Yeah, I am happy. The work is pretty dangerous, but the base and the people there are top-notch. Also we get to meet alot of different cultures."

"Like Teyla?"

John smiled and confirmed "Like Teyla" He felt the conversation was drifting into dangerous waters so he decided to turn the direction of their conversation before it was too late. Keep it light and friendly, John.  
>"Dad, how are you doing? David said you're making great progress. He said you go to physical therapy three times a week. I, ah...need some physical therapy after my injury-maybe I can see about having it at the same place you are going."<p>

"My therapist's name is Gerald Stone and he's one of the best-David made sure of that. I'll have David call him in the morning to set up an appointment. Do you have your records with you?"

"No, but I can get them faxed right away, once we know where to have them sent to."

"I'd like that. I'm sure Gerry can help you...he's been tough on me, but it's been worth it.

John smiled "I have my own unofficial PT coordinators back home, who've been pushing me really hard too. No pain, no gain, right?"

Patrick chuckled "Yeah! Ah...Listen, John..."

At that moment David and Teyla came back in. Both wore smiles as they walked through the door but those smiles faded as they became apprehensive, both wondering if they had come back too early or at a bad time.

David spoke up first "I don't know about you two, but Teyla and I are hungry. It's almost five o'clock-how about I get the grill going and we can have some burgers and some chicken too. I can make a salad too..."

"That sounds good. I haven't had barbeque in -geez, I can't remember when! The thought of a juicy beef burger made his stomach growl loudly.

"John and I can help make the salad and set the table, David" Teyla offered quickly.

"Teyla, maybe the boys can do that. I was hoping to get to know you a little better. Maybe you could wheel me out to the patio where we can chat. Please? " Patrick asked kindly.

Teyla smiled, but was unsure. Looking over at John, he smiled. "Go ahead, Teyla...I think we can manage. You two go get acquainted."

As John watched Teyla manuever the wheelchair out the patio doors, he refilled Teyla's ice tea glass and then poured a glass for his dad. He took the ice teas out to them. "Be easy are her, Dad." He playfully warned as he leaned in to kiss Teyla quickly.

"Oh, John...I just want to get to know your girl...thats all!" Patrick had caught the warning wrapped nicely in his son's smile.

"Oh, it's not Teyla I'm worried about, Dad!" John smiled at Teyla, then more pointedly at his dad. He raised his eyebrows and Patrick could see the challenge in his son's eyes. John saw his message got through and the quizzical look on his father's face was priceless. Satisfied, John turned his attention on lighting the grill so it could preheat, then left to help David in the kitchen.

The sun was still shining brightly but a stand of tall trees shaded the section of patio where the table was located from the its direct rays and it was a bit cooler. The pool however was situated to get the sun's maximum exposure and the reflections off the water was mesmerizing. Teyla thought how beautiful the yard was, how lucky these people on Earth were to have such beautiful things. She wondered if, one day-when the Wraith were no longer a threat-if her people would come to know such luxuries.

Patrick saw the lines of deep thought that played on Teyla's face as she looked over the backyard. He was reluctant to tear her from her thoughts and chose instead to just observe her for a few minutes. She was quite lovely. From the brief few moments with her, he had already deduced that she was a strong proud women. His first impressions never failed him, in his business and in social settings-being able to read people was a gift he used wisely.

He watched the ranges of emotion from awe to contentment to resignation, before he felt inclined to interrupt her musings. "I'm guessing from the look on your face that you aren't use to this type of place.

Teyla smiled slightly. "This is quite beautiful...I have never seen water contained so...John has shown me many movies, some showing such things...but to see it firsthand is quite...impressive." She turned towards him and smiled. "My people do not enjoy such things, but even with the threat we live under, there are measures of peace and contentment. We cherish these times deeply. Because of John and his men, our lives have been graced with much improvements that make our lives easier and perhaps more carefree."

Patrick picked up on John's involvement with Teyla and her people. "So...John and the military have helped to make your home safer? They have made a difference?"

"The threat we live under is a constant burden, never knowing when attacks will come weighs heavily on the soul. While the threat is still present, knowing that John and his men are there to help us, if need be, has lifted a heavy weight from our daily lives. We are indebted to Atl...we are indebted to John and his people and all those on the base for their assistance." Teyla had caught herself. How easy it was to slip scared her and she knew she would need to be diligent to keep this information secret, even from John's father.

Patrick let Teyla's little slip go, he would never try to trick her into telling him anything John would consider classified. He respected the need for secrecy, even if he didnt agree with some aspects of it. "Can you tell me how you met John?" Maybe he'd learn a little more unclassified information about his son through Teyla, because he knew that John had never liked talking about himself before..and he doubted that had changed.

"John was among a group of soldiers that came to my village initally seeking trade. At that time, he was not in charge, but his commanding officer was not...approachable. I fear if John had not stepped in, our relationship with them would be quite different ...or nonexistent." She knew Patrick wanted to know more about his son and in this, she was more than willing to provide him with facts.

" Where Colonel Sumner failed in his meeting to impress my people, John stepped in and succeeded. Your son is very charming and engaging, Mr Sheppard." A bright smile played on her face. "He won my people over with his respect and willingness to see them as equals. In return, he-and he alone- earned the respect and trust that allowed our peoples to eventually meet to gain mutual respect and trust on a wider scale."

"John earned your own respect and trust that day, didnt he..." Patrick sensed that Teyla had perhaps had more of a stake in their initial meeting.

She smiled. She now knew where John got his deductive reasoning. "Yes...I am leader of my people. And I do not take that lightly. I trusted that John represented a better picture of the whole of his people...and I found his sincerity and honesty most unique and so, trusted my instincts to seek further contact...however, our enemy interrupted that first meeting with an attack. Colonel Sumner, along with a few of his men, some of my people and myself were captured and taken to the enemy base."

She grew pensive as she remembered that day. "John had to convince his base leader that a rescue mission was feasible. Needless to say, his mission proved...to all but John... successful, though two lives were lost. John holds himself responsible to this day, for the loss of one of my people and that of Colonel Sumner and considers the rescue mission a failure."

"John thinks the mission was a failure-yeah, that sounds like John. He was always hard on himself, but I think I'm partly to blame for that. As a military man, he surely knows there may be casualties in any conflict!"

"John knows this, he is a very intelligent man. Of course he knows casualties are sometimes unavoidable. John takes the lives of each of his men and those of innocents as his personal responsibility. I believe that is why he is so loved and respected by his men and by those he protects. We all know he is personally invested in each one of us. Unfortunately, when even one is lost-he takes it as a personal failure. Wrong as that might be, that is who John is..."

This information about his son bore heavily on his conscience. He was extremely proud realizing the strong caliber of man his son had become, actually-had always been...John had always fought for what he believed was right. He had never backed down, ever, when he thought what he believed was right.

Since his stroke, Patrick had spent alot of time thinking about his estranged son, the one he had banished from his own family. He had realized how wrong he was to have expected John to bow to his demands to do his bidding. Every single fight along their turbulent way was about him expecting John to act a certain way, to be what He expected him to be, to do what He had expected him to do. He knew he had been really tough on John, maybe too tough. Of course, John being who John was, had rebelled and fought tooth and nail not to bend to his wishes or curtail his own dreams and aspirations. He grudgingly had admired John for standing up to him, though he had never admitted it to anyone. But maybe, now-he would tell John.

Patrick felt he was finally starting to understand his youngest son. It had taken Teyla's account to confirm what Patrick really had known all along. Why had it taken him all these years to finally admit that John had a strength of character as strong, if not stronger, than his own. That despite his own plans for his son, John had been born to follow a different path, to protect and serve and to use his determination and skills for the betterment of others.

Patrick mused, if only John had been interested in the business! What a dynamic asset he would have been! David was great and had made him proud, no doubts about that, but he had always aimed to please...he had never really had that blinding drive behind his actions. However, John had always possessed the inexhaustible drive and passion that superceded everything. He had always stayed true to himself and for that-Patrick had the utmost respect. Now he just had to find the right time to tell his son that, and more...

TBC Ugh! These chapters are eluding me and I'm sorry you had to wait so long for an update...I'm not finished yet and vow to complete this story-so bare with me! Thanks so much to you all who have stayed around! Thanks especially to Joaniexjony for all your help! I want to thank you all for the great reviews and please dont stop! It really, really helps!


	30. Chapter 30

Sanctorium

Chapter 30 Home Again

John hadnt eaten so much in one sitting in a long time. The burgers were excellent. His father had longingly eyed the burgers, but was ultimately happy with his grilled chicken. John had felt obligated to rid the platter of the last burger and he smiled when his dad frowned.

"Sorry, Dad...don't want you to be tempted!"

Patrick gave his son a fake pout. "I sure miss red meat! Grilled burgers in particular! Luckily I like chicken though, so I'm not complaining too much..."

"Oh, yeah-you are! Everytime we have something you can't, you pout! David laughed.  
>"I practically hide when I eat Oreos!"<p>

"Oreos! The best cookies ever, except of course, Martha's chocolate chip cookies!" John said. "We get them on base once in awhile...never enough though! I'll have to take back a suitcase full of just Oreos! Remember all the different ways we use to eat them, Dave? I still like to pop the whole cookie in my mouth and then sip some milk and wait til its mushy then chew."

David laughed "At least your mouth is bigger, so maybe the cookie slime stays in your mouth now!" Looking at Teyla, he explained "When John was little, he'd shove the whole cookie in and it was too big for his mouth and would leak out. By the time he was done, his face was covered!"

"Then I'd run after Dave and wipe my face on his shirt!" John chuckled proudly as he remembered Dave running away from him screaming. "He whined like a little girl!"

"Hey, I did not whine like a girl!"

Teyla pretended offense "Hey, watch it-boys! In my experience, girls do not "whine" half as much as boys! Besides, I like my Oreo cookies much more sophisticated."

John choked a laugh "Ha! She twists them apart, scrapes the cream off with her tongue then puts the cookie wafers in a dish and drowns them in milk, then uses a spoon to mash them up!"

"Then, I use the spoon, most ladylike to savor the chocolate cookie milk mash." Teyla feinted a prim and proper pose, which had all three men smiling.

"I like this girl, John!" Patrick truly was so happy that John had found a woman who easily filled the void he must have felt not having his family here. He was saddened, but he also knew he would not let John leave without making amends. On a happier note, he was more than happy to admit that Teyla was extraordinary.

The evening passed with the Sheppard men regaling stories from happier times. Teyla was entertained with story after story of David and John's adventures together and separately. She was happy to note that there were plenty, though from what John had said the happy times were punctuated with rough times that had no reason to be remembered right now. She loved the easy banter between the three and she absolutely loved hearing about John as a young boy.

"I would love to see photographs of John when he was younger. Do you have some pictures?" Teyla had wondered what her handsome man had looked like in his youth.

"Ahhh-the photo albums...da, da, da, dum! Pull them out and we'll be here til next week! Let's save that for rainy day, shall we? John quipped. "It's getting late and we were up pretty early. I think I'm ready to crash...How about you Teyla?

Teyla was tired, now that John mentioned it. "Yes, I believe that I am tired also. But I have loved hearing stories from your younger years. Thankyou for sharing your stories." She nodded her thanks and smiled widely. "I look forward to more, perhaps?"

John and Teyla helped to clear the table while David wheeled Patrick back into the house. They had used paper plates so the cleanup was quick.  
>"Well, I'll see you two in the morning. John, I go to therapy at 11 o'clock, but I'll have David call Gerry before that...Do you think you can have your records faxed before my appointment, then maybe you can drive us and you can meet Gerry?<p>

"I'm not cleared to drive yet, Dad...but I'd really like to get my PT set up and going as soon as possible. Colonel O'Neill wants a progress report in a week and I want to be back to duty-ready by then."

David piped up. "Lindsay will be back with the kids early, so she can drive you guys. While you guys are at the rehab, she's looking forward to getting to know Teyla and has already planned a shopping trip to the mall. Get that credit card ready, bro!"

John chuckled, though he knew Teyla was not the kind to want in excess, he knew she needed more clothes for her time here and Lindsay was cool and would help her pick out things she needed and he was sure, some things she really didnt need, too!

Patrick was watching John. He sure was a handsome guy. He had Katherine's dark Irish looks and her hazel eyes that turned green or light brown. Windows to the soul, Katherine had said. John was tall and lean, muscular but not overly so. At thirty six, John was in amazing shape. Both his boys had always been athletic and had their mother's tendency to be trim. He, himself, had always had to be two steps ahead of the extra twenty pounds that threatened to make him their permanent home.

"Good night, John, Teyla...See you in the morning. I'm so happy to have you home, son."

"Goodnight, Dad. And, its really good to be home."

David remembered that he hadnt asked them where they wanted to sleep. "John, take whatever rooms you need."

John hadnt really given their sleeping arrangement much thought-well, he had really... but his relationship was "new" with Teyla and he wanted things to move ahead, steady and strong. He didnt want to rush things and wasnt even sure how Teyla felt. He was a man and would like nothing better than to show Teyla how much he wanted her, but he knew sometimes women were more cautious. He wasnt about to mess this up.

"Teyla can have the guest bedroom down here and I'll sleep on the couch." John wasnt really thrilled about that, but he knew that the bedrooms upstairs were most likely all being used by David and his family. He knew from David, that his father was in the big bonus room over the garage that they had converted to another master suite.

"Nonsense, John...Jacob's in your old room and he has bunk beds. If you dont mind sleeping on the bottom bunk, I know Jacob will be thrilled to have a roommate!"

John didn't think twice. "Sure, that would be nice. My back would appreciate that-alot!"

That settled, John stood back helplessly while David got his father in the stair chair lift he had had installed. David folded the wheelchair and watched as the chair lift headed up. "John can see you settled Teyla. Good to have you both here. I'll just get Dad settled, then I'm off to bed, too. Good Night"  
>They both said goodnight and then John showed Teyla to the guest room, taking her bag along. He winced with the extra weight. "John, I was thinking you would join me in our sleeping arrangement." She looked disappointed and he was so close to caving. "We'll get there Teyla, but let's not rush things. This is new to both of us and I don't want to mess it up...I want to court you like I would if I had just met you. I never liked rushing into a physical relationship-not with someone I truly cared for anyway."<p>

He brought her in close and gently kissed her. Taking in her scent and the heat of her body so close to his. Their embrace and intimacy increased until he was close to not being able to control the growing swell of emotion, both mentally and physically, that her closeness caused. No, he would take his time and prove his love slowly, so the full intensity of his feelings didnt scare her away.

Reluctantly, he pulled away and growled his dismay. " See you in the morning."

She smiled sweetly, knowing he was having a hard time controlling his "emotions." She also was frustrated, but also did not want to rush things. She was still in awe that they both had withheld their feelings for one another for so long. This newness of being able to show her true feelings, as strong as they were, would need to be controlled. She didnt want to scare the poor man away! 'Goodnight, John."

Lindsay and the kids had stayed with her parents so that David and his father could welcome John back more discreetly. There was bound to be awkwardness, on both sides and she figured that a private welcome would be best. David had been upset that she might have felt displaced, but she truly felt these three men needed time alone. They certainly didnt need her sitting on pins and needles, plus two clueless kids to upset the delicate reunion. She felt bad for John's friend Teyla. She hoped that John had prepared her.

Early risers, at 6:00 AM, the kids had woken and begged her to go home to see the uncle they had only heard of. They had been antsy ever since David had told them that their Uncle John was coming back for a visit. She had been upset that her parents would be hurt, but instead, they encouraged her to take the kids back whenever she felt ready. They had known John the few times when he had come around with David and they genuinely liked the young man. When Lindsay and David had gotten married, they realized the full extent of the banishment that Patrick had in place when he refused to allow David to contact his estranged brother. They had felt bad, knowing how badly David wanted to contact his brother, at the same time unwilling to go against his father's wishes. They liked Patrick well enough, he was an honest and decent man, but his stubborness and one-sided views had caused them to walk lightly where Patrick Sheppard was concerned.

Lindsay had called David to find out how the reunion went and was relieved to hear all was well. She only hoped it would remain so. She loved Patrick like a father, but his stubbornness was legendary. She thanked the gods that David had a milder form of the Sheppard trait that wqs known to be quite volatile. She had noticed early on, that John always seemed to get the brunt of Patrick's wrath, though she also had to admit that John seemed to take pleasure in working his father into a frenzy.

Exhausted and tired from the time change, John's body clock was skewed. He was still asleep in the bunk bed, when his nephew came bounding to the room. Slow on the uptake, he flipped his body over to see who was making all the noise. Opening one eye, his view took in a smile with child-sized teeth sans one front tooth.

"He's awake!" the young boy yelled to whoever.

"I am now!" John quipped, grabbing ahold of his nephew and bringing him in for a hug and a whole lot of tickles. The boy squirmed with delight, unfazed that his uncle was virtually a stranger. David had made sure that both his children knew of John and had seen all the pictures of their dad and their uncle growing up.

Lindsay knock on the door before entering. John was in a Tshirt and sleep pants so didnt feel too exposed. He leaped out of the bed and crossed the room to hug his sister-in-law tightly. "Welcome home, John...its been way too long...I'm sorry we didnt..."

John held up his hand to stop her. "First, thanks...its good to be home. Second, congratulations for marrying David." He closed one sleepy eye and grimaced. "You sure you wanted to get mixed up in this crazy family?"

"Its a little late now, huh?" She mused. "Besides, these two rugrats wouldnt be, and that just wouldnt do!"

"Two? I only see one!" John had noticed the little girl standing quietly behind her mother. "Oh, wait! Here's the other one! You must be Kelsey?" John squatted down to be at his niece's level. He sensed her shyness and took it slow. Holding out his hand, he greeted her "Hi, I'm your Uncle John, your daddy's brother. Like Jacob is your brother."

"I know that!" Daddy shows us pictures of you alot!" She giggled. "You're alot older now!"

He laughed "I guess I am!" Do I still kind of look like the guy in those pictures?"

"I think so...I got pictures of me when I was a baby, but I'm a big girl now and don't look like a baby anymore." Kelsey was warming quickly to her newfound uncle.  
>"Do you want to see the pictures?<p>

"Um, maybe in a little bit, okay? I need to freshen up and then maybe Mommy will make us breakfast? Or, did you guys eat already?"

"I was going to make some french toast. David wanted to know if you wanted to join him on a run."

"I'll skip it today. Gotta introduce you to my girl yet. I wonder if Teyla is awake yet."  
>He pondered. Lindsay added "God Bless her if she could sleep through these two barreling through the house, looking for you!<p>

Kelsey smiled "Jacob is the noisy one. I'm a good girl."

"I bet you are!" John grinned. Kelsey had drifted closer to her uncle. I'm not ticklish like Jacob." She challenged him and he accepted the challenge.

Gently grabbing the little girl, he lifted her and crossed the room to the bed which Jacob still occupied. "I'll just have to see if you are telling me the truth!" John started tickling the little girl gently, but soon realized that she wasnt as shy as he thought she was. Within minutes, both kids were jumping all over their uncle, squealing and giggling with delight as he tried to capture them to tickle them further.

Lindsay was warmed by the scene, glad that her children had taken to their uncle so quickly. But she mused, John was like that. Everyone had always liked John, well, mostly. She did remember a few boys who gave him trouble. Mostly because their girlfriends always oogled over a clueless John. She remembered how mad David had gotten when she acknowledged her appreciation of John's good looks. He sure had gone from really cute to really hot! She envied Teyla-well-maybe a little, afterall, she had her own Sheppard man and she loved David like crazy!

Thinking of the lucky girl who had captured her brother-in-law's heart, she interrupted the fun. "John, if Teyla slept through that, she deserves an award! I want to meet this girl and warn her about all the Sheppard traits to watch out for! The poor girl probably has no clue!"

Teyla had heard the excitement and had decided to find out for herself what was going on. She had stood back, watching Lindsay watch her children interact with their uncle." The smile that lit the mother's face was endearing enough for Teyla to quickly decide she wanted to get to know her better. She laughed to herself when she heard Lindsay wanting to warn her and took that moment to step up.

"Oh, I know only too well about a few of the Sheppard traits, but I'm sure I have not encountered them all yet, so I will need your guidance! Hello, I am Teyla." Teyla held her hand out and Lindsay laughed as she warmly accepted Teyla's hand with her own.

"Hi, I'm Lindsay, David's better half and these are our two adorable, well-behaved and reserved children, Jacob and Kelsey." Both children were crawling over John, but stopped when they heard their names.

"Hi, I'm Jacob!" the small boy grinned.

"And I'm Kelsey! the little girl giggled as she squirmed around to sit in the well of her uncle's crossed legs.

Teyla smiled warmly. "It is nice to meet you, Jacob and Kelsey...I see that you have made sure your uncle is awake. You know, I think he would love to have you wake him every morning in just this way!" Her eyes met John's and his smile was infectious. She loved to see him so animated with his family.

Before the kids could launch another attack on John, Lindsay ordered them out of the room so that everyone could start to get ready for the day. "Breakfast in a half hour. It's really nice to meet you Teyla. I look forward to getting to know you better. I was hoping we could spend some time together while Dad and John are at the rehab. Would you like that?"

"I would like that very much, Lindsay. Perhaps you can help me find some new outfits for our stay here. I'm afraid my wardrobe is lacking in appropriate clothing for our stay." Teyla already could tell Lindsay was going to be easy to get to know and she would be a great help in finding suitable clothing.

"It's a date, then! John, you can use the upstairs shower and Teyla there is a full bathroom downstairs for you to use. I'll get you some towels. Dad is already up and waiting for breakfast. He's out on the patio reading the newspaper, David will probably go running while I cook breakfast. See you in a few!"

With that, she was gone. John pulled Teyla down onto the bed as he made room for her. Her robe spilled open to reveal a rather sexy looking Athosian style nitegown. John was instantly aroused and drew Teyla into a very intimate embrace, his hands roaming.

Lindsay came back into the room then with the promised towels. "Ahhhh...sorry...here are the towels...I'll...just leave them here... Embarrassed, she exited the room before the surprised couple had time to be embarrassed themselves.

"Guess I need to go take a cold shower now!" John groaned. He kissed Teyla again and smiled... "We're going to have to find a more private place." She nodded as she returned his kiss, then reluctantly moved to rise from the bed. She held her hand out to John and once standing, she kissed him again deeply, then trailing her hand down his chest, she vamped. "I believe I am in need of a cold shower also."

After breakfast, David called Gerry the physical therapist to set up an appointment. Luckily, Gerry said he could see John while their dad was having his PT session as once he had Patrick going, he could have his assistant keep an eye on him while he talked to John. He asked for John to have his records faxed as soon as possible so he could review them before they met.

John immediately called to have his records faxed. He had read the cover story they were using to explain his injuries and muscle weakness, and was sure that everything was in place. Carson and Ronon had put him well on his way to recovering his muscle tone, so he was hoping another week of PT would be good.

TBC figure things will be okay, at least for the first few days, everyone's onbest behavior...hoping John and his dad can be civil when they have their heart to heart talk...be patient-not quite there yet...dont want to spoil the mood! even I'm not sure at this point how it will go! 


	31. Chapter 31

Sanctorium

Ch 31 Reconnecting

Lindsay drove John and his dad to the rehab center. She and Teyla were heading off to the mall to do some shopping while they were at rehab. John was happy that Lindsay and Teyla had hit it off so easily, he knew they would.

With introductions made, Gerry took Patrick into the PT area to get him started. His assistant would work with him while Gerry met with John to review what his PT program would consist of.

"Well, John...looks like you're in pretty good shape to begin with. We just need to get you on a program to build up your muscle mass abit and get your strength back. To be honest, I wasn't expecting you to be in such good condition! From your records, it looks like you had a rough couple of weeks."

"Yeah, it was rough, but I've had some pretty intense PT back home to help me along. I was hoping another week and I'll be back to 100 percent. I'm a little concerned about my reflexes though." John could see Gerry thinking.

"We'll include reflex training in with your PT. Actually your PT will be close to what a stroke victim would follow. Obviously you're not that bad off and need more weight training, but the reflex training is the same. You can even start today and join your dad for that. In the meantime, I'll need to evaluate you to personalize your rehab."

John followed Gerry out to the PT gym. He found his dad doing some weight training. "How's he doing, Gerry? He's actually better than what I was expecting too."

"Your dad has come along way. He's worked really hard. I've never heard him complain that he couldnt do whatever was asked of him. His stroke was moderate, he was treated quickly which is a big plus. Actually I'll be evaluating him also to see if he's ready to start using a walker."

"That's great, really great. He'll be happy to get out of that wheelchair for sure."  
>John watched his dad for a few minutes, then Gerry put him through the promised evaluation, which was pretty intense.<p>

John called Teyla and told her that because of the evaluations, his dad and he would need another hour. Teyla and Lindsay were having so much fun shopping, Teyla had welcomed the extra hour as they had many more stores to visit!

The hour went by quickly and once done with Gerry about his therapy game plan, John wheeled his dad out to the courtyard so they could wait for the girls while enjoying some fresh air and sunshine. His dad was in a good mood, having learned his progress had included starting to use a walker. He had done well with it in therapy today. Using the walker would give him more freedom, but Gerry had warned him to be patient and not overdue.

For several minutes, father and son sat in silence, enjoying the warm sun. Patrick broke the silence first.

"John, I can't tell you how happy I am to have you back home. So many times I wanted to get in touch with you to say I was sorry for all I said that horrible day. I really blew it that day. I let my anger get the best of me. You and I had been at odds for so long..."

"Dad, I... " Patrick interrupted. "John, I know this isnt the time or place for this talk, but I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you and words will never express how sorry I am for the years lost between us. It took me too long to realize that I was less than an ideal father to you while your mom was sick and after she passed..."

John had been looking down, following an ant making its way down the walk. He looked up to see tears welled in his dad's eyes. Shocked by the display of emotion his father showed, he was at a loss of what to say or do. Luckily, he heard Teyla calling from the car he had just heard pull up. The awkward moment was broken and John felt like the least he could do was show his dad some kind of reassurance. He reached over and squeezed his dad's arm gently as he rose from the bench.

"Looks like the girls did quite alot of shopping! Hope there's room for you and me in the back seat!" Patrick shook his head and laughed.

John had said this loud enough, so that Teyla heard. She grinned widely, knowing he was pleased she had bonded with Lindsay and gotten some much needed shopping done. Both her and Lindsay stepped out of the car to rearrange the shopping bags in the back seat so that there was room for them to sit.

Once Patrick was situated, the wheelchair and new walker stored-John took Teyla into his embrace, giving her a long easy kiss. He was thrilled to see Teyla so happy and after his father's apology, John was feeling pretty darn good. Teyla laughed with joy at seeing John relaxed and happy. Perhaps this trip would be healing for everyone.

They stopped for a couple of pizzas and a large antipasto salad to take home. David had called Lindsay and had decided to leave early from work, so he was on his way home too. They would eat an early dinner and then spend time in the pool with the kids.

The pizza and salad all gone, the kids started to pester their Uncle John to go in the pool. Both had already donned their bathing suits and were pulling on his arm to hurry him along.

"Come on, Uncle John and Teyla! I want to show you my diving!" Jacob was the more insistent one and John had to smile. Kelsey chimed in with her own demand. "I want to show you my swimming!"

He had to admit that he was really happy the kids had accepted him so quickly. He guessed he needed to thank Dave and Lindsay for telling them about him though he had been absent their whole lives thus far. He vowed to make up for lost time..

He let the kids drag him out of the chair and then held his hand out to Teyla. "Looks like we are in demand...come on, let's get our suits on and take the kids out."

Teyla looked unsure, she did not want to leave Lindsay with the cleanup of the kitchen. Lindsay saw her dilemma and assured her that the cleanup would be quick and easy. She then hinted discreetly that if John and her kept the kids busy, then she and Dave could have some "alone" time.

Teyla blushed, but smiled. She wondered what John would say when he saw her in the new bathing suit Lindsay had called a bikini...Teyla was used to showing off her midriff, but this bikini left little to the imagination. She was not the shy kind, but was afraid to appear indecent among John's family. Lindsay had assured her that this bikini was acceptable swimming attire.

John was changed in record time. He was glad he had been working out with Ronon before leaving to come back. At least he looked fit, even if he didnt completely feel it. He had lost a bit of weight and muscle tone, but his PT with Ronon really helped him get back a good amount of muscle mass...he smiled when he thought about the hard time he had given Ronon-and Ronon giving it right back to him! He missed his friends and Atlantis, but this trip was so important, in so many ways.

John came down and saw Teyla's door still closed. He resisted the temptation to steal inside. Instead he smiled, thankful that she had come along with him. He would definitely need to repay her...his smile increased at the ways he would show her his gratitude. Before he got all hot and bothered, he turned and walked back to the kitchen. Lindsay was just finishing cleaning up and Dave had taken their dad out so he could watch. He kissed Lindsay on the cheek, thanking her for looking out for Teyla.

"Teyla is delightful, John...we had so much fun shopping! I have to say I hate her though", as she smiled, "Everything that woman tried on, looked amazing on her! " She laughed and John smiled at the slight jealousy she revealed.

"Teyla works out everyday. She spars with the Marines and more often than not, she wins! I have to admit, but don't tell Dave, I've never won!"

Lindsay was amazed and she smiled. "Aah, John, but you have won! I see the way she looks at you and you at her. I wish you both the very best!" She kissed his cheek and gave him a hug. "I'm going to go find my man, we'll see you in a bit" She said this as she wiggled her eyebrows. John laughed and told her to take their time.

As he turned to head out, he saw Teyla appear in the doorway. His mouth fell open at the sight of her amazing body clad only in a skimpy flowered bikini. How did she manage to appear so fit and strong, but soft and very feminine at the same time! Her feminine curves called out for his touch. His libido soared and he had to think past what he was viewing before he would embarrass himself.

There was no doubt what John thought about her in this bikini. Teyla blushed slightly but felt extremely attracted to the man that held her view. His trim, lean physique was well muscled despite his recent determent. Seeing John in a bathing suit, bare chested was quite a lovely sight and she found herself wishing they were further along in their relationship.

He dare not embrace her, though the urge to do so was like an ache from deep inside. The kids were waiting and their parents were hoping for some alone time too. He swallowed hard and reached for her hand.  
>"Aww, Teyla...you look amazing! The kids are waiting for us and I think it would be a good idea if I cooled myself off a bit in the pool!" He blew out a breath and smiled sweetly. She grabbed his hand, silently agreeing that she too needed to cool down.<p>

The kids yelped with pleasure when they saw them step out onto the patio. John felt it necessary to dive quickly into the pool and when he popped up between his niece and nephew, they both giggled with glee.

TBC Well, finally a new chapter...sorry to those of you awaiting more! I've had a personal health issue that I am now recovering from, so hopefully I will have time for my muse to come through! I havent given up on this story and promise to continue til its finished. Thanks for all your kind words and reviews. I try to answer each review personally but those from the last chapter were lost in the email limbo somewhere. SO I will have to thank each of you now for reviewing and sticking with this story! I can't believe I will now be onto chapter 32! I never imagined this story to be so long!  
>Again, please let me know what you think, I really appreciate all your comments!<br>Be Well, Lin


	32. Chapter 32

Sanctorium chapter 32

A tickle on his cheek demanded attention and reflexively John swatted his hand across his face in a slumbered response. A muffled giggle alerted his fogged mind that someone else was nearby. Without opening his eyes, he pretended to settle back into sleep while in reality he woke further. Trying not to smile, John mumbled and turned over, hoping his actions would make his nephew draw closer. John listened carefully so he could pinpoint where he was. Another muffled giggle told John exactly where his mischievous nephew was and in one quick move, John snatched out and grabbed his nephew and drew him in for the tickle monster to take revenge.

Jacob was all giggles and laughs as his uncle located every ticklish spot that made him laugh uncontrollably. His giggles had been loud enough for reinforcements to show up.  
>Now it was two against one! But two were no match for the Great Tickle Monster and in no time, he had his prey begging for mercy!<p>

All the commotion had Dave and Lindsay enjoying the scene from the doorway. Both smiled at the antics that made them both glad they had never kept John's existence from their children. It was satisfying to see their kids and their uncle enjoying their time together. Both kids had bonded completely with their uncle and with Teyla also.

Gasping for breath, though still giggling, Jacob lay next to his uncle while Kelsey had jumped on John to smother him with a huge hug and kiss on the cheek. "I love you Uncle John!"

That one sentence melted John's heart and he knew whatever else happened during this trip home to his family...this moment made it all worthwhile. He smiled and gave her squeeze and a kiss. 'I love you too!" adding Jacob in with a ruffle to his nephew's hair.

Lindsay broke up the party by announcing breakfast would be ready in twenty minutes with her expectations that both children be dressed and ready in that time. John saw the joy in her eyes and was humbled. Dave came into the room. "Okay you guys! Now that Uncle John is fully awake, I believe Teyla may still be asleep?"

Two little heads popped up and impish grins lit their faces. As they bolted from the room, thier dad warned "Knock first!"

John looked up at Dave and grinned. "Oh, Teyla's going to love you!" He rose from the bed. "They really are great kids, Dave...I'm sorry I wasnt around before this..."

"Wasnt your fault, John. Besides, you really have a great way with them." Dave grew serious. "It really is great to have you back John. I have to admit I thought it wouldnt be quite this easy!" He looked John in the eyes with a measured degree of skepticism.  
>"I know you havent really had the time to talk with Dad, but are you planning on a serious talk?"<p>

"I know I should Dave, but its been going good so far and I'm tempted just to let things lay. Why upset the apple cart, you know?" John winced.

"That is tempting, but you came here to clear the air and not dealing with it won't be good for either of you in the long run." David warned.

"I know, I know...guess the timing hasnt been right yet, though Dad did tell me he was happy to have me home-which, since he was talking to me-was a great big step" John had really been surprised at the emotion his dad had displayed yesterday. He hadn't felt love like that from his dad in a really long time.

"Well, John...he has had lots of time to think since he hasnt been involved with work. I think he truly got scared that he wouldnt recover and he realized he had to fix some things in his life he hasnt been proud of for a very long time-mainly that's how he treated you. I know he wasnt happy with you when you left, but I honestly know he has always loved you. In his mind, what he wanted for you was the best and you snubbed it all. We both know he's a stubborn, driven man who always thinks he's right."

John just shook his head. "I know that...I knew that then, too. It didnt make it any easier when he told me to leave." John's good mood faded abruptly as he remembered the shock and devastating hurt his father kicking him out caused. He had wanted to beg forgiveness, but his own stubborness swallowed every emotion he had and he had left, looking back once and then- only to vow he'd never return.

Now he was back and he had to admit that it felt pretty damned good and best of all it felt right, like he belonged. This was right and Pacil had shown him that he needed to deal with what had happened so he could move forward.

David was watching John's face as he retreated inside. He cursed himself for ruining John's good mood. He cursed himself for not being the big brother John had needed and for not being stronger to do what was right and stand up for John. He and John were so different. While he had been the one to try and please his dad at every turn, John had always followed his own heart and mind despite how their father would react.  
>Long ago, Dave had had a reality check and realized he liked being the favored son, doing what was expected. He had actually been pleased when John and their dad fought, though the banishment had shocked and made him sick to think that John would never return. He owed John his own apologies.<p>

Both brothers were pulled from their thoughts as Jacob came running in announcing that breakfast was ready. He saw the sadness in both his father's and his uncle's eyes. He stood in the room, not sure what to do, but he knew something was really wrong. His nervousness made him run to his father and he wrapped his arms around his father, afraid of what had happened.

"Hey, Hey buddy..." David knew instantly that Jacob had picked up on their moods. He was more like John personality-wise. "It's okay! Uncle John and I were just talking about...your Grandma and how much we miss her." He hated lying to his son, but his children would never know about their uncle's ordeal if he could help it. Both kids knew about their grandmother as well as they knew about their uncle.

John came out of his funk quickly when he realized the dark mood was affecting his nephew. "It's okay to be sad when you miss someone so badly, Jacob. Your grandmother was an extraordinary mom and though its sad she isnt here, we have so many great memories, too."

Glad that John had taken the lead, he knelt to hug his son tight. "Yeah, did I ever tell you about the time that Uncle John asked your Grandma for a box. He was so excited and told her he had a big surprise. He ran out with the box and came back a little while latter struggling to hold the box straight, all proud that he had saved a bunch of puppies. Only when Grandma looked in the box, it was full of skunk kittens that were old enough to spray! Grandma got a faceful and the house stunk for a week!

John started laughing! It took a few seconds for Jacob to start laughing too! "Eww! Uncle John! Skunks smell really bad!"

"Yeah, they do...but they're really, really cute! They cant help it they smell so bad!" John continued to laugh as he grabbed his nephew and swung him up to sit on his shoulders. "Come on, I'm hungry! Did you wake up Teyla?"

"Yup! Uncle John, Teyla told me a secret, but I cant tell you!"

"Oh, she did huh! Wanna give me some hints?" John was truly curious at what kind of secret Teyla would trust Jacob with.

Jacob smiled and shook his head "Nope, can't tell you, but its really good." Before John could ask anymore, Jacob rushed out of the room "Come on, breakfast is ready!"

TBC Well another chapter-kind of generic but I wanted to solidify John bonding with his family again. Thanks so much for reading! Lin


	33. Chapter 33

Sanctorium

Chapter 33

John finished his 5th lap in the pool. His muscles had been really tight after the intense PT he had been enduring the last few days. But it was all worth it. John felt strong again and his reflexes were quick and easy. He chuckled when he thought about enlisting his nephew and niece in various games on their Wii. Both had made sure they picked games that were physically challenging so they could help their uncle. He had been blown away at how good they were at the games! Jacob had flat out beaten him in tennis and basketball and was very proud of his victories.

John sat alone by the pool, enjoying a bit of peace and quiet. By nature, he was use to being a loner-a solitary man. Since going to Atlantis though, he had to admit he loved being in the company of his team mates. He found he didnt enjoy alone time much anymore, though occasionally he still needed his space. Things would be different there now too, as his relationship with Teyla grew, so did his need to have her by his side. He was contemplating his need for Teyla when he heard the patio door slide open.

Expecting Teyla to appear through the door, he was surprised to see his dad manuevering his walker through the doorway. John rose to help him, but his father was still a stubborn man and insisted on making it out to the patio on his own.

John knew he needed to prove he was becoming more independent and John totally understood that. Heck, he had been on the recovery end of illness way too many times. It always felt so good when he didnt need to rely on others.

"Good to see you walking again Dad. You're doing great!"

"Yeah, its really great being under my own steam again, even if I have to use this walker to do it. Damn I hate that wheelchair! Made me so damn dependent...Anyway, I saw you out here alone and I thought maybe we could talk. Teyla is busy helping Lindsay make dinner and the kids are watching a movie. Do you have some time for your old man?"

Outwardly Joe never flinched, but his insides were already tensing. "Sure Dad, I always have time for you. We havent really had much time to really talk."

He resisted the urge to grab his dad's elbow, instead he chose to turn his attentions making the chair accessible. He watched his dad get comfortable, and found he actually dreaded what would come next. But it was now or never, he knew things needed to be said.

Patrick could sense his son's apprehension, but he needed to set things completely right between them. This time when John left, he would know his father loved him.

"John, the other day I told you how happy I was to have you home and I truly, truly am. I've done a whole lot of soul-searching during this recuperation time. I almost think of all this as being a blessing. I never have had the time or patience to think about the decisions I've made over the years and what impact they've had on me and others. I call it as I see it, never look back. Always thought I made the right decisions, always thought I was right. Now, my mind has been trapped in an uncooperative body with lots of time to revisit my life, as it is." Patrick shifted in his seat, uncomfortable in his little speech, but determined to set things right.

"Dad, I..." Patrick held his hand up to his son. "John, please...I need to say this. I don't want to quarrel, so please-please let me say what needs to be said." He looked at his son with pleading eyes. John again was taken with the emotion his father displayed. He nodded, not sure he could remain quiet. In his mind, he was the one who initiated this talk and he had had the upperhand. He felt at a disadvantage but he would respect his father and keep quiet, well-he would try anyway. John shifted in his seat also.

Patrick cleared his throat. It was obvious to John that his dad was just as nervous as he was. "John, like I said, I've had alot of time to review my life and found I wasn't too happy about a lot of it. I thought of myself as a successful businessman with a family who I loved and was loved by. Except, I refused to see that a very significant part of my family was absent." Patrick made a point to look directly at his son as he spoke that last statement. John again shifted uncomfortably but remained silent. His jaw showing the tension he felt.

"The day you were born was the one of the happiest days of my life. You had your mother's Irish dark looks, so opposite of David, who sported my side. You also had that Irish determination. Right from the start you let us know when things pleased you, and when they didnt! You were never really difficult, just focused on what you wanted. A bit stubborn? Yeah-got that from your old man!" John smiled, as did his father.

"David was always the child who looked to please, who sought guidance and reveled in the praise when he did as expected. You, on the other hand, followed your own lead and you were only happy when you did things for yourself. It didnt matter if things worked out the way you wanted or not, the important thing for you was the right to choose your own way. I always loved you both equally and for who you were as individuals."

"Things were great until the company I worked for was sold out and I lost my job. My perfect world was shattered and I was afraid I wouldnt be able to provide for my family. I was under alot of pressure and I was consumed with the financial burdens. Unfortunately I didnt make it easy on your mother back then and also on you and David.  
>Again, David was the quiet one and it was you who presented himself as a target to my frustrations. It wasn't right, John...I see that now...I was so wrong on so many levels..."<p>

John made to speak, but his dad held his hand up once again. "When I decided to start my own business, I poured my heart and soul into making it successful. I wanted to regain the lifestyle we had had before, I wanted to give your mother a good life and I wanted you boys to have all that money could buy. Instead I took away the very things that truly made your mom and you boys happy...my love and my time."

Patrick sighed. "On some level I knew that my family was suffering from my long hours at work. The financial burdens were removed due to the success of the business, which I was extremely proud of. Instead the emotional burdens took over and I had no control over any of it. I would have moved heaven and earth to cure your mother. Instead, she became more ill and more weak. I was terrified of losing her. I was terrified of being solely responsible for you two boys. Watching your mother fade away, unable to do anything to save her, shook me to my core. I needed to remain strong and detached, my belief was that you boys would remain strong if I remained strong. Seeing you crying one day, holding your mother's hand tore my heart to pieces. I refused to see what you needed, because I knew if I caved, I was done and I just couldnt allow that. You were so young, I should have been there for you."

Patrick had been looking down, and as he looked up, John noticed the tears making a slow path over his father's cheeks. The memories of that time were still so strong, thanks to Pacil and now his father. The pain brought forth from the memories had John swiping his own tears away. All he had ever wanted was for his father to show him the love and support he had needed. Now, he felt his father open to that and more. Impulsively, John leaned in against his father, wrapping his arm around his father. Both men stayed that way, the display of emotion cleansing for both.

Teyla had seen Patrick heading out to the patio and she had hoped the two would finally get to their talk. She had been resisting the urge to spy, but the need had grown to unbearable, so she shifted to peek through the window that faced the patio and drew in a quick breath. The sight of the two men embracing was more than she had hoped for. Lindsay had heard her and moved in to look over her shoulder. "Damn! Its about time."

TBC Well, hope you are all liking this? Too much emotion, too long-winded?  
>Please let me know what you think, though I think I now know how I want this to go pretty firmly implanted in my brain-I sure love your comments! Thanks for reading!<p>

He sat enjoying the sun, drinking a protein drink. 


	34. Chapter 34

Sanctorium ch34

Both men slightly embarrassed by their show of emotion, their embrace parted. John smiled at his dad. "Thanks Dad, I needed to hear that." But Patrick wasn't done. He had much to atone for.

"John, I realize now that I wasnt there for you or David. While he and I have a different kind of relationship, I think he's gotten past my failings simply because we are a constant presence in each other's lives."

That statement hit hard and Patrick saw his son flinch. "Oh, John...I'm sorry! That's not what I meant to say..." He was blowing it-one stupid sentence and he could literally see John's defenses rise up.

The fact that his father and David had enjoyed a closeness he had been denied, had always bothered John. Now the banishment and years lost made him feel...empty. He reminded himself of all Pacil had made him remember. He couldnt deny the obvious. David had remained and of course had maintained his relationship with their father. John couldnt deny him that just because he and his father had butted heads. It had hurt then and it still did, but he was here to heal his wounds. Shutting down now would not make that happen.

"It's okay Dad...well, its really not okay...but talking this out is good and we both need this." John sat back in his chair and blew his breath out and made himself relax.  
>"I've had alot of time to think too, Dad. I had been bitter for so long that I had forgotten the good times. Times with you and Mom and Dave when my little world was perfect. It hurt too much to remember that because it was lost to me. I know now what things burdened you and caused my world to fall apart. I was too young to understand. All I knew was the Dad I loved to be with, was gone and it seemed I couldnt do anything right. Mom was my anchor to all that was good. When she got sick and her health failed, I was terrified too. I had already been lost to you and was soon going to lose the only person who I felt loved me."<p>

John felt the trickle of sweat bead down his forehead. He wiped it away and continued on before he lost his nerve. He was amazed his father had remained silent and with a quick look up, he saw the remorse his father had for what he had just said.  
>Maybe it was wrong to rehash all this...to open old wounds. Hell, old wounds be damned, those wounds never healed and if they didnt face them now, together-the pain from them would always be there.<p>

"Mom tried to explain why you were gone so much, but all I wanted was time with you...the way it had been. As mom grew weaker, you became even more distant. By the time mom passed, I was so afraid of you. I learned real quick how to hold my emotions in." John swallowed the lump forming in his throat and whispered quietly. "All except...  
>hate."<p>

He heard his father gasp and knew maybe he had gone too far. But he needed to be truthful and he needed to say this-for his own sake. He couldnt look at his father right now or he'd lose his nerve.

"I still loved you, on some level-I still loved who you had been. But I hated the man you had become. By the time I was a teen, it didnt matter anymore trying to please you. Getting a rise out of you was the highlight of my day...because at least you had to deal with me, anger was better than, well...better than ...nothing. I took every opportunity I could to irritate you, to rebel against you. Looking back I guess I was pretty obnoxious to you and I own responsibility for baiting you at every turn."

John reach over and tapped his dad's arm. "I got really good at it, didnt I? He smiled slightly as he said this, to hopefully break the growing tension. His father sent back a small smile "You certain gave me grief...but I deserved it. How did I let things get so bad between us?" Patrick asked sadly.

John continued "Arguing with you became like a hobby. But at some point, even that didnt matter anymore. Maybe I grew out of it...that rebellious stage, but it didnt change things. I went from trying to annoy you, to realizing I needed to take ownership of my future. Unfortunately my desires for my future didnt coincide with what you thought was best for me. I didnt decide to join the Air Force Academy to annoy you. I wanted to go there more than anything. I wanted to learn to be a pilot. I needed to do it for me and you couldnt have stopped me. Even when you told me to leave."

Patrick had been so wrong. He had seen John's defiance as another way his son could push his buttons. Years of arguing had made him unable to see his son's need to be his own person. Since John was little, he had always followed his heart. How had he denied his son full ownership of his own future. His stubborness had been the singular cause for his son's absence for fifteen long years. Damn, he was lucky John had even agreed to come back now.

"John, saying I'm sorry just doesnt seem enough, but I am... I am so sorry for not being there for you emotionally and physically. I'm sorry for trying to control you and I know I can't even begin to say how sorry I am for kicking you out. There's just no reason in the world why I needed to go that far. I was just frustrated...and angry.  
>I shouldnt have told you to leave. I regretted those words, even as I said them, but my anger and stubborness took over and I didnt allow myself to see what I had done for a very long time." John could see the turmoil in his father's face, but he remained quiet, letting his father have his say.<p>

Patrick looked up to see John watching him. "In time, my anger faded, but it was too late. You were gone, making your own way. I was ashamed of what I had done, but still couldnt find it in me to contact you to apologize. I began following your career through contacts in the military and honestly John, I was very proud of what I heard. I realized that you had made the right decision. You had a bright future ahead of you. Then I found out about the Afghanistan incident and the old anger reared again. Your insubordination confirmed that you just couldnt deal with authority. I berated you for screwing up and in my mind, it reinforced my decisions that forced you out. I wrote you off once again, satisfied it was for the best."

John's anger rose to the surface. He stood abruptly, the chair tipping over in the process. "So quick to judge, Dad? So right about your screwed up son?" Pointing his finger at his father, he yelled "Did you even bother to find out what happened? Did you even give me even an iota of consideration?" John knew he was out of control. It took everything in him to calm himself. Once again, he felt like he was teetering on the edge of a very narrow precipice. His future concerning his family was in the balance, right here, right now.

Willing himself to calm, he picked the chair back up and sat. Unable to speak for several minutes. Patrick saw his son fighting for control and knew what he had said had struck a raw nerve. He needed for John to see that he wasnt the same man anymore.

"Tell me John. Tell me what happened over there."

Quitely John asked. "Why, what does it matter? You've already condemned me."

Patrick grabbed John's arm and squeezed. " I admit that I had, but I was wrong John. Please, I know now I was wrong. I knew, deep in my heart, that there was more to what happened than what I heard. Please, tell me now so I can understand."

John saw the tiredness and the nervousness in his father's eyes. He would tell his father about Afghanistan, and he knew that how his father reacted would tip the balance either way. In the next few minutes, John's fate would be sealed. A part of him already mourning for the family he had grown to love since returning.

TBC Well, things were going good, but now-not so sure. The impact of Patrick's reaction to what John reveals about Afghanistan will be a pivotal factor for everyone.

Unfortunately our dysfunctional relationship inevitably ended with you


	35. Chapter 35

Sanctorium

Chapter 35

Teyla and Lindsay were hopeful and after watching for a few minutes, both had felt uncomfortable with their watching a very private moment between father and son. Returning to their work in the kitchen would keep them busy.

The quietness of outside was shattered by the sound of the metal patio chair falling against the patio fieldstone. Both women looked up and froze. The sound of John's angered voice reached through the closed window and Teyla briefly closed her eyes, hoping that whatever was unfolding outside, John would get hold of his anger. She knew he wanted closure. She wasnt sure at what that closure would cost. Lindsay was afraid also and seeing Teyla's fear, she addressed Teyla.

"Maybe they need an intervention. Didnt you say you were a negotiator for your people?" Lindsay looked at her hopefully. "They may need your skills to get past some painful memories."

Teyla wasnt sure. "I do not know, I am not sure John would wish me to interfere. John desires to make amends, he warned me it may not go smoothly. I do not wish to intrude and I trust that John will regain his composure. I have seen him in many volatile conditions and he always manages to keep his emotions in check."

Lindsay looked skeptical. "I hope you're right Teyla. While this is between Dad and John, it affects us all."

Teyla had moved to the window and watched tensely, the look of relief smoothed her features as she watch John right the chair as he proceeded to sit once again. She could tell how much willpower it was taking for him to get control. She knew he could and would do what was necessary.

Outside, John resigned himself. His father would either accept what he had done in Afghanistan or he wouldnt...

"The official story of my court martial trial stated my insubordination, my failing to follow orders and subsequent action against said orders. I dont deny those charges. And before I go any further, I would do what I did again and again...to do differently was never...never an option."

John raised his head high, no one would ever make him feel he had done wrong, despite what his superiors said, despite what his father might think.

"I was running Search and Rescue behing enemy lines when one of our choppers went down. I had just brought back a chopperful of wounded back to base when I found out. After the wounded were unloaded I made to go back out...to get our guys, but I was told to stand down. I questioned the decision and my CO told me to sit tight and await orders. Too much time was wasting while the brass made up their minds. Each passing minute lessened the window of opportunity to get our guys back. They were our guys...my teammates...my buddies, and all the brass worried about was the viability for a successful mission. I waited until I couldnt wait any longer, I couldnt leave them behind without trying to get them back. Not doing anything went against everything I believe."

John drew a deep breath. "So I radioed control for clearance and shut the com down before I heard a response. I was going no matter what. Fifteen minutes later I located the downed chopper. Two of my guys were dead, killed in the crash. My buddy Holland was wounded pretty bad. I got them all loaded in the chopper before things got hot. Luckily the brass had sent a Black Hawk after me and they covered for me to get the chopper out of there."

"Holland didnt make it, but he had enough time for a medic to videotape his last goodbye to his wife and a message for his newborn son." John had tears in his eyes and his voice was shaky...not unnoticed by his father. " His wife plays that video every year on their son's birthday, then she sends an email to me to thank me for giving her son a piece of his father to remember."

John wiped the tears away. "I will never, ever regret what I did. It was the right thing to do...the only thing I could have done. A wife and son have a lasting message that helps them live with their loss and two families got to have their sons home for a proper burial."

Patick sat there stunned. His son had sacrificed a career full of achievements and a pending promotion. He had known the risks his actions would invoke, yet he had not looked back. Even now, John vowed that he would do it all again to bring his men home.

Patrick hung his head down to his chest. He needed to chose his words wisely.  
>"You're a good man John...a better man than I have ever been or will ever be. So much like your mother...your moral code has always been exemplary. Your loyalty to your friends unwavering. I...I never knew, I'm sorry...I don't think I could have done what you did,...and it makes me sad that I lack the very qualities that I've always known you have in spades."<p>

Patrick held onto the table as he rose to face a stunned John, who was still seated. He held his arm out to John, hoping John would accept his hand. It took a moment, but John did grasp his hand. Then Patrick drew John to him into a full embrace. "I'm so proud of you John. I'm sorry for ever doubting you. You did the right thing and while three families lost their sons that day, at least they were able to say goodbye properly. You made that possible..."

It took a while for his father's words to sink it. It was too good to be true. His father accepted what he had done, was now praising him for doing it. Relief made John shudder slightly and he hid it from his dad by shifting gently to release their embrace. John was still trying to get use to the kinder, gentler Patrick Sheppard. Showing emotion was still new and strange, but it reminded John of what had been once and now, perhaps what might be again.

They settled in the chairs once again, the silence between them unnoticed as they both were lost in their own thoughts. John broke the silence first. "After charges were filed against me, my CO fought like hell to have the charges dropped, but the brass needed to use me as an example. I didnt fight the charges. I did what they accused me of. Ironically, the decision to launch a rescue mission came five minutes after I decided to go on my own. Those five minutes would have made all the difference."

Somehow Patrick knew that John was not speaking about his own fate. Five minutes more and John would not have been able to bring his buddies home at all.

" Guess they really didnt know what to do with me. Everyone on base viewed me as a hero. My punishment ended with a demotion and my deployment to Anarctica. Not so bad in the scheme of things. They needed to ship me out quick, so with no fanfare , I was gone, a big black mark on my record, sent to the end of the world where no one knew anything except that I had screwed up royally. Everyone there gave me the cold shoulder, but I didnt care. I was still allowed to fly. My job was to ferry the military and civilian to and from the base."

Patrick sat mesmerized that John was opening up to him. The walls that both had built were crumbling away and Patrick was happy for it. He was silent and attentive as John continued.

"My belief in fate and destiny were reaffirmed one day when I flew a certain General to McMurdo. He introduced me to some people and long story short-or rather-confidential-I ended up transferring to my current base. Its amazing and wonderful, exciting and dangerous and I love every minute of it. I met Teyla and her people on our first recon mission. But like anywhere, where there is good, there is evil-in abundance. But, I've finally found the place where I am suited for, where I am happiest-Its like everything I have ever gone through was preparing me for this mission. To be where I am now, I truly believe it is my destiny."

"I can see you are happy John and I am really happy for you. It certainly seems to fit you well and obviously your superiors agree. According to David, General O'Neill had only praise for you. You are the master of your destiny John, and you've chosen well."

TBC Well-that went fairly well and smoother than it could have. The hard part is over...Phwew! Do you believe in fate? Sometimes its weird how things happen, like it was meant to be. Or, something happens that leads to something else more significant, Anyway! Hope you liked this chapter! Please send me your thoughts!


	36. Chapter 36

Sanctorium ch 36

Both Sheppard men were glad this talk between them was finally done and both were relieved that the outcome was good. John figured they could spend days or weeks dredging up all their differences, but they had touched on the basic reasons for the demise of their relationship and he knew they both wanted to mend the damage done.

"Well, Dad...I think we both have alot to be thankful for, no more regrets. We can't change the past, but we can both try hard not to repeat what we did wrong. I want to be a part of this family, Dad...I need to be. John fought the emotion that swelled within him. Pacil had showed him that it was okay to show emotion, but John still found it hard.

"I'll never let you go again John. You're stuck with all of us..." Patrick assured him.  
>"Now, tell me where you stand with this lovely lady you brought with you."<p>

John was saved from answering when his neice and nephew came barreling through the patio doors. "Hi Grandpa! Hi Uncle John!" Jacob pulled up short before his uncle. "Will you go swimming with us?" Kelsey stood beside her brother, joining her brother in sporting the famous Sheppard puppy dog eyes.

"I will...if you ask your mom first to make sure its okay." John watched in amusement at the disappointed look on both adorable faces. Lindsay and Teyla had been unable to stop the kids from bolting outside before it was too late. "Sorry Dad, John...and you two, where are your manners?"

Jacob looked innocently at her "But Mom, I asked Uncle John nice."

Lindsay knew the kids were clueless that there was any tension at all between their grandfather and uncle. "It was rude of you to barrel out here and interrupt Grandpa and Uncle John's conversation."

"It's okay, Lindsay...I think we were about done." John assured her as he smiled over at his father.

Patrick confirmed with a smile back. "So, how about it? Can the kids go swimming with John now?"

Lindsay couldnt help but melt when she was faced with four sets of those puppy dog eyes. "How could anyone say no to you Sheppard men and now you're teaching my children how to disarm me...not fair!"

John jumped up from his seat and gave Lindsay a hug. Teyla had been watching the whole scene with a smile on her face. John was like a big kid and she loved him for it. She noted that he was much more relaxed and figured the talk with his father had ultimately gone well.

John released Lindsay from his hug and smiled. He made his way to Teyla and gave her a more intimate embrace. "Wanna join us for a swim before dinner?" Without waiting for her answer, he grabbed her hand and tugged her along. "Come on!"

Inside, John led Teyla to her room where she assumed he was going to leave her to go change. Instead, he pulled her into another intimate embrace. "I need to apologize Teyla...I know I havent been the best company since we got here. I've been so preoccupied about this thing with my dad..."

Teyla stopped his apology by capturing his lips with her own. Surprised, he recovered quickly and returned her kisses with swelling passion. John knew he wanted to take this further, but the time wasn't right.

Sensing his hesitation, Teyla smiled into one of his kisses. He groaned as he slowly eased his embrace, not wanting to let go.

"Ewwww!" They both turned toward the door where Jacob stood with his nose crinkled up. "Are you guys coming swimming? Mom won't let us go in until you guys come out..and she said we only have a half hour til dinner!"

They both laughed and John gave Teyla a final kiss. Leaving her to change, John grabbed his young nephew. "You know buddy, your timing sucks!" He threw his nephew over his shoulder and made his way upstairs to change.

While John, Teyla and the kids enjoyed frolicking in the pool, David had come home and had joined his father watching all four in the pool enjoying themselves. His kids were so comfortable with John and Teyla. Right now, they were having a race. The boys against the girls. John had Jacob on his back and Teyla had Kelsey on hers. John and Teyla were racing across the pool. David smiled when he saw that John was giving Teyla an advantage so that the girls would win this time.

Dinner was almost ready and they would be eating outside so wet bathing suits would dry. John hoisted both kids out of the pool and then swam over to Teyla, who was still catching her breath from the race. John's eyes grew dark with desire as he watched her ample breasts rise and fall with each breath. He brought her into his arms and kissed her neck. "Wow Teyla, did I tell you how amazing you look in that bikini?"

Teyla grinned "I believe you have, but I do enjoy you telling me again. And, you John look very...attractive in only your bathing shorts."

"I'm glad you like what you see" John flirted back.

"I have rarely seen you without your uniform shirt or Tshirt, unless it was to bandage a wound or worse. I like this much better and I may leisurely appreciate your form. Teyla wanted to make sure John knew just how much his form pleased her.

Again, John kissed Teyla, aware that others were around, but he was a bit distracted.

"Ewwww!" There they go again! Jacob whined, his nose crinkled up once again. Teyla and John grinned up at their audience and both blushed slightly at being the center of attention.

Exiting the pool and donning a bath towel each, they sat in the sun to dry off a bit. Lindsay had set the table while they were in the pool. David was helping her bring the food out to the table, refusing the help John and Teyla offered.

Dinner talk was lively with Patrick and David relaying more stories about John to Teyla's delight. She was glad to hear of the happier times of John's childhood. He was a mischievous, but not a malicious boy. Definitely curious, adventurous and kind. Teyla surmised that John had not deviated much from his youthful personality.

After cleaning up after dinner, they all moved to the chairs that surrounded the fire pit once David and John had a decent fire burning. Teyla and Lindsay brought out the graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows to make S'mores. More stories were told and Teyla offered stories from her childhood also. She was pleased to find they all- Patrick, in particular, seemed to hang on every word, finding her stories about her people and culture fascinating.

The night grew darker and soon, both children were sound asleep. David scooped up Jacob and John scooped up Kelsey and headed inside. Teyla and Lindsay cleaned up while Patrick doused the fire. The evening had been relaxing and pleasant for everyone. Patrick sat and realized how much he had to be thankful for. Having his family, his entire family home in one place meant everything to him. He was glad John and him had talked things out. He was confidant that John was as happy as he. If only things could stay this way.

TBC some more family bonding time. Hope you liked it! let me know your thoughts! I always love feedback!


	37. Chapter 37

Sanctorium

Chapter 37

John drove his dad to his PT the next morning as he also had an appointment for his final evaluation. John couldnt believe how fast the week of his own PT had gone, but he felt fit, his reflexes fast and accurate and he had regained the weight he had lost with good ole home cooking and daily protein shake supplements Doc Frasier had insisted he take.

Gerry got his dad started on his routine, then ran John through the evaluation. John felt he was 100 per cent again, so he wasnt surprised when Gerry confirmed his physical status as excellent.

"John, I wish all my patients were like you...you went the extra mile every session and kept active while at home, which really helped too."

"Yeah, well, I wasnt too bad off when I came here. I appreciate the intense program you put me on here. Now I can enjoy the rest of the time home without worrying about my status."

Gerry nodded. "This is your vacation, right? Are you going to do any traveling while you're here?"

"I'd like to, but honestly we've been spending the time getting reacquainted with my family." John looked over at his dad. "Its been awhile since I've been home and I didnt leave on the best of terms. Starting to feel like I am part of the family again and it feels good."

"You said "we"? I know Lindsay, but is that pretty lady in the car with her your wife?

"Yeah, I mean no...Teyla is my...girlfriend.' John liked the way that sounded and rolled it over his tongue silently a few more times. He didnt realize he was sporting a huge smile as he thought about Teyla.

Gerry laughed. "If you dont mind me saying...from the look on your face, she's more than just a girlfriend."

"Yeah, I, ah...was hoping to spend some alone time with her, but I dont think that will happen because I think its too late to book any trips." John had a defeated look on his face. "We only have a week and a half left."

"Hey, John...maybe I can help. I have a ski chalet up in the mountains, just over three hours from here. Unfortunately I can't use it this weekend, so how about you guys use it-for a weekend getaway-just the two of you?"

John was shocked that Gerry had made such an offer. "I, ah, couldnt impose like that, Gerry. Thanks for the offer though."

Gerry shook his head. "I won't take no for an answer. Please, its going to sit empty regardless. And they just had a foot of snow up there, so the skiing should be perfect. It would be ashame for you not to take advantage. You do ski, don't you-or does that even matter!" Gerry wiggled his eyebrows. John laughed.

" Everything you need is there, except food supplies. There's a grocery store nearby for that. So...I'll give your directions and I have the keys in my car, so I can give them to you now. Its a great little place, nothing too fancy...but there's a hot tub on the deck looking out over the slopes, so take your suits too."

John was grateful, he could at least get away with just Teyla for a few days. "Gerry, I don't know what to say...Thanks so much! It sounds awesome...I havent been skiing in over five years...and I'll need to teach Teyla..."

"Teaching can be great fun. Plus, skiing is a good form of exercise." Gerry winked. John shook his head and laughed at the discreet suggestion."

"Do you moonlight as a couples therapy counselor?" John laughed.

"Let's just say, I know from experience." Gerry smiled. They shook hands and Gerry pat John on the back. "Have a great time! Come on, I need to fill out your evaluation and give you a copy for your doctor back on base."

John followed him to his office and while he waited, Patrick made his way over also, without any aid. John saw him approaching the office and was surprised to see his dad walking on his own. He had seen his dad take a few steps without the walker at home, but he never went too far. He was happy to see how strong and steady he was.

"Look John! No hands!" Patrick smiled widely as he raised his hands up.

"That's great, Dad! You've made amazing progress even since I have been home." John was really pleased. "So, are you up to joining David and me for our morning run?"

Gerry laughed. "Well, that may have to wait...but Mr Sheppard, I do want you to start doing a few laps in your pool at home and there are a few other aquatic exercises that will help strengthen your arms and legs, plus your back and stomach muscles too.  
>You Sheppard men are a hardy bunch...you both have done really well. Another week of PT here and I think you will be ready to follow up in a regular gym, Mr Sheppard."<p>

Both John and his dad were thrilled by that news. "How about we call David and see if he can meet us for lunch so we can celebrate? The girls took the kids to some kind of bicycle safety thing at the school, so there's no rush to get back home." His dad thought that was a great idea, so John finished up with Gerry and thanked him again for everything, while his dad called David. Gerry gave John the map and the keys to the chalet and John thanked him once again.

Curious, Patrick asked him what the keys were for. John was hesitant, he wasnt sure his father would be happy that he and Teyla would be going away for the weekend.

"Ah, Gerry offered me his ski chalet for the weekend, so I thought maybe Teyla and I could spend the weekend up there." John waited for the fireworks.

"Wow, that was really nice of Gerry." Patrick seemed genuinely interested. "How far away is it?"

"He said it was two hours from here. Would you mind Dad, if Teyla and I went away for a few days?" John asked tentatively.

"I think thats an excellent idea! You and Teyla havent been alone at all. You know John... you need to be a bit more romantic, if you want to keep your lady happy!"

John was shocked. He expected his father to balk at the suggestion, wanting to keep John close at home since things were going so well.

"You still havent answered my question from last night. Tell me about you and Teyla. I mean I don't want to pry, but I see how you look at her, and her at you and I can see how much you care for one another. So...?"

John felt a little awkward talking to his father about his girlfriend...hmmm, man-he liked those words. 'His girlfriend'...sounded kind of high schoolish though, because Teyla meant so much more.

"Teyla is amazing, from the moment I met her, three years ago...I was blown away by her. She has the strength to lead her people and at the same time retain an amazing softness. She can be quite a force to reckon with, yet she is the voice of reason. She's really got a knack for reading people, which makes her an excellent negotiator. When her village was destroyed, Teyla and her people came to live on base. Teyla joined my recon team and we've been best friends ever since. I knew I felt more for her, but my position as military commander of the base made it impossible to take it any further, so I resigned myself to just being friends."

Patrick was intrigued. "What happened that made you act on your feelings?"

John smiled "My, ah...accident. Long story, confidential...sorry. I guess it gave me the courage to act on my feelings. It was getting really hard to reign in my feelings anyway.  
>Teyla was at my bedside everday. I had alot of time to think about alot of stuff...On impulse one day, I kissed her. I hadnt thought about what I would do if she turned tail and ran. Luckily, it seems she had been keeping a secret of her own. We both had been hiding our true feelings for one another...well, at least we both thought we were! Apparently practically everyone on base could see what we felt for one another-there was even a betting pool to see how long it would take for us to realize how we felt." John chuckled. Patrick smiled when he realized how clueless his son had been while those around him could see so clearly what he had tried to hide.<p>

Neither man wanted to acknowledge how each of there illnesses had aided each one of them into dealing with feelings both had chosen to hide. John wondered if he'd be sitting here right now, telling his father such private thoughts had it not been for Pacil's insistence to face his demons which ultimately released his emotions. He figured he kind of owed "Pacil"...but he still was glad Ronon had destroyed the program with his super powered gun.

TBC So John and Teyla are finally going to get alone time. Hope you enjoyed this chapter...let me know your thoughts! Thanks!


	38. Chapter 38

Sanctorium

Ch 38

Warning! a tad bit of adult content within the following chapters...after all we are dealing with John and Teyla! I'm trying to keep the content reader friendly, but no promises!

John was anxious to get going. Another snowstorm was expected that night and he wanted to be at the chalet with plenty of time to spare to do a bit of grocery shopping.  
>If they left by noon, they'd get there with enough time to shop and scout out the area before the storm hit. Since it was Friday, he figured traffic might be a bit heavy with weekend travelers all trying to beat the storm too. Better to go earlier than later.<p>

He was really excited that he would have this time alone with Teyla. When he had told her about Gerry's place and asked her if she wanted to go, she was thrilled. She and Lindsay had gone shopping , again...for some warmer clothes and a ski outfit. John was borrowing David's ski gear and some warm sweaters. He remembered the first time his parents had taken David and him up to the mountains only a few hours away and how he had been dumbfounded that there was snow. They had gone skiing on weekends several times a year when he had been little, learning to ski at the age of four.

Both David and he had competed in youth competitions and they both had several first place trophies. Skiing had come natural to both he and David. John loved the speed and the feeling of flying down the mountain. The family ski trips ended around the time his father became distant and business oriented. John did go on as many school ski trips he could but that had only been a few times a year. He had been able to ski more recently when he was stationed in Antarctica and picked it up really quick right away. It would be fun to be on the slopes again and he hoped Teyla would like it too.

With the car was packed, John and Teyla said their goodbyes, Kelsey cried, thinking they wouldnt be coming back. John hugged her and made sure she knew they would be back on Monday night. He promised to bring her back a snowball and that perked her up immediately.

The drive up the mountain was beautiful. With the help of the GPS, they found Gerry's place quickly and John quickly unpacked the gear and suitcases while Teyla unlocked the door. The chalet was a good size and beautiful with all wood and stone decor. The loft served as the only bedroom, with a spacious deck overlooking the ski slopes. John smiled when he saw the hot tub, he had plans for that later, but first he needed to turn up the heat... in more ways than one!

Teyla joined him as he stepped out the sliding door to the deck. "This is lovely, John!  
>We will need to thank Gerry for allowing us to enjoy his home. Do many of your people have second homes like this to enjoy on their time off?"<p>

"Not everyone can afford it. Its hard enough for most people to own one home. Gerry is still single and said his brother sold him this place for a good price when he was transferred to the west coast." He looked around. "Man, I love the mountains, but then I love being near the ocean too."

John brought Teyla into an embrace, his arms wrapping around her. He lowered his head so he could gently kiss her lips. Teyla's heart fluttered. She could hardly believe that she finally had John all to herself. Now that John had rekindled his relationship with his father and brother, his attention had quickly turned towards her. She had been patient, knowing he needed to establish himself back into the family fold, but now it was her turn and she intended to use this time well!

With that thought, Teyla returned John's gentle kiss then made to deepen the kiss, her hands found their way under his flannel shirt, roaming the firm muscles of his back. The firmness of his lean, muscular body made her groan with desire. John was finding it difficult to control his own rising passions, but he wanted their first time together to be romantic and he figured both of them stripping here on the deck five minutes after arriving, wouldnt cut it in the romance department. Teyla meant so much to him, he wanted to do this right-she deserved to be wooed.

So reluctantly, John pulled away slightly and smiled. "Wow, Teyla! As much as I'd love to keep going, we need to hit the grocery store before the storm gets here. Once we have supplies, we can hunker down and pick up where we left off!"

Teyla sighed, she knew John was right. Off in the distance, the dark gray storm clouds were just visible. "I believe you are right. Look." Teyla pointed out towards the cloud front.

"Hmmm, think we've got a good hour or so before snow starts to fall. I don't mind driving in the snow, but once it starts it may come down fast and since we don't know the area-I'd like to get back ASAP."

They hugged and shared kisses for several more minutes, then both smiled, thoughts of their return and the evening ahead making them both hesitant to go, but anxious to get their shopping over with so they could get back.

The grocery store was down the main road and was crowded with people stocking up before the storm. They went up and down the aisles as quick as they could and by the end, had enough in their cart for a family of four. Teyla was amazed at the quantity and variety of items available for purchase. John was humbled at Teyla's amazed face as she walked the aisles. Several times he had to remind her to not look so awed, so she wouldnt attract any unwanted stares. He chuckled as he watched her school in her excitement. Man, he loved this woman!

By the time they left the store, the first snowflakes were just starting to fall. John made one more quick stop at the liquor store where he bought a few bottles of wine. Thoughts of relaxing in the hot tub with Teyla and a good bottle of wine with falling snowflakes tickling their naked bodies made John anxious to get home.

Teyla unpacked the groceries and put them away while John gathered firewood for the living room fireplace and for the one in the loft bedroom. Once the fire was blazing in the living room, he went to start the bedroom fireplace.

Teyla finished her chore first and went upstairs to find John. She had the foresight to bring two wine glasses and a bottle of wine with her. John didnt hear her come up the stairs, so she took her time admiring his athletic form bent over as he positioned the logs and lit the kindle. Before long, the flames grew and caught the larger logs. Satisfied, John stood and seemed mesmerized by the flames. Teyla crossed the room and wrapped her arms around John's waist, her hands occupied with the wine bottle and two glasses.

"Ahhhh" John groaned with delight as he turned around to face her. He took the wine and glasses from her and placed them on the table, then cupped her face in his hands and gently kissed her mouth, then her cheek, trailing his kisses down her neck. His hands roaming to feel the gentle curves where her waist flared alluringly to her hips. He caressed the firm, but supple planes along her back. His exploration was slow, his tongue trailing his hands. Teyla was thoroughly enjoying John's attention, his touch exciting her rising passion.

Both moaned into one another as his hand blanketed the mounds of her breasts and caressed the nipples, already erect with arousal. John removed her blouse one button at a time, his lips trailing down her torso as it was freed from its clothing. Teyla's hands hungrily rid John from his shirt, taking a shortcut by pulling it over his head. John paused just long enough to shuck the shirt to the floor and soon had Teyla's blouse join it. It didnt take long for the rest of their clothing to form a heaping pile on the floor. As they explored and took pleasure from each other, the snowfall grew heavier, the heart of the storm moving towards the mountain retreat.

TBC John and Teyla-yeah!


	39. Chapter 39

Sanctorium

Chapter 39

Warning: A bit more adult themed activity. I am really trying to keep this reader friendly, but John and Teyla can't keep their hands to themselves!

Waking slowly, John stretched his long, lean and extremely satisfied body. The only light in the room coming from the now nearly spent fire in the fireplace. Groaning, John knew he would need to go outside and get more wood. Teyla slept soundly beside him and he smiled as he thought of the "activity" which had worn them both out.

He quickly dressed and made his way out for more wood. He was surprised to see more than half a foot of snow already on the ground and it was still snowing steadily. Had they been busy-or asleep that long? Glancing at the microwave clock, he was amazed to see that it was near 1900 hours. He restoked the downstairs fire and then made his way up to rekindle the bedroom fire. He still had plans for the hot tub. In fact, his plan was to start off there and then, head inside where the warm, firelit room would enhance the romantic feel he wanted to go for. He cursed himself a bit, for ruining his own plans...but...he wasnt too harsh on himself-he had totally enjoyed their impromptu lovemaking.

By the time John had the fire blazing, Teyla had woken, disappointed not to have her lover's splendid body beside her. She again watched her love as he tended the fire. He was amazing and more than her wildest dreams had conjured. He was a gentle, caring lover yet strong and confident, and selfless in his need to please her. She smiled as she was sure he had totally pleased her, physically and emotionally.

"Do I need to ask what you are smiling about?" John crossed the room and lay beside her. His mouth against hers before she could answer. His lips began to roam once again when the protesting gurgles of her empty stomach demanded substenance. They both laughed as John's own stomach joined in the protest.

"Guess we both need some food. How about I fix a quick dinner and then we enjoy the hot tub?" John asked as he reluctantly sat up and edged off the bed. He came around to grab another long kiss.

The kiss ignited her desire to feel his body pressed into hers once again. Every fiber of her being wanting his touch, well...all of her-except her stomach! "I will make a salad if you wish." Teyla offered with a sigh.

"Sounds like a plan. How about I grill the tuna steaks we bought?" John asked and Teyla agreed. He wouldnt mind grilling outside as it was his favorite way of cooking. He'd brave the snow and cold for the flavor of the grilled meat.

"John, this is delicious! You are quite a chef! I am afraid I did not inherit my mother's cooking skills. My mother and then Charin, both tried to teach me how to cook and at their dismay, I have never been very successful."

"You make a mean salad, Teyla!" John grinned. "So, whenever we need to cook...I'll make the main dishes and you can be in charge of salads!" Teyla laughed. "I think that would be safe for us both!"

Once done cooking, eating and cleaning up, John was on a mission. A mission which he had strategically planned, but had failed to execute. One thing he prided himself on was to see each mission through, and this one was of the upmost importance!

Taking Teyla's hand, his eyes darkened with desire as he led her up the stairs. He could sense Teyla's growing desire that matched his own. His desire was building too rapidly, not that he could help it! To slow things down, because he sure wanted to take his time and enjoy, John turned his attention to pouring the wine into their glasses.

While John's attention was on opening the wine bottle and pouring the wine into their glasses, Teyla quickly removed her clothing so when he turned around, seeing her in all her splendor, almost made him dropped both glasses of wine. "Oh, wow! You are incredibly beautiful Teyla!"

John went to put the glasses down, but Teyla halted him, intending his hands to be busy so that she could slowly and seductively rid him of his clothing. She slowly unbuttoned his shirt and let her hands roam over the lean musculature of his chest. She trailed her lips down, taking each of his nipples into her mouth in turn, swirling and licking her tongue to prod them to attention. John gasped with pleasure. Her hands slowly unbuttoned his jeans as she blew her hot breath through the fabric. John gasped again as he felt the warmth spread over his growing manhood. It was getting a little crowded inside his jeans, but Teyla remedied that as she seductively unzipped his jeans slowly, blowing her hot breath into the boxer briefs still in place. She pulled his jeans down over his hips, taking his briefs with it. Teyla took his freed length in one hand and stroked slowly while the other kneaded and caressed his backside. John moaned with pleasure, his breath catching as her mouth followed her hand, stroking and sucking until he could stand it no more and he climaxed, still holding the wine glasses in each hand, though he wasnt sure just how he had managed that feat without dropping or crushing them.

Somehow John managed to keep standing, drawing her up to him, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. Whispering passionately "Teyla, that was amazing..."

Both naked, wine glasses in hand, John led her to the sliding doors. Teyla wasn't too sure about John's plan. It was freezing and snowing steadily. The idea of sitting in water, naked did not seem too romantic to her. John saw her skepticism and smiled.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" John uncovered the preheated hot tub quickly-because, honestly, it was freaking freezing. He helped Teyla climb into the tub and she was instantly relieved from the cold. John joined her, sitting next to her, he reached over to turn on the water jets.

"John, this is truly wonderful. The warmth of the water is soothing and I am not cold at all. And the view of the snow covered trees is beautiful!" She was amazed that the the snow falling on her was actually refreshing and quite wonderful.

"Its the best way to enjoy a hot tub, in my opinion...the contrast from cold to hot is really relaxing. The only downside is getting out-it will feel really, really cold! But we dont have to worry about that now." Teyla giggled as the tone in John's voice told her exactly what he had in mind and his actions confirmed that his desire was rising with the heat!

TBC So John finally got Teyla in the hot tub...we'll give them some private time...and if you need to, use your imagination as to how they spend their time-I'm sure it will be "hot"!


	40. Chapter 40

Sanctorium

Chapter 40

Teyla woke first and smiled as she opened her eyes to the most pleasurably sight she could imagine. John lay next to her, the blanket riding low just over his hips. The sight of his trim, muscular torso quite a sight she enjoyed immensely. He slept soundly, despite the chill in the room. She should pull the blanket up to cover him and keep him warm, but selfishly, she continued to feast her eyes for a few more minutes, then she reluctantly pulled the blanket up around his shoulders. She smiled as he burrowed in under the blanket, the warmth adding a layer of comfort over his sleeping form. She could get use to this, waking up with John by her side...because that would mean they would spend each night together, in each others arms. Oh yes, she could love it very, very much.

She frowned though, as she thought about what would happen once they needed to return to Atlantis. Now that they had admitted their feelings for one another and enjoyed each other so intimately, she shuddered at the thought of not having him next to her each night. Would John feel the same?

John woke with that uncanny feeling most people had when they were being stared at.  
>He smiled when he found Teyla looking at him, but then he noticed that while her eyes lay upon him, her thoughts were a million miles away. He frowned, wondering what she could be thinking about...worried that maybe she had second thoughts about how fast their relationship had progressed. Had he moved too fast? He really hadnt asked Halling about dating rituals among the Athosians...She certainly had been a willing partner,but...had she just been afraid to say no? Man, he could kick himself for not talking to Halling. No...he should have been upfront and talked to Teyla. Good move, John...maybe she's trying to think of a way to let you down easy. He needed to know what she was feeling.<p>

John reached out and ran his hand up her arm, then down to rest with her hand in his. "Good morning , Teyla" He hadnt meant for it too come out of his mouth in such a pathetic way...

Immediately Teyla focused. "John! Are you alright? Are you feeling unwell?"

"Ah, no...no. I feel fine, I um, was wondering how you were feeling, I mean, uh...You just had this look on your face and I was , uh, wondering if you were having second thoughts...about us." John closed his eyes, his head low...praying he hadnt already blown his chance with this beautiful woman that he adored and loved more than anything...

Teyla was astounded, how could he possible think she would have second thoughts! All her dreams had come true when they finally admitted their "attraction" for one another...and being intimate with John made all her fantasies pale in comparison.

"John, I have not had "second thoughts"! Being with you is all I have dreamt about for such a long time, I still feel like I will wake from a dream. You are the only man I wish to be with. In fact, that is what I was thinking about. What will happen when we must return to Atlantis. What will our relationship be like and I wonder if you feel the need to be with me as strongly as I have the need to be with you."

John was looking into her eyes and he felt relieved, ecstatic and he needed to make sure Teyla knew he was committed to her and her alone. He had an revelation and realized that she needed to hear what he felt in his heart.

"Teyla, I'm not good at this stuff. Its one reason why I never showed how I really felt about you. I... I love being with you, sharing everything with you. I can't imagine going backwards from here...this time with you has only made my need for you stronger. I want us to be together forever...I love you Teyla Emmagen."

Before a stunned Teyla could say anything, John pulled her into his arms. "I can be a jerk sometimes, Teyla...I forget that most people grow up being allowed to express emotions. I..."

Teyla interrupted. "John, it is not necessary for you to say how you feel as your actions speak louder than words..." She smiled..."But, the words are nice to hear also. I love you also and can not imagine us being apart when we return home. Do you think that will be a problem?"

John shook his head. "I won't let it be. We'll work it out, but...we'll work it out together. Besides, everyone-but us...could see how we felt for each other. I don't think it will be a big deal."

"Come on! Let's get a start on this day. Let's fix a quick breakfast and then we can hit the slopes!"

Teyla knew John was excited about skiing again. She, however was not quite so sure.

"John, I am not sure I will be any good at skiing. I read in a brochure at the store, that one can take lessons. I am sure I would benefit from instruction."

"Oh, not a problem! I'll teach you! Besides, I have no doubt that you'll take to skiing like you do everything else! " John said as he headed towards the bathroom. "We can spend the morning on the smaller slope so you can learn the basics, then we'll see how it goes from there."

"John, I do not wish to hold you back. I know that you are anxious to ski down the larger, more challenging paths. Perhaps, you could enjoy doing so while I take advantage of a lesson?"

John looked disappointed, but he was looking forward to challenging himself on the expert slopes, which Teyla would not be able to handle as a new skier, but he wanted to be with her and show her what to do.

Seeing his indecision, Teyla insisted that she would take a lesson-to learn the basics while John went up to the highest slope and once he made it down, they would meet up and spend the rest of the day together. The plan set, they had a quick breakfast and got ready to go.

TBC off to the slopes!

to her. 


	41. Chapter 41

Sanctorium

Chapter 41

Teyla was admiring the white monotone landscape when John joined her at the window and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "Its beautiful, isnt it?" Teyla asked mesmerized by the crisp white snow contrasting with the now clear blue sky.

Winter was John's favorite season, next to summer. He had never minded the cold weather, always finding the cold crisp air refreshing. "Yes, it is beautiful and perfect, like you." He nuzzled into her neck, kissing it gently. Then he remembered he would have to dig out the car and groaned. "It's pretty until it has to be shovelled...not my favorite thing to do. I better find the snow shovel and get started."

John figured there was about a foot of snow that fell during the storm. The road was pretty clear as the snow plows must have been working through the night. Luckily,  
>he found that Gerry had a snowblower so the job would be easier. He started with the walkway from the house. He switched to the shovel to dig the snow from around the car, he was making good progress when he felt a pelting of snow hit his head. He looked around but didnt see anything so he went back to work. A few moment later he felt another pelting of snow hit his back. He pretended like he didnt feel it, meanwhile he quickly made his own arsenal of snowballs. The next one that hit him helped him determine the direction it came from. John dropped his shovel and went on the attack, bombarding Teyla with his supply as she tried to run away through the freshly fallen snow.<p>

Teyla was covered in snow, as John had impeccable aim. Her laughter made his heart swell and he hurried to tackle her, the snow cushioning their fall. Both were laughing hard. Teyla smushed snow into John's face and tried to get away, but he held her tight. John took advantage of his dominant position above her and kissed her deeply.  
>Teyla melted into his kiss, the cold air turned warm by his closeness was blissful.<p>

"Loser has to help." John gave her a peck on her nose and stood, holding his hand out for Teyla to grip to help her stand. She came up smiling. "That is why I came out, as it was not fair of me to be warm inside while you labor in the cold."

John smiled back. "I'm good! It actually feels good out here, crisp and clean air. I dont have much more to do, but maybe you can shovel abit while I clean up with the snow plow, okay?"

"Yes, i see you have been working hard. Do your people have a machine to help them with every task imaginable?" Teyla quieried.

John chuckled "Practically-anything you can think of there is some kind of contraption to either do the work or that helps get it done! I guess we're really spoiled."

Teyla truly was amazed at all the advances and conveniences that Earth had to offer. Not for the first time, she wondered if her people would be advanced had there never been the Wraith who dwindled their population frequent enough for any advances to be non-existent. She signed with despair, but quickly thought about all the advances that were possible now that Atlantis was helping fight the Wraith.

John saw her faraway look and instinctively he knew what she was thinking. One day, when the Wraith were wiped out, the worlds of the Pegasus galaxy would enjoy their own evolution to decadence. John corrected himself, sure that the history of those worlds would most likely keep the people more humble and appreciative for any advances they made.

Both were brought out of their own thoughts when they saw a friendly golden retriever bounding over to them. Teyla had never seen such an animal and was initially on guard, but seeing John's playfulness put her to ease. The dog was romping around in the snow, obviously happy and comfortable in the snow. John threw a snowball and the dog chased after it, catching it in his mouth. Teyla laughed as the dog chomped on the snow, its tail wagging furiously.

"Sandy! Come here boy!" They heard the call before seeing the teenage boy that belonged to the dog. The dog also heard the call and was torn between obeying the command and wanting another snowball chase.

"Oh, sorry! Sandy loves the snow and goes a little nuts. He forgets he needs to listen." The boy said as he came closer. "My name is Jeff. I live down the road. Gerry called and let my parents know you were staying here. They keep an eye on the place when he's not here.

"Hi, I'm John and this is Teyla. Nice looking dog!" John said as he pet the dog, who stood at attention waiting for another snowball.

"Thanks, he's usually really good at listening, except when there's snow. You up here to go skiing? Looks like you're doing pretty good digging out."

"Yeah, just need to finish up and then we were going to head on out." John said anxiously. It was still early, but he knew that the resort would be busy.

"Want me to finish up so you can get ready to go." Jeff asked. John nodded quickly. When Jeff saw him reach for his wallet, he added. "Gerry pays me monthly, so I won't take anything from you, besides-looks like you've done most of it. I could have the rest cleared by the time you're ready to go."

"John looked at Teyla and smiled. "Okay, I appreciate it. Its Teyla's first time out, so we need to get her in a lesson before they fill up. Thanks, Jeff! Nice to meet you..and Sandy. See you later!"

The ski resort was ten minutes away by car and the parking lot was filling up fast. John ushered Teyla into the lodge, over to the lesson sign up. Once she was all signed up, they headed for the ski rental area. While on line, John had time to admire Teyla in the ski pants and jacket she had brought. She sure looked great and he bent to kiss her. "You sure look hot in that outfit, Teyla. Watch out you don't stand in one place too long or the snow will melt around you." He grinned widely as she laughed at his comment.

Once outfitted with ski boots, skis and poles, John helped her into the boots. He laughed as her eyes widen with surprise as she tried to walk. "John, how can I ski, if I can't even walk in these boots?"

Her seriousness made him laugh harder. "You'll get use to it. Come on, lets get you out to your lesson. It starts in about fifteen minutes."

They found the area Teyla needed to be in and stood just enjoying the view. John explained the ski lift as Teyla looked around in fascination. "John, there are some very small children on skis and some are very good!"

"It's good to learn early. I was four when I learned how to ski. Its easier to learn when you're younger. John saw her face and knew she was doubting that she would be able to ski. "Am I not too old to learn now?"

"Nope...that's why you need the lesson. Once you get the basics down, you just need to practice."

The ski instructor called out that the lesson was about to begin. John smiled and helped Teyla get her skis on. She looked terrified, but determined. He stepped back to watch for awhile and was impressed that Teyla was catching on pretty well, despite her misgivings. He caught her eye and motioned that he was going to set off and he would check on her when he got back down. She smiled and waved back.

John thoroughly enjoyed his trip down the ski trail, having picked the black diamond trail. The trail was difficult but John totally enjoyed the challenge. He was happy at how well he had done, despite it being a few years. He made his way over to the novice area, Teyla's lesson was almost over. He was sure she would do well, but more than anything, he was hoping she was enjoying herself.

He picked out Teyla right away, her familiar figure filling out the ski outfit so perfectly. He got closer but hung back to watched her. He was impressed at how well she was doing. She was talking and laughing with a young guy and John's jealousy meter spiked. The emotion surprised John as he had never been the jealous type. He admonished himself, but didnt waste any time in drawing Teyla's attention.

Her face lighting up at spotting him, she motioned for him to join her. "John! I did not think you would be back so quickly! Did you have a wonderful time?"

"It was great! I picked a really advanced trail and it felt good to challenge myself. It looks like you're doing really good after one lesson!"

"Yes, Justin says I am a natural! I am truly enjoying this sport of skiing!" Teyla turned to Justin and introduced John to him and after talking to him for a few minutes, John's hackles receded.

"Justin said that I am ready for a level two trail provided that you will be there to help me should I need it. But first I would like to visit the lodge for a little while."

"Okay, I'll go with you." John's adrenaline hadnt subsided yet and he was itching to keep skiing, but he would let Teyla have a short rest.

"John, Teyla tells me you're an excellent skier. I've got an hour before my next class If you want, while Teyla takes a break-I could show you a trail that most of the ski instructors love to use, its challenging but lots of fun.

John's eyebrows perked up, but he wanted to spend time with Teyla. "I'd love to Justin, maybe a raincheck." Teyla could tell that John was intrigued and she also knew he would not go unless she insisted. He was in his element here and likely would not be able to ski for quite some time after this trip. "John, I will be alright by myself for a while. Please go with Justin. I know you want to challenge yourself and you will not get an opportunity to do so, if you plan to stay with me for the afternoon. Go have some fun."

John was torn. He had promised Teyla they would spend the day together and he had no intention of breaking his promise. Before he could refuse, Teyla insisted again. Justin added that the trail took about 40 minutes to traverse. With Teyla's insistence, John accepted Justin's offer. Justin busied himself with extra tips to those students still hanging around, while John escorted Teyla to the lodge.

"Thanks, Teyla...But I feel bad that I'll be leaving you alone." John said guiltily.

"John, forty minutes or so is not long and I will rest for awhile. I will enjoy myself watching everyone ski. When you get back, it will be close to lunchtime and we can eat, then go back out. Just promise me you will be careful."

John pulled Teyla into a hug and kissed her. "You are amazing. I promise! Can you check if they have a nicer restaurant we can eat in for lunch? The quick stuff is alright, but I'm working up an appetite, plus you deserve a nice meal!"

"It is not necessary John, but I will check-just go! You are keeping Justin waiting!"  
>He gave her another kiss, then she sent her semi-reluctant man on his way.<p>

On the way up the skilift, Justin asked John alot of question about his ski experience to gauge whether John was up to the challenge. He estimated John was a level seven/eight skier and was comfortable with taking John on the intended trail. Justin also shared Teyla's experiences during her lesson. John was ecstatic that Justin really had been impressed by Teyla's natural ability. He cautioned John to stress the basics during their afternoon runs. He didnt doubt that Teyla would be ready for level three trails by mid afternoon.

The trail was very challenging and best of all, lots of fun! Justin had even encouraged John to try a few moguls. John was thrilled that he had done so successfully, having always wanting to try the difficult maneuvers. By the time they reached the bottom, John was whooping with glee, though he was physically tired.

"Thanks so much, Justin! That was amazing!"

"Anytime, John...you're really an excellent skier. If you ever retire from the military and want a job as a ski instructor-let me know!

John chuckled "Thanks! But I'm not getting any younger...I have a feeling I'm going to feel those moguls in my knees tomorrow!

Justin laughed and held out his hand. "Hint, soak in a hot bath and take some Tylenol before you go to bed tonight."

John shook his hand, thinking about another visit in the hot tub with Teyla just might work a bit better. "Thanks again, Justin. I better go find Teyla! Maybe we'll see you out here later?"

"Ok-enjoy the rest of you day. I have to go round up my next class. See you later."  
>Justin said as he skied away while John turned towards the lodge.<p>

TBC the days not over yet...hope you liked the chapter!

digging 


	42. Chapter 42

Sanctorium

chapter 42

After lunch, John and Teyla headed out to the ski lift. John had Teyla practice for a little while, then they headed for the ski lift that would let them off at one of the easier intermediate trails.

Teyla was apprehensive about being able to manuever onto the ski lift with her skis on and her hands occupied with the ski poles, so they watched other skiers get on for awhile until Teyla felt she could copy their technique. John held her arm the whole way and smiled when she hopped on gracefully. She smiled over at him triumphantly.  
>"That was not as hard as I feared it would be! I am having a wonderful time, John!"<p>

"You're doing really well, Teyla! Just remember what you learned from Justin and let it happen naturally." He shimmied over closer to her and wrapped his arm around her. She looked up at him, resting her head back against his arm. He bent to steal a kiss, having missed the feel of her in his arms all morning. The ride up the ski lift let them view the whole valley, the mountains covered in white all around. It was a stunning view.

As they approached the drop off area, John instructed Teyla on what to do. Safely disembarked, John lead Teyla to the trail they would use. "I'll be right with you all the way down. If you dont feel comfortable let me know, okay? We'll take it slow, just dont push it, keep a steady pace. Biggest thing to worry about is other skiers flying past, getting in your way or you getting in their way. So, we'll stay on the outer edge of the trail for now. I've got your six, I'll be behind you so I can keep an eye on your technique,okay?"

Teyla knew John was being overly cautious, but she kind of liked his protectiveness. She wondered if he would become over-protective once they went back home to Atlantis. While he had always been cautious and concerned in the past, she wondered if now there would be an added intensity with them being in a relationship.

John stayed back behind her for awhile, watching her technique and watching for other skiers getting too close. He didnt like that there seemed to be an surplus of newbie skiers on this slope. He no sooner had that thought when he heard a yelp and heard the whoosh behind him. The out of control skier went flying past him before falling hard to Teyla's left. He heard the undeniable crack and pained yelp and unfortunately, from experience John knew what that meant. He winced at the memory of the pain of a broken limb. Both he and Teyla immediately went to aid the downed skier.

Teyla was trying to comfort the woman as he assessed her injuries. Teyla learned her name as Megan. A bump on the head and a compound fracture of her lower leg seemed to be the most apparent injuries. John talked to her while he stabilized her leg, afraid she was a bit shocky. The ski patrolmen was there in minutes, did their own assessment and then gently put her on the sled.

"Nice job stabilizing that leg. Are you a doctor or something?" one said to John.

"Nope-military field training. Unfortunately, I've stabilized quite a few limbs waiting for medics to take over." John hugged Teyla to him as he saw she was shaken.

The ski patrolman introduced himself and asked. "Either of you hurt?"

John shook his head. "Luckily no, we just saw her go down. I wish I had had time to break her fall, maybe she wouldnt have been hurt so bad."

"Lucky you were here. You did a great job stabilizing her leg and keeping her calm. Thanks. We'd better get get going. Would you mind stopping by the ski lodge office to give a statement-for insurance purposes?" He asked apologetically.

"Sure-no problem."

They both bent down to wish Megan well and though in pain, she thanked them for helping her. They watched as the ski patrol headed down with the sled. A few people who had stopped, patted John and Teyla on the back, acknowledgment that their help was noted.

John was afraid that the accident would put Teyla off from the fun she had been having. He was glad to see that she she was being a bit more cautious, but the confidence was still there. He talked to her about what had happened and she assured him that she was fine. So, they enjoyed the rest of their trip down the mountain without incident and made their statement at the ski lodge office, the staff appreciative of their help to the young woman.

In fact, Teyla was doing so well, they skied three different intermediate trails before Teyla admitted she was exhausted and sore. "I am afraid to say that I am done, John. I believe I have used muscles I was unaware I possessed. I think I will sleep very soundly tonight!."

"Oh sweetie, when we get back to the house, I'll fire up the hot tub and we can both soak for awhile...until we get our second wind." John's face lit up as he grinned, his eyebrows doing their suggestive dance.

She laughed and gave him a seductive look back. They made their way to the lodge when they heard Justin hail them both.

"John, Teyla! I just read the report you filed! Lucky you were there! Heard you stabilized her leg really well and kept her calm. We just got a report form the hospital. The skier, Megan Branigan suffered the obvious fracture and a slight concussion, but she'll make a full recovery."

Teyla smiled and John did too. "That's good to hear. We were going to check to see if you had heard anything yet from the hospital. Thanks for the update."

"You guys arent done yet, are you? Still lots of good skiing out there." Justin asked.

Teyal smiled. "I am afraid I am the reason we are ending early, though I think John could still ski some more." A thought came to her. "John, I can sit in the lodge while you do another run, if you wish. I would not mind!"

Justin then added "I'm going back up to the trail we used. Got a report of a couple of skiers free-skiing off the trails. You could ride up with me for one more run!"

Again, John was hesitant to leave Teyla, but he sure wanted one more chance at those moguls. He wasnt tired yet due to the slow pace he kept for Teyla's sake all afternoon.  
>Upon Teyla's insistence, John grinned widely when he decided to go. He kissed her 'Thanks, Teyla."<p>

Teyla grinned "Go and enjoy. I will return my ski equipment and will enjoy a hot chocolate by the fireplace while you are gone. Be careful!" She kissed him again, then Justin and John headed to the ski lift.

Justin sighed, "Rogue skiers keep the ski patrol on our toes. There's always a group of hot-shots who think its more exciting skiing off-trail. They dont think about the dangers. With the sun hitting the new snow comes the danger of avalanches. A group of four were seen heading off trail towards the west end of the summit. I'm meeting two of my guys to see if we can spot them and reign them in."

John knew exactly what they dealt with. "I work at a scientific expedition base. We deal with rogue scientists all the time. Smart asses that think they dont need to follow rules. Pains in the ass...until something happens."

Justin agreed. "Exactly!"

Their conversation was cut short by Justin's radio squawk. He answered the radio and frowned as he ended the call. "Looks like two of the rogue skiers took off down the mountain when they saw our guys. My guys are in pursuit, but there are still two more up there. Hopefully I can stop them from their own stupidity." John could tell Justin was anxious.

"Need some help reigning them in?" John offered, figuring Justin was in a tight spot here with his guys already busy.

Justin frowned, "I cant ask you to do that, John. Its not your problem." His radio squawked again. From the gist of the one-sided conversation, John surmised that one of the skiers had fallen and was hurt and he wasnt too far from their position.

Justin looked apologetic. "Guess I could use a hand. One skier fell trying to get away. Looks like a broken leg. Tom, one of my guys said the conditions off trail are sketchy, so we need to get this guy quick. I want my guys out of that area ASAP too." He looked over at John and squinted "You sure you want to help, it might be dangerous."

"Welcome to my world" John smirked. "Let's go!"

They found Tom and the downed skier in less than ten minutes. The two other rogue skiers had seen their friend fall and made their way over also. They were just loading the hurt man onto the sled.

Tom greeted Justin warily "I dont like the feel of this snow. We need to get out of here as soon as possible." Justin agreed and without any fanfare he ordered the two unhurt skiers to stay close. They headed out parallel to their position, back to the safer trail.

They were making slow progress due to the sled, when John felt a rumbling. His eyes flew wide, looking over at Justin, who yelled "Go!" John took a quick look back and saw that the area they had just vacated a few minutes ago had broken up and was sliding down the mountain. With any luck, they would be far enough away that they wouldnt be affected.

TBC Oh no!  
>Note: Thanks to firedew for the awesome idea! This story was in need of some spice!<p>


	43. Chapter 43

Sanctorium

chapter 43

John could only hope that they were free of the avalanche zone. Adrenaline coursed through his body as he pumped his legs to get the max amount of thrust out of his skis. John chanced a quick look behind and saw that two of their group were behind him. He watched as the snow beneath them fell away and they both tumbled. John's inane instinct called for him to turn around, but he knew that it would do no good.

It felt like the snow became a liquid waterfall as it disappeared from beneath him. His heart was in his throat as he felt himself begin to fall. He only hoped being on the edge of the avalanche might be a good thing and he would survive. He fought for control of his body as the force of the snow and gravity carried him downward. He could do nothing, he could see nothing. The muffled noise and blinding whiteness were overpowering and besides the feeling of falling, all other senses were non-existent.

John was still conscious when his momentum slowed to a halt. He was stunned, but aware enough to realized he was still alive. His lungs craved for air and he drew a deep breathe. The next breathe of air was a bit harder to pull, but he willed himself to stay calm. Unable to even twitch, John had no idea what injuries he might have, though his brain was just starting to register pain from various places. As the pain intensified, he lost his battle against the darkness.

Many outside the lodge didnt even hear the rumble, but those on the nearest trails felt it. Rumors of an avalanche were confirmed when the rescue teams started assembling and went into action. Teyla heard the commotion and asked someone what was going on. Her stomach did a flipflop when she heard what had happened. John was already much later than she had expected. She did not want to even think about something bad happening to John, but she was sick with worry anyway.  
>She stood vigil, praying and wishing to see John's familiar frame skiing back to her. As the time ticked on, she was beside herself with worry, needing and wanting to do something, but at a loss of what she could do. She heard her name being called out and closed her eyes in prayer that it was John. But it wasnt John, as she located the person calling her and he was unfamiliar. Noone knew her here except John and Justin, her hopes spiked. She approached the man and identified herself.<p>

"Teyla, my name is Mike. Justin radioed in that the group he was escorting down was too close to the avalanche. He lost contact with three members of his party. I'm sorry to say, your husband was one of them. Two he lost sight of, but he was able to keep his eye on one he was sure was your husband for as long as he could. He knows the general location and we've sent a team of rescuers to his position."

Teyla wanted to collapse, but she needed to be strong. She had to believe that John would be found quickly and he would be alive. Still, her body betrayed her strong will and she shook with worry.

Mike was worried for Teyla and he knew he needed to give her hope. "Teyla, listen to me...They were on the edge of the avalanche. Justin's one of our best and he knows appoximately where you husband should be. We'll find him. Come with me, you can wait in the office."

The rescue effort was well underway almost immediately once it was determined that it was safe. Time was of the essence when dealing with Avalanche victims. The first thirty minutes were critical. Justin had kept his eye on John for as long as he could as he plummeted down with the wall of snow. Seven more rescuers had joined him and they fanned out over the area. A yell to his left, less than five minutes later, had all the rescuers converging on that spot.

Within minutes, the team of rescuers had dug the downed skier free, careful of any injuries. Justin was relieved when he felt a pulse in John's neck. It was weak and thready, but at least it was there. Injuries were hard to assess through the bulk of his ski suit, but there was no mistaking the awkward position of John's right leg, the broken limb was only the most apparent injury. Every resuer was a trained EMT so John was in good hands.

John first became aware of voices talking above him. A spike of pain made him groan and one voice became more distinctive. "John? John, can you hear me? Come on, John...open your eyes. It's me Justin, remember? Come on, buddy...open your eyes.

Justin? Who was Justin? And why was he so damned cold? And why was he feeling like he had been hit by a ten ton truck? John groaned again and silently cursed the voice that was demanding him to open his eyes. The voice kept demanding and John sluggishly tried to obey. His eyes opened slightly and at first all was a blur. As his senses sharpened, so did the pain that seemed to envelope his body. Another involuntary groan escaped.

"Its going to be okay, John. We're just going to do a quick check and then load you on the sled."

John shivered as he felt cold air envelope his chest as someone unzipped his ski jacket. He felt hands examining his ribs and a jolt of pain made him gasp, which made him moan once again. He felt warm spots along his torso and frowned at the sensation. Justin noticed and explained that they were putting hot packs inside his jacket to warm him up. John smiled slightly as the warmth felt good. The good feeling didnt last as his neck was fitted into a neck brace. It hurt like hell...he mercifully passed out against the pain.

Down below, Mike's radio squawked and he smiled then became somber at the news. The woman's man, John- had been found but he was in a bad way, but he was alive and that would be what he would stress when he had time to tell the woman called Teyla. First though, he needed to help secure an area large enough for three LifeFlight helicopters to land. At least one would be carrying a survivor (hopefully) back to the skilled docs in the trauma unit of the nearest medical center.

The helicopters landed one right after the other and Mike informed the closest one to him that one survivor had been found and was in the process of being extricated, their ETA was approximately 15 minutes. The crew readied for their first patient.

Mike found Teyla in the office, being comforted by Allie, secretary to the director of operations. Luckily they were the only two inside. Mike nodded to Allie and she backed away. Mike sat down next to Teyla and looked into her hopeful eyes, rimming with tears. He smiled slightly as he reached for her hand.

"We've found him, Teyla and he's alive..."

He got no further as the news that John was alive made every part of her being release the tension that had coiled tightly inside her. She slumped against him and Allie was there with a glass of cold water. After a sip, Teyla gathered her composure and looked up at Mike, knowing there was more to tell.

"I'm sorry, Teyla. John is alive, but he is injured. I don't know his injuries, but they are extricating him now and should be down the mountain as quick as possible. There's a LifeFlight helicopter waiting to take him to the nearest trauma center. You can ride with him, okay?" He squeezed her hand gently.

All Teyla could register was that John was alive. He would need her to be strong and she would be there for him.

TBC Yea-they found John! Injured, but alive...next chapter posted along with this one! :) I didnt want to make you wait! Please remember I write for fun, so any mistakes are purely mine, technical or otherwise!


	44. Chapter 44

Sanctorium

Chapter 44

John hung mostly in the zone just beneath full consciousness. He could hear and feel everything-unfortunately- but he couldnt muster enough to break the surface for anyone to notice he was semi-awake. All he could manage were a few groans when he felt himself being lifted and strapped onto a board and then lowered onto the waiting sled.

"John? John, hey buddy...we're going to head on down the hill. You dont need to do a thing. We'll be alternating sledding and carrying the litter over the terrain to minimize any discomfort. Ready?"

John wasnt sure if the "Ready?" was meant for him, but he tried for a nod and found he was unable to move at all. Panic struck and he gasped.

Justin instinctively knew that John was panicking. "Hey, John...its okay. We have you strapped in there tight. I know you cant move right now, but that's what we want. Just try and relax and we'll have you down to your beautiful lady in no time."

Teyla! John's eyes shot open. "Tey...Tey!...

Justin knew he had to calm John before he hurt himself. "John, Teyla is fine. She's waiting for you. She's fine. Lie still, okay!

Five minutes into the trek down, even with the rescuers being as careful as they could, John passed out again. Justin halted the procession, not liking the pallor of his new friend's face. Checking his pulse, Justin relaxed and their descent continued.

Ten minutes later, the rescuers arrived at the bottom and the flight team took over. The exchange of vital information lasted only as long as it took to load John into the helicopter. Teyal was escorted in after the sled was secured to the gurney. She sat by his head while the flight crew, made up of one doctor and three nurses were positioned around his body. Even as the chopper headed out, an IV line was being inserted and vital fluids replaced. An oxygen mask was in place over John's face.

John's ski jacket was opened and his layers of clothing were cut through so the team could attach heart monitors to his chest. Noting the array of scars from past surgeries, the doctor questioned Teyla about his health history and she answered each of his question, though she avoided the questions of how he had come by so many scars.

Semi-conscious again, John heard the rhythmic thump of a familiar sound. Was he in a chopper? It was too cold to be Afghanistan! He opened his eyes slightly and he moaned at the pain resonating through his body. The heart monitor alerted the nurse that he was awake and she bent her head down to his ear to introduce herself and tell him what was going on. He really wasnt comprehending what she said and the monitors reflected his anxiety. She urged Teyla into his limited view, directly over his head and he visibly calmed at the sight of her. She smiled, though he was aware enough to know that the smile did not exactly reach her eyes. He guessed he was the reason for that. He would definitely need to make up for this, once he was able.

His venture into semi-awakeland was shortlived and he felt the welcomed relief from pain as someone mercifully injected some good drugs into his IV and he slipped into the darkness once again.

The next round of wakefulness flooded his body, just in time to be aware of being whisked into a trauma bay. Dazed as he was, he knew this wasnt the infirmary, Carson was nowhere to be seen, and this wasnt Atlantis. He did rememberTeyla being near, but didnt know where she was now. He flinched when someone flicked a penlight's bright beam into his eyes. His eyes immediately teared.

"John? John, my name is Dr Yeager. You are in the hospital. You've had a skiing accident and we need to stabilize you first, then we'll take care of your injuries."

There seemed to be a zillion people in the room and it felt like controlled chaos. He felt his clothes being cut away, monitors being attached to his naked flesh and he flinched when he felt a catheter being put into place. He was not in control here and he was in too much pain to care. He was given a cocktail of meds and fell asleep, unaware of any other ministrations to his broken body.

Tension quickly returned to Teyla's already strungout nerves. They had taken John in straight away and she had been escorted to a waiting area. She wanted to call John's family, but decided to wait until she knew the extent of his injuries. There was one call she needed to make before that though. John had made her memorize the SCG command post phone number in case of an emergency. She found a courtesy phone outside the waiting room and called the number. It took a few minutes before she was connected to Colonel Carter. Hearing Sam's voice brought Teyla to tears and it took a minute before she was able to talk.

Listening to a distraught Teyla, who was known for her calm demeanor, alerted Sam and she sprung into action. She knew the Deadalus was in orbit and if she contacted Atlantis, requesting Carson and John's team to gate into SCG, she could have them with Teyla within the hour. Of course, she would need General Hammond's approval, but she knew how he felt about the SGA signature team.

Fortyfive minutes later, Colonel Carter, Carson, Rodney and Ronon were beamed down to a discreet location outside the hospital. They quickly located the waiting room where Teyla was. Teyla was more than relieved to see the group she proudly called family. Sam wrapped her arms around her and whispered words of comfort, while Carson went to the desk, identified himself and was escorted deeper into the bowels of the trauma unit.

Dr Carson Beckett was allowed to scrub in, being John's personal surgeon, although he would not be able to assist due to hospital protocols. He was there as an observer, ready to answer any questions concerning John's previous health issues. Dr Yeager did not mind the unknown doctor's presence, but he fleetingly wondered how the doctor had gotten there so quickly.

John's injuries required surgery that took over seven hours. Once sure that his patient was resting comfortably in the ICU unit, Dr Yeager talked with Dr Beckett first and explained all that they had done. Both physicians headed for the waiting room. Dr Yeager greeted the group and sat to explain what John's injuries were and what they had done to repair said injuries.

"John suffered a compound fracture to his left femur, which is now screwed in place and in traction. The screws can be removed when his leg has healed. Infection is a concern and he is on a full spectrum antibiotic. He has a slight concussion and has suffered a neck sprain which will require him to wear a neck brace for a minimum of three weeks. We set a broken collar bone of the left side and re-oriented his dislocated shoulder, also on the left side. He has five broken ribs, one of which eviscerated his left kidney. We have repaired the kidney and it will be monitored closely. His left humerus was also fractured and has been reset and casted. Without a doubt, he must have taken the brunt of the falling to his left side. His body has recieved more than a fair bit of abuse and we are combatting the effects of shock. He is also receiving some blood due to loss by trauma and by the surgery."

He paused to let the information sink in for a minute. "He has a long road to recovery, but he will recover, though I cannot say at this time, if he will have any longterm effects or not. I understand from Dr Beckett that John is quite a fighter and he will need all of your support. I'll be his official attending physician as long as John is here, but I'll look into granting Dr Beckett temporary physician status, pending qualification verification, of course." He smiled "I'm Chief Surgeon and on the Board of Directors, so I see no problem."

Sam smiled "That would certainly be appreciated. I'm sure Dr Beckett has informed you that John is a Colonel in the Air Force on special assignment and a very valuable and respected officer. Any problems and I will be sure to get them ironed out, if need be."

Dr Yeager was duly impressed, wondering just how high on the scale she would go to insure what she felt was needed got done. As he left the group, he thought about his patient, who was severely injured, but lucky to be alive at all. Lucky the man was in great physical shape, a lesser toned person would not have survived. He frowned when he thought about all the surgical scars and past fractures John Sheppard sported and wondered what he did in his role as a Air Force Colonel that would exact such abuse.

TBC So, John is alive, if not hurt badly. I am not a nurse or doctor and all medical concerns may not be accurate, so bear with me there. I also dont know much about skiing, rescues and such, so I hope you grant me leeway there too! Also, I made a mistake and deleted all the current reviews that were graciously left for chapter 42. Please forgive me! I want to thank each of you that took the time to write a review, a very heartfelt thankyou! I try to answer each review personally and intend on doing so-always...but, this time I deleted instead of saving the reviews in my mailbox!

He heard things like compound fracture, possible neck injury, broken ribs and internal injuries and knew the voices were talking about him. 


	45. Chapter 45

Sanctorium

Chapter 45

There was a phone call Teyla needed to make to John's family, now that she had more information. She hoped the news that John was hurt so badly would not cause Patrick to suffer a set back. But she knew she needed to make the call as she took a deep breath, then she opened John's cell phone.

David answered the phone on the third ring. He was surprised to hear Teyla's voice on the other end and knew instantly that something was wrong. Her voice betrayed the calm she was trying to keep as she told him what had happened. Sadness and concern filled David for his brother. He assured Teyla that they would be there as soon as possible and sat down hard , trying to figure out just how he was going to tell his father that John was hurt bad, but he had survive an avalanche.

Patrick did not take the news well. His youngest son was just recuperated from an accident and now again, he was lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. This visit had shown him just how much he had missed his son and how much he loved him, too. He had vowed that nothing would come between them again and at least this time, he would be there for his son. How did trouble find John so quickly! Damn!

"Hello, John Sheppard."

A familiar voice beaconed to him and his instinct caused him to tense. Pacil! He furiously began to struggle against the forcefield that held him tight.

"It is time to continue your path to tranquility and peace so that you may ascend."

John's adrenaline increased as he felt the restraints holding him in the chair with the defective program that had caused him so much physical pain and mental anguish. No way would he submit to another encounter with it again. He struggled against the restraint of the forcefield even harder.

"Whoa, son! Wake up! Its just a dream." Carson tried to calm a struggling John. Teyla held his uninjured arm down and was amazed at the strength coming from his abused body. John wasnt showing signs of calming, so Carson ordered a sedative stat, worried that John's struggles would cause more damage to his healing body.

The sedative given through the IV worked quickly and John settled back into a peaceful sleep. Carson proceeded with a check to make sure nothing was amiss.

John next became aware, almost two days after surgery. Thankfully, pain meds were flowing through him via an IV line, suppressing the screaming pain his injuries would be exhibiting. Still, an complaining groan escaped as he woke.

The groan alerted Teyla as she sat holding his uninjured right hand. Absentmindly, she had been caressing circles onto his hand with her thumb. The comforting touch was the first thing John became aware of and he knew it was Teyla, as she had done this many times before when John was laid up in the infirmary. He opened his eyes slowly and tried to turn his head to see Teyla, but the brace on his neck prevented any movement. Instead Teyla moved so she was in his sight and he saw the wide grin on her face. The most beautiful sight he could imagine, but she looked exhausted.

"Hey, Teyla. Are you alright? He asked, concerned. His voice was just a tad louder than a whisper, testament to his weakened condition.

Not surprised, because John always asked how she was, even though he was almost always the one that was lying in the sick bed, Teyla smiled and assured him she was well.

Though he didnt know how long it had been, he knew she hadnt left his side at all. He knew she would want to be the first thing he saw when he woke. Selfishly, he was always happy when he woke and she was there smiling that smile that melted his heart.

"John, it is so good to see you awake. I have been so worried about you. How are you feeling?" Teyla asked concerned, ready to jump into action as she studied his eyes to see the truth of his well-being. She, like Carson, had learned not to trust what he said, instead both had learned to read his eyes for signs of discomfort.

"I'm good, whatever pain meds they have me on are working pretty good." She could tell that, for the moment this was true. Somewhat groggily, because his body was already demanding more sleep, he asked "So, what's the damage?"

John heard the privacy curtain open and was surprised and confused by the voice he heard.

"Ah, laddie-its good to see ya awake! Carson loomed over the bed, penlight already in position.

A confused John looked at Carson and then looked around with his eyes. The room or what he could see of it was definitely not the Atlantis infirmary. Before he could ask, Carson briefly explained how he came to be there, without going into any detail.

"Colonel Carter, Ronon and Rodney are here too, but first-if ya can stay awake long enough there are a couple of very concerned visitors waiting impatiently to see ya awake at last."

Carson patted his good shoulder, smiled and left the room. John was fading, but he was curious as to who else had come, so he willed himself to stay awake. A moment later he heard the curtain open again and he saw his father come into his line of vision.

His father's face was fraught with concern, and John felt immediate guilt for causing his father so much angst. Realization that his father was still recuperating from his stroke caused John to fear for his health.

"John, I'm so glad to see you awake. You scared alot of people who care about you deeply. Teyla called and Dave and I came up right away. Lindsay and the kids send their love. How are you feeling?" The concern was written all over his father's face.

Though he felt the niggling edges of pain located in various parts of his body, John didnt lie when he said "I'm good." He suspected the good drugs were masking his injuries, which from the look on Carson's face when he first woke, must be a long list. He sighed, knowing Carson would take good care of him.

Seeing John was tiring, Patrick went to give a pat of encouragement and hesitated when there wasnt a area close enough on his injured son to do so.

"John, I see you're getting tired and I know David wants to say hi, so I'll see you in a little while. I'm here for you, I just want you to know that. Love you son." In an awkward but obviously well meant gestured, Patrick bent to place a comforting kiss on his son's forehead.

Even in his diminishing consciousness, John was astonished by the act of affection from his father. Clearly neither man was used to such a display, but John wasnt about to spoil the moment. "Thanks, Dad."

A moment later, his father's concerned face was replaced by those of his older brother. John was struggling to stay awake, but he really wanted to see David.

"Hey, John...good to see you." David smiled "Trouble sure knows where to find you, doesnt it...man, its not fair...but we're here for you. Lindsay and the kids wanted to come up too, but they'll wait a bit, til your feeling a bit better. They send you their love." David hated seeing his brother looking so incapacitated. He looked vulnerable and helpless-and those were two words that just didnt describe a Sheppard...well, until now. He notice John's eyes losing their battle to stay open. "Rest John. We'll be here when you wake."

Outside the ICU unit, Carson was quietly arguing with a distraught Rodney.

"Well, that's just asinine! I dont care about 'hospital rules'! One of us always sits with him when he's hurt!

"Rodney, that is back on Atl..." Carson sighed That is back home, in my infirmary! We are not there and we need to follow the rules here. The hospital has very graciuosly allowed me physician priviledges, but I can na abuse the rules set in place."

Rodney wasnt done trying though. "Then lets get him transferred 'home'! You can take better care of him there anyway...and he knows everyone there! We're his family, for God's sake!"

"Rodney, for one thing...John is in no condition for such a move and ..." Carson noticed Patrick Sheppard standing near enough to hear. Carson gestured to Rodney discretely so he would see the older man, and whispered "John has family here too."

That shut Rodney up and both men turned to the older Sheppard. They both noticed the older man listing to one side and Rodney raced for a chair while Carson went to support him. Once seated, Patrick smiled slightly "Thankyou, I guess the shock of the last couple of days and then seeing John so beat up has taken its toll. I'll be alright. And 'Thankyou' for taking caring about my son." He could see that these people genuinely cared and loved his son. "All of you, I can see that you all are very close, a family. Its good to know John has a strong group of friends that care so deeply for him."

"Mr Sheppard, John has earned the respect and admiration of everyone on base. But, aye, between the Colonel's team and a few others..myself included...we have all formed a very close kinship. We watch over each other like family...no... we ARE family."

TBC So the two families of John share their common bond.


	46. Chapter 46

Sanctorium

chapter 46

Teyla had tried to hide her exhaustion from John, but he had seen the signs even though he had just woken from his drug-induced slumber. Carson had been concerned also, but had known no amount of prodding would make her leave John's side until he had woken. Now that she knew he was alright, her tiredness was seeking vengeance. A headache was making itself known and as Patrick joined her by John's bedside, he saw she was on the verge of collapse.

"Teyla, you must get some rest yourself. You look totally exhausted, my dear. John is a lucky man to have you by his side, but he's going to need you well. Please get some rest. Carson charmed the head nurse into letting you stay all this time, but she warned that if you collapsed on her floor-his head would roll. She agreed to let one of us sit with John in your stead. I'd really like to stay with John for awhile. There's a Comfort Inn next door to the hospital and David has arranged for rooms for everyone. The others look ready to drop too, so you all need to go get some rest. Carson refused to leave and is taking a nap in the on-call room down the hall and between David and myself, one of us will look after John." Patrick looked down upon his sleeping son with concern, grateful emotions played along with a bit of jealousy for the devoted friends John had surrounded himself with. A surrogate family who cared and loved the son he had banished.

Teyla's reluctance to leave was plain to see, though her stamina finally hit bottom and with it the tears she had held back threatened to fall. Patrick saw her fragile state and drew her into his comforting arms. She didnt hold back, the tears of relief fell unhindered.

Colonel Sam Carter had just stepped into pry Teyla away and hung back as she watched the emotional overload pour out of Teyla. She caught Patrick's eye and he nodded. Sam moved in to take his place and she gently urged Teyla out of the room. Patrick was sure that the Colonel would get Teyla to rest. After watching them go, he settled into the chair near John's bed. He studied John's face, marvelling at how Julia's lovely features were showcased there, in a masculine way, that made their youngest son a most handsome man.

Patrick was glad that he and John had talked, but it still didnt feel adequate enough. He felt so much was still unsaid, on his part at least, and he wasnt sure he would ever be able to truly express all the regrets he had. The seriousness of John's injuries had made him realize just how much he would miss his son when he recovered from these injuries and went back to his base-wherever that was. Patrick knew only that it was far away and dangerous. A panicky feeling hit him and if John were awake, he knew he wouldnt be able to stop himself from demanding John retire and take a job at the company-where he would be safe from harm. He sat looking over his son, his thoughts centered on how he could get John to stay without causing a war.

TBC short chapter, but more to come...thanks for sticking around!


	47. Chapter 47

Sanctorium

chapter 47

John was going stir-crazy, immobilized by the various medical devices that were helping him heal physically, but detrimental to his mental well-being. Depression was hovering in the corner of his mind, waiting for an opportunity to make itself known. The cast on his left arm and his leg in traction were bad enough, but it was the neck brace in particular that was making him crazy. Twice Carson had caught him trying to remove it and threatened to restrain his good arm if he tried a third time.

It had been eight days since the accident, four of those days John had been too out of it to care but now as Carson stood observing his friend/patient, just out of his range of vision, he could see the signs of frustration and depression already. He felt bad for John and knew that time must be moving slowly for the normally active man. He knew he needed to talk to John about alleviating the symptoms of depression before they took hold. He wished he could hurry the healing process for his friend, but there was no way around the fact that it would take time for him to heal. Carson was also concerned about John's healing time. Usually he was amazed at how quickly John seemed to heal from injuries, but though the injuries this time were healing nicely, they were not healing at the same quick rate Carson had expected. He wondered about that, not sure if it was significant or not, but he would keep an eye on that too.

Carson took a deep breath and stepped into the room. "Good morning, John!" He smiled cheerily. John was alone, a rare sight. "I thought Rodney would be here with you?" He knew everyone was catching up on some much needed sleep and were taking turns being with John.

"I'm not a child, Carson. I dont need a babysitter!" John growled. Carson knew John was being over-sensitive. His frustration at being completely and utterly immobile was making him short-tempered. From their first mission on, no matter who was injured and infirmed, the others would take turns sitting vigil. John always seemed to be the most frequently infirmed and had grown accustomed and appreciative of the constant company. The notion of 'babysitting' was never the issue, more it was about concern and support.

Carson 's smile fell and John knew he had snapped at the wrong guy. Carson decided to go the 'tough love' route, knowing John would hate the idea of taking an anti-depressive medication. "Aye, ya dont need someone sitting with ya and if ya keep this attitude up you wont have to worry about that!" Carson knew that wasnt true,he wasnt sure about John's father and brother but his friends would suffer the mood swing, but he wanted John to realise the foul mood he was making everyone endure.

John was taken aback by Carson's stern comment. "I'm sorry Carson. I dont know what's wrong with me. I'm just so frustrated with not being able to move. I guess I've been kind of a pain in the ass. Guess I owe some apologies all around." Carson smiled at his chastised look.

"John, you're a normally very active, physical man. Being laid up is tough enough, but being pretty much immobile is even tougher. Besides, it hasnt been long since your last infirmary stay, which compounds the effect. I want to talk to you about putting you on a mild anti-depressant." Carson held up his hands when he saw John instantly balk at the suggestion. "Laddie, your mental state is important also. If you continue down this path, you are going to end up in a very real depression. You're going to be laid up for a while and its not going to be easy. Medication will help you cope just a bit better."

John didnt need Carson to sell him about the idea too much. He usually was a pretty upbeat person, even when he was stuck in the infirmary or convalescing after a mishap. He felt different this time, antsy and edgy and unable to get himself out of a funk that wanted to drag him down. "Okay, Carson-but just until I get this damned brace off my neck."

Carson gave him a cautious look "Let's just get you well, Colonel."

Teyla was sitting with John and was thankful that his mood had improved. Noone besides her knew that Carson had put him on light medication and Carson had warned her it would take a little while for it to be effective, which meant that John was consciously trying hard to keep the blues away.

"Justin should be here shortly. He came by a few days after the accident but they had taken you down for an ultrasound and he missed you." Teyla smiled. Justin had become quite a good friend and had called everyday to see how John was doing. Teyla knew that John harbored guilt that he had survived while the other two skiers had died in the avalanche. His memory of events right before the avalanche was fuzzy and she hoped with Justin affirming that there was nothing he could do, John would be more at ease.

A knock on the door announced the visitor's arrival. "Hey, Teyla, John!" Justin approached as Teyla smiled, making room for Justin so John could see him. "Hey, buddy...how are you feeling?!"

"Hey, Justin. How are you doing?" John asked. He knew Justin would feel a rescuer's remorse for the loss of the two skiers.

"I'm good John, but I'm not the one stuck in the hospital. I feel really bad that I asked you help me get those skiers and then you get laid up like this" Justin's grim face was full of the guilt he felt.

"Its not your fault...I knew the danger when I agreed to help-I just wish we had rounded those guys up a little earlier so we could have saved them too."

"Yea, unfortunately there will always be someone who doesnt follow the rules, thinking it doesnt include them. Those guys were foolish to ski outside the safe zone and they paid the ultimate price-and almost took you out with them. I'm sorry John."

"Stop, Justin. It wasnt your fault and I'm alive and I'll heal, though this neck brace is making me crazy!" John grimaced, his impatience with the brace obvious.

"Man! I know what you're going through! I had a neck brace on for three weeks after a car accident about a year ago-just looking at you with it on makes me antsy! But its still better than having neck spasms-I tried to not wear it one day and I had excrutiating pain. I suggest you wear it for as long as they say-it does serve its purpose!" Justin could tell John was the kind who tried to cut corners when things seemed to take longer than he thought it should.

"Yea, I'm going to burn this sucker when it comes off!" John smiled as he played out that scene in his head-they had a flame thrower on Atlantis, he could torch the brace in a training exercise!

Justin stayed for over an hour and took his leave when he noticed John was having a hard time staying awake. His visit was good for John and Teyla both and he promised to visit again. Teyla walked him out, letting John fall asleep undisturbed.

Rodney and Sam were needed back on Atlantis and with them gone, Ronon was bored. He and David struck up a friendship. They found a pub nearby where they kicked back at when not visiting John. David told stories from his and John's childhood and Ronon told David more recent stories sans anything confidential. Both men learned alot about the man they both called 'brother'.

Patrick spent alot of time sitting with John alone and also with Teyla. He could see how much his son loved this beautiful woman and how much that love was returned. Their relationship was easy and even when John had been in a funky mood, Teyla knew when to be supportive and when to back off. She was an amazing woman and Patrick was happy that John had found such an extraordinary partner. He knew they had worked together for a few years and that they both had pretty much had feelings for one another right away. He was amazed they had held those feelings from one another for so long.

Teyla had just left to get some ice water and Patrick took the opportunity to ask John the question. "So, when are you finally going to ask that beautiful woman to marry you?"

John's eyes grew wide. "Dad, we've just started 'dating'..." He was flustered by his father's blunt question.

"John, you two belong together. You've known each other for a few years. You both are madly in love. Why wait?! You should ask her!"

"I'm not sure she'd say yes, at least not so soon..."

"Haaa! Teyla is as much in love with you, as you are with her! A word of advice, John... seize every moment you have together and make it count." Sadness crept over Patrick's face as he remembered his time with Julia and how it was cut short-way too soon.

John saw his father's face and knew exactly what he was thinking about. Losing his mother so early had taken its toll on his father. John could see that, even now. He placed his good hand over his father's arm. "Maybe you're right, Dad. Our lives are pretty hazardous back...at the base. I don't know what I'd do if I lost Teyla now. I do want every minute to count."

Patrick decided to push a little. "You know, you could lead a safer, less dangerous life if you retired and came to work at Sheppard Industries. We could really use you there son. I think its time you stop playing the danger game and settled down into a more comfortable lifestyle here in the States."

John's hackles immediately rose. He wondered when his father's demanding nature would rear its ugly head. The tension John felt was growing, making him physically uncomfortable. Keeping his cool was hard, but he had really enjoyed reuniting with his family, he didnt want to blow it. He knew his father was baiting him into an argument and he knew he needed to handle this subject with care.

"Dad, look at me. I'm lying in a hospital bed in traction, casts and braces after barely surviving an avalanche, for God's sake. And I'm in the good ole USA!" Frustrated and not really in the mood to broach this subject while literally unable to move, John sighed.

"Dad, I get that you just want me to be safe, but the truth is, no matter where any of us are, there is always the possibility that something catastrophic may happen. But we can't live in a bubble afraid to do anything or go anywhere-that's not living-that's just existing. I can't live like that and I won't." Patrick made to argue his point, but John cut him off.

"I thought you finally understood me, Dad...after our talk, I genuinely felt you were finally proud of who I was and had come to terms with what I do. Was I wrong, Dad?"

Patrick knew he had stepped over the line. John was his own man and if he was truly honest with himself, he admired John for his determination to live his life as he saw fit. He needed to assure John that he was proud of him, that in fact, he was extremely proud of him.

"John, please. I'm sorry. This accident, almost losing you...really shook me up. All I know of your work and the place you make your home, is that its an extremely dangerous environment with hostiles trying to kill you daily." Patrick looked his son straight in the eyes. "I just got you back, I don't want to lose you. I know there's no garantees in life, but staying here, living and working here would be a hell of a lot safer."

"And I do understand you much better now John. When you were younger, I thought I could control you...it never worked then and it certainly wouldn't happen now! And, you know what? I didn't lie to you when I said I was proud of you. I admire the man you have become. I haven't been much of a father when you were growing up-I don't want to make the same mistake-again. Please forgive your old man his selfish dream for wanting to keep you safe and have you nearby."

Patrick's sincerity quelled John's rising temper. He understood his father's concerns but like always, his father's demanding attitude put him on edge.

"You know, the base is protected by a contingent of the most highly trained combat and special ops soldiers from the different factions of our military. We have state of the art weaponry and each team that goes off-wor...off-base have to pass stringent criteria that I personally oversee." John smiled "My team, if I do say so myself...is the best team there is. I won't lie, there is danger, but there are a lot of good people we are trying to help too. I think we are doing that...I can't imagine being anywhere else. Its where I belong, it is home. I'm sorry, Dad, but I won't change that."

Patrick nodded. Somehow he would need to find peace with the fact that John would be out there, somewhere...doing what he loved, despite the dangers. "I do understand, John. Promise me you will stay as safe as possible, and keep Teyla safe too. And promise me you will come home for more frequent visits." He smiled down at injured son. "There's always a room for you and Teyla, you know that...right?"

John relaxed and it showed in his easy smile. "Yea, I know Dad. And I can only promise you that we take every precaution to keep the safety of everyone, including myself as the number one priority. And- I want to come back to visit, as often as I-as We can.

The tension was gone, leaving father and son at a truce and the conversation turned to more mundane topics. Carson joined them a short while later and John could tell something was bothering him. Apparently Carson had already told David about the afternoon tests that would keep John busy for an hour or two because his father was on his cell phone making arrangements to meet the others for lunch. John felt like he was being left behind and definitely felt sorry for himself and he cursed himself for feeling that way.

Once his father was gone, Carson sat next to him. "John, I need to talk to you about your progress." John knew something was wrong and looked up at Carson with concern. "Ock, lad-its nothing forboding. Its just that while you are healing well, you are healing more slowly-well, normal for everyone else-but more slowly than you usually do. Now, I have always been amazed at how quickly you heal, and I've always wondered about that. In fact I have a theory about that but no way to prove it." Carson shifted in the seat, uncomfortable with the theory he was contemplating. "John, I believe that somehow, back on Atlantis-and maybe its due to the ATA gene and your strong connection to the city-but somehow being there, aids your recovery time-significantly."

John looked up at Carson, perplexed by what Carson was saying. "Oookaaay-so I'm healing-but not as fast as I do in Atlantis. You think Atlantis has been helping me heal from injuries faster? How can that be?"

"I really don't know, John. But you always have had an oddly exhilarated healing time compared to anyone else I've ever treated-except for now-here back on earth. Now it seems your body is healing at a slower rate, more on a normal scale."

Carson looked seriously at John. "Its not just the quickened healing time-You also have survived some pretty devastating injuries, that I'm positive no one could have survived. Times I couldnt explain how you could have pulled through and was just so happy to have ya still with us, I didnt want to jinx whatever it was that kept you going." Carson shook his head. "Now, like I said-its just a theory, but now we have a way to test it. If ya stay here on Earth-you're looking at a minimum of nine months for recovery time to be fit for duty. I figure if ya go back to Atlantis and it is the city aiding ya...I figure your projected recovery time will be more like three to four months."

John was amazed. He had always just considered himself lucky and also knew that Carson was an excellent physician. If the city was responsible for helping him along, the ramifications would be astounding. But if it were true and the IOA found out-he'd become a freaking sideshow.

"Carson, I dont know how to feel about this. Of course I want to heal as quick as possible and I understand what you're saying and if its true, what would happen if the IOA got wind of it?"

Carson knew what John was afraid of and it was the very thing he wanted to avoid. He had never documented his suspicions and never would. As exciting as it may prove to be, he would never compromise John. The IOA were self-effacing bastards who wouldn't have second thoughts about experimenting on the close connection John had with the city.

"John, I have never discussed my thoughts with anyone. I don't think it would be wise to document this in any way. As far as I am concerned, no one else need know about this now-or later, whether it is confirmed or not."

"Well, for now-I don't mind Teyla, Ronon and Rodney knowing about this, and as much as I trust Sam, I think we can wait to tell her anything. We'll have to think of a cover story to tell my father and brother. I know they won't be happy about me returning to 'base' so soon."

John had an awesome thought "So! If your theory is correct, I should be out of this neck brace-inside of a week, right?!" John said brightly. He even chuckled at the admonishing look Carson threw his way. "Cheeky bugger!" was his only reply.

TBC Looks like our guy and his entourage will be packing up to head home. Hoping Carson's theory is right!


	48. Chapter 48

Sanctorium

chapter 48

"That's ridiculous, John! You can't be expected to return to your base when you're still laid up in the hospital! I know the military think they own your butt, but there are limits! Patrick was ranting, having just learned John was being recalled back to his base.

"It's okay, Dad. It seems there is an occupied city, and its designated leader and I have a...unique relationship. I'm the only one she'll talk to and its important for me to go back to smooth over some issues as soon as possible." John was trying hard to keep from lying to his father. Technically-everything he had just said was true! His father didnt need to know he was talking about the sentient city of Atlantis..."Carson's working out the details on how to get me back with the least amount of discomfort and he and Teyla will be with me the whole trip. I'm kind of looking forward to actually having something to do-even if its from the infirmary bed. The leader will be at our base waiting for me, so I won't need to go anywhere except from here to there."

"But no one should be expecting you to do anyone's bidding in your condition. I'm going to have some words with Dr Beckett! Surely he can't be sanctioning your recall. I know enough about the military to know that the Medical CO 's orders supercede any other orders-you're just not fit for duty, John! It's not right! Let someone else handle this leader! You need to stay right where you are, focusing on getting well." Patrick was adamant and John could see it was going to be a hard sell. David just looked on, not having the chance to chime in with any of his own objections-satisfied that Patrick was ranting enough for the both of them.

"I trust Carson, Dad-explicitly! We've talked and he thinks its doable. He'll make sure to get me back home safely. If it wasnt for the traction on my leg-I could sit in a wheelchair, but now he needs to make arrangements for a hospital bed with the traction set-up. I tried to talk him into putting my leg in a cast, but he said its not ready for that yet." John grimaced. He really was tired of lying down and couldnt wait til he was able to sit in a chair.

"Precisely what I've been saying! You arent ready for this! Besides-once you go back, what are the chances they will send you back here again so you can recover?!" John certainly wasnt agreeing that he was too infirmed and Patrick realised that John really wanted to go back. Though John had never said, he could tell that he was always thinking about what was happening on base in his absence. He guessed it was the burden of command. He knew John would want to go back there, if for no other reason than to make sure things had been running smoothly while he had been gone.

"Dad, dont worry...its not like I'll be doing anything different there-just more of the same, boring laying around waiting to recover. I promise-Teyla and I will come back as soon as we can and we'll keep in touch by emailing. Just keep in mind it will take longer to get through due to the distance. Transmission have to wait for security clearance and the open communication time." John changed the subject a bit. "I want to thank you guys for welcoming me back and for being so great with Teyla. I don't mind telling you I was really apprehensive about coming back, but its been great...truly...great. Dad, it means so much to me that we've been able to talk about things. We may not always agree, but at least we've both been able to work it out without World War III breaking out. And...oh-I'm going to take your advice Dad, I'm going to ask Teyla to marry me, once I'm more mobile." John smiled and his father grinned widely.

"That's great, John! I know she'll say yes! Patrick was happy that John was taking his advice.

David was happy for John too. He thought Teyla was beautiful, smart and eloquent and she had an inner strength and calmness that was magnetizing. He considered John a very lucky man. "Congratulations, John! I know you two will be great together! He held out his hand and they shook.

"Its not a done deal though." John wasnt really worried, he knew Teyla loved him as much as he loved her.

"Oh, I know she'll say yes! I know these things, John!" David clapped him on his good shoulder. John grinned his famous smirky grin. "Yea, its taken long enough to find someone who'll put up with me-especially when I'm grouchy from being sidelined."

"Yea, you were getting pretty impossible to be around." David added. "I'm pretty sure Teyla is planning on repaying you when you can finally spar again with those stick things!" He laughed, thinking about the various faces Teyla pulled when John was at his worst. He wasnt sure how she kept her cool at times, but that was the amazing thing about Teyla. She sure knew how to handle John, or at least she knew when to let him go and when to reign him in.

John grimaced. "Ouch! I sure was a pain...but I did apologize to everyone, especially Teyla! I guess I'll have to do some more smoothing over!"

Patrick and David laughed. "When do you think you'll be going? Lindsay and the kids will want to come see you before you go. They've only been able to come up once since you've been awake enough for visiting." David had been concerned because both Jacob and Kelsey had been so upset seeing John so visibly injured. He wanted them to see that their uncle was recovering before he left.

"Well, Carson is making the arrangements, so it depends on all that. But I'm thinking it probably will happen in the next day or two." John was actually excited about going back, though he would definitely miss his family. "I'd really love to see Lindsay and the kids too, before I go back. I'm going to try to get time off for Christmas. Maybe we can make plans to come back then? What do you think?"

"Anytime, John...anytime is good. You and Teyla have an open door. I hope you know that! But having you guys with us during the holidays would be awesome!" David hoped John would follow through-maybe he'd talk to Teyla. He knew she'd make sure it happened.

'I already told him that and that we hope we see them whenever they can make it back." Patrick informed his oldest son.

"He did... and we will...come back as soon as possible, most likely it wont be til Christmastime though. It would be great and I'm really looking forward to coming back, with no injuries! John smiled.

"Make it happen, John...we'll hold you to that."

Lindsay had brought the kids to see him and his family had left all together. John had to admit, he would miss his family, but he really was looking forward to going back to Atlantis to see all his friends there. He was also hoping Carson's theory was right and his connection to the city was more special than he had imagined.

He sighed, drained by the emotions of saying his goodbyes, he felt weary and he was fighting to keep his eyes open. Teyla noticed and urged him to take a nap. They would be leaving via ambulance back to the Cheyenne Mountain SGC post in an hour and then directly back to Atlantis via the stargate.

The ride back to Cheyenne was uncomfortable. Even with the good drugs, John felt every bump and every sway of the ambulance as it carried him back to Cheyenne. It was unfortunate that the Daedalus had just left for Atlantis a week before and wouldnt return to Earth for another five weeks. John didnt want to wait that long, so plan B-the ambulance route was instigated. Three hours in and John cursed his impatience.

John being John- hadnt let on how uncomfortable he was. Teyla noticed the telltale signs in his eyes and alerted Carson.

"Ock, John! I told ya to let me know if you were uncomfortable. I should have known you'd try to be your usual stoic self. I can give you some more pain meds, but it will probably knock you out-which just might be a good thing." Carson could now see the hint of pain in John's eyes.

"I think that might be a good thing too, Carson... I could really go for missing the rest of this trip. Now I wish we had waited for the Deadalus! Go ahead Carson, do your thing,"  
>His eyes tracked over to Teyla. "Sorry, sweetie. I wish I was better company. These past few weeks have been hell, huh?"<p>

Teyla smiled "Yes, it has been difficult...but, its not your fault John. I only wish I could do something to alleviate your pain and discomfort. Now, just try to relax so you can fall asleep and escape the discomfort for awhile. It will be a while longer before we are at the SGC." She began humming softly, close to his ear and he smiled. Her voice was like the voice of an angel and he relaxed to the sweet sound while the drugs took effect and dulled his senses into slumber.

John was still out when they arrived at the SGC. No one had the heart to wake him, so Sam quietly ordered the preparations for their return to Atlantis without his knowledge. Carson had to tell Sam and General O'Neill about his theory, in order to make their return happen so quickly. Both agreed that the IOA did not need to know and vowed to keep it quiet. Within fifteen minute of arriving, the gate activated to send them home.

John was oblivious in his drug induced slumber. Teyla and Carson, however did not miss the fanfare waiting for them as they arrived in Atlantis. The gateroom was filled to capacity as everyone wanted to welcome John and Teyla back after such a harrowing time. The military contingent saluted their returning commander as the hospital bed came through the gate. Unfazed that their show of respect was lost on the sleeping man, Carson was suddenly surrounded with concerned soldiers asking about the condition of their leader.

John woke an hour later, though he was clueless about the warm welcome his men and the friends had given them, Atlantis herself was humming loudly-only he alone was privvy to her warm, welcome home. He lay with his eyes still closed, and enjoyed the connection he had with the city. It still amazed him that he was the strongest carrier of the ATA gene that had been found so far. He thought about someone else replacing him with a stronger gene and it made his stomach sour. Atlantis was his and as selfish as he knew was being, he couldnt help the possessiveness he felt for her. It wasnt like he wanted her all to himself, but he had to admit he kind of enjoyed being a bit special.

Even Carson, who had a pretty strong gene, was unable to make the connection with the city. John was humbled, this was where he was meant to be and he felt extremely blessed. It blew his mind to think that Carson may be right that Atlantis was able to help heal him. If they could figure out how that was possible and they could use it to save more lives, it would be...

"John? John, wake up..." Teyla's soft lilting voice coaxed his eyes to open. He blinked to focus and smiled at the beautiful sight before him. "I could get use to this." John said. Teyla thought he was referring to waking in the infirmary and he saw her confusion. With his good hand, he reached out to hold hers. He chuckled. "I meant, waking up to see your beautiful face every morning." She smiled that smile again, the one that melted his heart. He wished he could wrap her in his arms and hold her. Instead, Teyla sat on the edge of the bed gently and leaned in over John so that she lay lightly across his chest, mindful of his cracked ribs still healing. His good arm automatically holding her as close as possible. John breathed in the scent that was Teyla and was content. He didnt know how he had managed to keep his feelings for her at bay, but now that they had 'confessed' their love, he couldnt get enough. Of course, the majority of that time, so far, he had been injured, unconscious, in pain, loopy due to Carson's good drugs or just plain feeling lousy. Teyla was sure getting a prize, huh?!

He searched her eyes and saw only love and concern there. "Teyla, thankyou for all you've done for me. You've been my rock. I dont know if I could deal with all this if you werent by my side. I know I havent been the best companion of late, but I promise-I will make it up to you. John smiled, wiggling his eyebrows. Teyla laughed. "I will hold you to that John." She gave him a seductive look back, so seductive that John's loins hitched. Yes-it had been a long time.

Over the next week, Carson did exhaustive studies concerning John's healing rate and John was starting to resent needle sticks and the Ancient scanner. One positive thing was now his leg was casted and he was able to tolerate sitting in the wheelchair for short periods of time before his ribcage protested. And-the damned neck brace was still driving him nuts!

He was sitting in the wheelchair with Teyla by his side, waiting for Carson to give them his findings. Carson announced himself before pulling the bed curtain aside and the beaming smile on his face gave him away. John had been ninety nine per cent sure what Carson would find. Without all the clinical data, he knew he was doing much better since coming back to Atlantis. His question was-how did Atlantis actually help him in the healing?

Carson went through all his test results, making it simple for John and Teyla to follow. Since returning, John's lab results and scans had improved at a faster rate than what his results had shown from Earth.

Carson pulled the reports from the Ancient scanner and laid them side by side.

"These results are from the initial scan we did when we first arrived back on Atlantis" Carson was pointing at the scans to the left. Pointing to the scans that lay in succession to the right, he compared them. "These are from 24 hours later and then 48 hours later. The improvement is subtle enough not to cause suspicions, but now that I know what to look for, the changes exceed the norm by at least a quarter. That means, John-that you are healing twenty five per cent faster than you were on Earth."

Teyla sat beaming at John "This is wonderful news, John!" John sat dumbfounded, all of a sudden, kind of creeped out that Atlantis-somehow-was manipulating his body to repair itself quicker. "How, Carson? How can the city do that?"

Carson had a theory about that too. Not many were privvy to the knowledge that John heard and felt the city humming to him, though as John's physician-John had confided that information to him-along with his team and Lorne.

"I believe somehow, the humming you hear and feel from Atlantis is at a frequency that connects with your ATA gene, which in turn increases the production of proteins, enzymes and amino acids needed when you are ill or injured. Its like, the city knows what level your body chemistries should be at and when those levels decrease, the humming or more specifically-the frequency, increases trying to bring your levels back to what it has determined is your norm. I also believe the Ancient scanner itself enhances the frequency and becomes much more than a scanner in your case. Your ATA gene absorbs the energy transmitted from the scanner to aid your body to produce those enzymes and components needed in the healing process. It really is amazing!"

Carson, I dont know what to say! I've always felt blessed-having discovered I have the gene and all, but this-this is extraordinary. Do you think that every ATA gene carrier benefits from this?" John was curious...

"I'll have to review the charts of those with the ATA gene who have been injured in the past to see if there is any chance that Atlantis has helped improve their healing too, but its unlikely anyone benefits from this anywhere near as much as you! I'll begin with the natural ATA gene carriers first." Carson had a faraway look that John had seen on many of the scientists as the pondered theories during their research. John smiled, Carson would be busy-maybe he could escape the confines of the infirmary soon!"

TBC Another bonus for having the ATA gene! Hope it sounded plausible?!


	49. Chapter 49

Sanctorium

chapter 49

Three days later, Carson announced that John's neck was healed enough to remove the brace, but Carson made him promise to do exercises, twice a day-everyday to strengthen the slightly atrophied neck muscles. John would promise anything to get out of the damned brace. Oh, he still had plans for the damned thing! John smiled at the thought. Teyla hugged him gently in joy as she knew John would be thrilled to be rid of the constricting, uncomfortable brace.

Five minutes later, Ronon walked in smiling. Rodney followed, holding a cake decorated as a neck brace with enough candles to cover the top. "Congratulations!" they chimed in unison. John had already told them his plans for the discarded neck brace once he was free from it. John laughed when he saw the cake and shook his head as he appreciated his friends' humor.

Another two days later, Carson announced his ribs well healed and his shoulder healed from the dislocation. The collar bone was ninety per cent healed, so John would still need to wear a sling. The bones being thicker and needing more time to heal, his arm and leg would remain casted. Carson projected possibly only another two or so weeks. John silently thanked Atlantis, knowing his recup time would be several weeks longer if he were still on Earth. His thoughts went back to his mother. She was the one who gave him the incredible gift of the ATA gene. He wondered, if she had been on Atlantis when she was diagnosed-would Atlantis have been able to cure her? He would never know, but he was pretty sure the answer was yes. Sadness filled his heart, he still missed her and always would.

ooOOooOOooOOoo

John was so bored. With his leg and arm still immobilized by the casts, there wasnt much he could do. He couldnt even wheel himself around in the wheelchair and he hated being so dependent on others. His days were filled with time with Teyla-which was terrific, but his libido was back and very needy. Teyla's meer presence, sent his hormones into overdrive-so much so, he felt like a horny teenager. Still stuck in the infirmary, privacy was just not possible and he was frustrated. It was torturous not being able to do anything without someone being too close by, almost to the point where he dreaded seeing her-which was just. not. right.

When Teyla was busy teaching a bantos class or off world on a trade mission, Rodney came by for a chess game or Ronon came to watch a movie. It was a good thing Carson had won that bet. John had predicted Rodney would drop food on his shirt three times, while Carson had predicted five. (Damned, he'd have to talk to Rodney about his over eager need to shovel food into his mouth.) Anyway, Carson won the bet and got his wish, that John would stay on the anti-depressive meds for the remainder of his recup time. He was glad he had lost the bet now, he was sure the meds were keeping him from going completely insane. He thought about if he were still on Earth recovering, with the extended recovery time-how would he have coped!

ooOOooOOooOOoo

After several escape attempts (that were successful-well-he had gotten all the way to the transporter, at least three of those times) and lots of whining, John won his freedom by default. John was making Carson's staff crazy, though they were all amused by the inventive ways he used to distract them long enough so he could escape. Of course each time he needed to recruit someone to help him carry out his plans. The last time it had been a newbie (and therefore clueless) marine private who had stopped by the infirmary for some Tylenol.

Everyone loved and respected John, but as a patient-he left alot to be desired. For their sanity and for the fact that Carson really had no reason to keep John in the infirmary anymore as all his labs were back to normal-he was discharged. He would still be restricted to a wheelchair, but he could sleep in his own room with daily infirmary visits to insure he was still healing well.

Teyla pushed John back to his room. It took twice as long to get there with all the stopping along the way as they were stopped by those passing by, wishing John well. John was humbled but exhausted by the time they made it to his room. After entering his room though, John had a plan. He locked the door with a thought and looked up at Teyla in a disarmingly seductive way and Teyla melted into his lap. An hour later, the satisfied lovers congratulated themselves silently for overcoming some pretty big obstacles and experimenting with positions that kept John comfortable-which meant that Teyla's flexibility and strength had been essential in their love-making.

John resisted the temptation to ask Teyla to marry him right then. He wanted to do so in a very romantic way-when he was able to walk and do it right. Soon, very soon!

ooOOooOOooOOoo

John had sent his brother an email and downplayed the extent of his healing, which felt weird-but Carson's estimate for John's recovery time on Earth were much longer than what he was experiencing back in Atlantis. He couldnt very well tell them all the progress he had made-not yet. The picture he included of him and Teyla, was from two weeks earlier when John was still confined to the infirmary bed for the majority of the day.

John saved the email his brother had sent him so that Teyla could see the picture of Jacob and Kelsey holding up the giant homemade Get Well cards they had each made for him. It really was great knowing he had family to go back to Earth for. David had said his father was back to work two days a week and attending important meetings now. He also hinted that their father was actually thinking it was a good time to step down and hand the reins over to David. John was surprised his father would ever retire, but then the stroke had preempted any false ideas Patrick Sheppard had that he was irreplaceable and invaluable to Sheppard Industries. David had stepped up and filled his father's shoes as acting CEO seamlessly and the company continued to thrive despite his father being sidelined.

ooOOooOOooOOoo

Luckily for all, Atlantis was enjoying a lull from any volatile action. The Wraith were still out there culling worlds in a haphazard pattern, but there was nothing Atlantis could do about that at the moment. Off world missions revolved around mostly mundane excursions to allied worlds for trading purposes. No one was looking for anything more than status quo right now, knowing that their military commander wasnt up to watching their backs yet. But they were all looking forward to his return to duty.

But no one was looking forward to it more than John himself. It had now been three and a half months since he got caught in the avalanche. Left with only a brace on his leg and intensive physical therapy, he was anxious to be back at work. Carson had allowed him to return to light duty, which consisted of catching up on much needed paperwork. But even that was better than nothing.

But today...today, only one thing was on his mind. And all the plans were in motion for the night op he had planned. Ronon had enlisted a few marines to set up a table out on the selected private balcony. John had talked to Anton the head chef, who happily offered to put together a special dinner for two. John had a bottle of Athosian Ruse wine chilling in his refrigerator and had already had his mother's ring cleaned. It was lying on a bed of rose petals in a decorative box made by Lanz, an Athosian crafter who also happened to be Teyla's cousin. Nightfall was at 1800 hours and he was picking Teyla up at her door for a romantic evening then. It was time for him to get ready and he headed off to his room for a shower and a shave.

When Teyla answered the door chime, she was taken aback by John's impeccable appearance. He was dressed in a suit and his unmanageable hair was somewhat more managed. Teyla smiled, knowing that he must have spent much time taming the spiky tufts of hair that he said had a mind of their own. He was easily the most handsome man she had ever seen.

Though always beautiful, John was stunned by the beauty radiating from the woman he planned to make his wife. Her Athosian gown rivaled any designer gown he had ever seen on Earth, in a beautiful shade of emerald green. She was stunning and she was all his. He had waited for this night all his life. He had almost given up finding that one special woman who fit him like a glove, settling on casual relationships along the way. He reflected on the first moment he had seen Teyla as he entered the Athosian tent that day. He had been attracted to her instantly, and his feeling had grown only stronger the more he had gotten to know her. Keeping those feeling hidden was very hard to do, but now he knew she was the one he had been waiting for. She might be from another world in another galaxy, John still reeled about that, but he felt like the luckiest man alive.

The balcony was beautifully lit with tiny white lights (from the Christmas tree decorations) a table was dressed in all white. Someone had placed a vase of white flowers similar to roses in the center. It was all beautiful and magical. The evening was balmy with a light ocean breeze, just perfect.

Everything was perfect and the couple enjoyed a leisurely spaced meal, served by one of the kitchen staff dressed as a top-end waiter. He was efficient and attentive without being intrusive, leaving them in their privacy after serving dessert, which was an excellent creme brulee.

John was suddenly very nervous. He was confidant in his feelings, but then he had that niggling doubt-maybe Teyla wasnt ready to make a commitment to him yet. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe he should wait...No! He wouldnt chicken out! Damn! He had faced down Wraith and the Genii-even Kolya, without this kind of self-doubt or fear. He could do this-he would do this. Now!

He rose from his seat and knelt next to Teyla. Looking at her with all the love he felt, he brought the box out for her to see. "Teyla, I spent way too long hiding my feelings for you. You are an amazing woman. When I placed that necklace around your neck that first day, I wondered what it would be like to place it there as a token of my love." He opened the box. " Teyla, I love you so much. Will you marry me?"

Teyla had dreamt of this day for so long, she smiled with joyous tears filling her eyes. "John, I love you and I must tell you, the first day of our meeting, I felt an immediate attraction to you. Circumstances have kept us apart, but now I can no longer hide my feelings for I have never felt so much love for anyone before. I most definitely would love to marry you and have you become my life partner!"

John slipped the ring onto Teyla's finger and they both rose to embrace each other. John kissed her tenderly and lovingly and it didnt take long for their passion to deepen. As it was, John had planned for everything and the apartment style rooms that belonged to this balcony would most likely serve as their living quarters, pending Teyla's approval. For now, at this moment, the bedroom inside had been outfitted with layers of Athosian furs that would be most comfortable for their needs tonight.

ooOOooOOooOOoo

John lay snuggled into the layers of fur, spent from a night of passion. Teyla lay with her head on his chest, sleeping soundly. He was awake early due to the achy pain in his leg. It was all good though, as he remembered why his leg was rebelling and he smiled at the memories of their lovemaking. His feelings of pure and utter love for his soon-to-be wife overshadowing any physical pain he was feeling.

John lay there, thinking back over the last six months or so. Much had happened. The program he knew as Pacil had been instrumental in making him reluctantly revisit and reexamine his life. It had made him understand his father enough to forgive him and seek a reunion with his estranged family. That reunion was instrumental in making him feel worthy-worthy to be part of his family and worthy to explore his feelings for Teyla and the possibility of a relationship. His infirment while healing gave him time to process the whole incident and things had worked out pretty well. He smiled...no, not just pretty well-but awesomely well. He held his fiancee' tightly to his chest. Hmmm...Teyla was now his fiancee'-he still couldnt believe it!

Maybe he had needed to go through all the rough times in his life, so that he could fully appreciate what he had now-Atlantis, his friends, his family-here and back on Earth. For the first time is his life, John felt content. Atlantis had been his destiny, he was sure of it...Teyla would complete his life, becoming a part of him and he would cherish her and nurture their love every single day for the rest of his life.

Sanctorium...that was the name the Ancients used for the room housing Pacil's program. But this room, now and forever would be the only Sanctorium he would ever really need. Here with Teyla, as his wife...this would be their sanctuary, their little piece of heaven. John shimmied deeper into the Athosian furs, Teyla snuggled closer. Sanctuary. Sanctorium-peace, love and happiness.

Fin!

sga SGA sga SGA sga SGA sga

I hope you enjoyed the story...I never intended it to be so long and it certainly strayed from my original intent! I really needed to find a point to end it though, so I decided to end it with the promise of marriage for John and Teyla and a happily ever after ending...

Thankyou, each and every one of you for reading and reviewing along the way. It really means so much to me and I feel like I have gained some new friends! Thanks for the encouraging words and ideas (you know who you are!) when I stumbled along the way... I love SGA fanfiction and I hope writers continue to write SGA stories...Its still my fave show and I believe I am on the fourth round of watching my DVD collection of all five seasons! Long live SGA! Peace, Love and Happiness to you all! Lin


End file.
